have you ever thought this would be your end?

[eashanm]

I've known since I turned 18 that I'll die a "willful death"

 

[iloverachel]

I never thought I'd live to reach 30 but here I am
I'm hoping to end my life soon

 

[bipbapbop]

When life was relatively good, I talked about the future (eg. owning a house, career path) but there was always that feeling in the back of my head that knew I wouldn't get old. Now that life is much more difficult, it's clear to me that this was always how it was supposed to end.

 

[mtoro998]

Nope my life seemed great up until a couple of months ago.

 

[unabletocope]

No but you know what - facing down how rubbish I really am is the right call and taking my life to address that is dealing with it, I feel liberated

 

[lnlybnny]

When I was a child I had dreams....being an astronaut and seeing the stars up close. Then things happened and every night I would go to bed wishing I didn't wake up in the morning. As I grew older hope came back until it was snatched away and that journey downhill hasn't stopped since, so, I've known for quite some time it would all end with CTB.

same, i used to be a child with vivid dreams, i thought i had potential to live a fantastic reality when i grew up, but that didn't last long due to abuse. it's cruel the way the world forces us out of our potentials and dreams

In my case wanting to die on my own terms is all that makes sense, under no circumstances would I ever wish to suffer in this meaningless and undesirable existence, I see no benefit in prolonging suffering just to risk ending up in a situation of way worse agony just to inevitably be tormented by old age. To me existence itself is evil, it's the true problem as it's the source of all suffering, to simply exist is something so harmful and burdensome. I don't understand what's supposedly so "good" about existing as existence truly is an abomination.

I'd always prefer the peace of non-existence to having the ability to suffer endlessly in this existence I never even wished for in the first place, it just sounds so ideal to simply not-exist where there is no suffering, no pain and torment, no need for anything, no problems, worries or concerns, for me a peaceful suicide would be a beautiful release from all suffering and harm.

would you mind to share your method? if you have one, or when do you plan to ctb

 

[BlendedHeart]

I've had ideation since I was 13yo. I never thought I was going to live beyond 30. Now I'm 36. Doing a lot of extra time inside this prison.

 

[EmptyHeaded]

I've known it'd end like this since I can remember. I always acted like I had dreams and goals, but never actually wanted to reach them.

 

[lnlybnny]

I've had ideation since I was 13yo. I never thought I was going to live beyond 30. Now I'm 36. Doing a lot of extra time inside this prison.

it's been years that i feel very suicidal, more than 10 years... but i don't want to prolong this anymore, if this has to be what i should do then so be it. i need to stop being a coward

I've known it'd end like this since I can remember. I always acted like I had dreams and goals, but never actually wanted to reach them.

living without having attainable dreams and goals is awful... you feel like a fish out of water all the time since everyone is moving on with their happy lives and you're just there... existing

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I never thought that I would live past 18 or become an adult. I think I was meant to die earlier and not even be alive right now

Same. With each major milestone I'm shocked I'm still here but increasingly since the autism diagnosis i realize it's a death sentence and need to think of escape

 

[jpfef]

when i was little i told my mom i wanted to die young so i could be a kid angel in heaven forever LOL. i've never been able to picture myself dying by CTB in the ""typical" way.... i've always had this intuition that i would die from overdose or murder before my mid 20s. i still believe this to be the case, honestly.

 

[trashprincess]

I've never been able to imagine a future.

Thought about suicide for at least half my life.

Eventually I realized my brain was trying to tell me something.

So I guess this is what I imagined for myself, I just kept hoping for something different...

 

[lifewasawillowtv]

Hmmm I feel like I always knew I would ctb though, one of the joys of being suicidal at a young age I guess. And before then I can't remember what I thought about death or my death specially so I guess in a weird way I've been sure I would ctb the way most are sure they'll die of old age. I'm not sure I've ever even imagined dying of old age now that I think about it.

 

[FuneralCry]

All the methods are either inaccessible or risky in my case, it's why I'm still trapped here, I really do despise this hellish anti-suicide society where there is the absence of peaceful and guaranteed ways to die for all. Not everyone is privledged enough to have access to reliable methods sadly, also what I'd fear is trying to die going wrong and leading to way worse suffering.

 

[Bannana]

I've known since I turned 18 that I'll die a "willful death"

I've wanted to die since before I even truly understood what life was really about, deep down I've always known this is how things would end

 

[theboy]

I knew from an early age that I would end up with CTB.

 

[bugs_for_brains]

I mean when I was super young I didn't think about death period. But once I hit age 11 and started thinking about life and death and stuff, I already knew I'd die by suicide or heart attack (family history). Didn't even think I'd get this far at one point tbh lol

 

[druggedonsurvival]

Sad to read that so many people become suicidal so young. Personally it wasn't until I was 15, which is still quite young, but I had hope for the future until then. I don't think I ever imagined until then that I'd die by ctb.

 

[Final_Choice]

Always saw it as an option and a possibility, but I figured that would change in the future, not like now which I'm certain about it.

 

[grahf]

I always dreamed that I wouldn't live past 30, but now that I'm 32 I always think I'll CTB before I'm 40 or 35, but here I'm thinking about ctb everyday because my depression, I can't see myself getting old in third world country because I'm not special because I'm nothing

 

[tronix]

I always considered CTB. Always. I never thought I will make it to my 30s. And I did, that's okay. Now I'm 35 and I know CTB is my fate. And it's my choice. I wanted to live on my terms and I want to die on my terms. Be in control of what happens and how. For years I've been lying to others that I don't have these thoughts. I feel awful about that but once you've felt like this, it never truly stops. It haunts you, gives you some kind of weird comfort, sometimes fears you... It's always with you.

 

[divinemistress36]

I've had ideation since I was 13yo. I never thought I was going to live beyond 30. Now I'm 36. Doing a lot of extra time inside this prison.

I thought I would have ended it by 30 and I'm 36 also

I always considered CTB. Always. I never thought I will make it to my 30s. And I did, that's okay. Now I'm 35 and I know CTB is my fate. And it's my choice. I wanted to live on my terms and I want to die on my terms. Be in control of what happens and how. For years I've been lying to others that I don't have these thoughts. I feel awful about that but once you've felt like this, it never truly stops. It haunts you, gives you some kind of weird comfort, sometimes fears you... It's always with you.

I feel like hitting my 30s really made me realize the pain isn't going to get better

 

[annxietty]

When I was a kid I thought that by age 20 I would have a perfect life lol most kids dont know the basics of life like how it works and how unfair it is... In my case I didnt think I would want to kill myself when I grew older, didnt know anything about suicide, it all began in my adolescence... I see my 7yo nephew and how happy he is, Im sad knowing he will face this world and suffer ngl...

 

[Pikmin]

I never thought I'd CTB, I had so many things I wanted to do and see, but something so horrible happened this year I just can't live a normal life after that. I don't want to die, I just can't be me any longer.

 

[brokeandbroken]

i mean, somewhere along the way we lost ourselves as i don't believe any of us always thought our end would be ctb. i think each of us back in the day used to think we were special and that life would be great for us and we would just die naturally... it feels weird to know that our end is probably going to be ctb, whilst other people will just live happy lives... why did it have to be like this and why aren't we special anymore, like the normies think they are? or maybe we never were and it was just an illusion

I never thought I was special. Far from it. I believed if I was a good person and worked hard success would find me. I haven't found that success and my ability to is now compromised. Success has eluded me. I must not be a good person.

 

[alrdyded]

I have had suicidal thoughts since around 8 so yes it's the only end that makes sense for me. I have already lived too long. I regret not doing it years ago

 

[Raindancer]

No, not al all. Early on I struggled with a lot of trauma and was just trying to survive. Then things took a huge change and I was living a wonderful life. Even when things started to get or go bad again, I had enough good that I never considered it. In all honesty I am still shocked to find myself here.

 

[sadman710]

I was never CTB oriented in my life. I always said that I could take anything, despite all the hell on earth I went through, until this earlier year, when I completely lost all hope. I tried to rationalize out of it, but whenever I got some peace in my mind, a new worse problem would come. Finally I said I just prefer to sleep, forever. I don't hate myself, I despise my reality and the world around me. I'm not a self-harming or chemically depressed person, which has made CTB difficult. Despite my agony, I am curious of the world and wish it would change and get better, but I realize we all pass at some point, naturally or unnaturally, and why not do it on my terms, or have someone else eliminate me (like a world war), and leave without anymore trauma or pain, and go away on a decent note.

 

[BringShameToFamily]

I always imagined myself committing suicide around the age of 40, but fate delivered me a district court warrant for CP. I thought It was deepfaked but it was not. Hurting real life children was never my intention. My parents have forgavin me, but I will never.

I have three choices:

	Effect on me	Effect on family	Effect on society
Fight the CP charges Get shanked to death in prison	-5	-5	+1
Die from an accident before they catch me.	-3	- 3	+2
Die for a good cause	-2	-2	+5