What were your worst symptoms? I honestly don't know if I can handle this shit anymore. Also, what medication helped? I can barely stand to be in my head right now. I'm literally pacing most of the day. So much fear, panic, anxiety and horrible violent and sexual intrusive thoughts
I had both the physical and mental symptoms, both severe, but the mental symptoms to me were really what made it truly unbearable. Even just physical symptoms is enough to drive someone to suicide. Physically, I had the extreme restlessness all over my body 24/7 and not just with the legs. I was pacing all day and couldn't sit still even though I was sooo exhausted and wanted nothing more than to just curl up in bed. Another big one was dysesthesia which was a constant horrible, icky burning/tingling sensation all over that I still haven't figured out how to accurately describe. It was just.. icky.. and incredibly uncomfortable and it's a symptom that is still lingering, although it's very mild now. I can barely feel it at this moment.
Mentally, jesus... Just absolute terror, extreme heartbreak, a very nostalgic dysphoria and panicky depression that was out of this world. It's so intense, it feels like you're having a permanent bad trip. I once read someone describe their mental symptoms as, "Imagine being buried alive and hearing the screams of your children being tortured and murdered" and I definitely experienced that as well. It's crazy. Like I mentioned in this thread, I also started having homicidal thoughts at one point. I was crazy agitated and just angry at the world during that time.
Anyway, I started taking kratom. It completely took away the physical symptoms, and helped take the edge off mentally even though I was still depressed. The thing is though, kratom is pretty much a mild opiate. I've dealt with opiate withdrawals years ago and that also caused akathisia for me, but only for a week or so. So I honestly thought I was just prolonging and delaying the inevitable, which is all I wanted because I was still planning on killing myself, I just wanted to wait until I could do it somewhere where my father wouldn't find my body. I quit after six months when it felt like I was getting better. I wasn't as depressed anymore and started getting motivation again. I did experience withdrawals, which did make the aka worse for a bit, but it was still fairly mild compared to serious opiates, and I had finally found marijuana, which reeeally helped. I'd probably still be tapering right now if I hadn't gotten some. The aka still lingered a little over a month after the wd phase, but the marijuana saved my life. Honestly, if I had access to marijuana in the beginning, I would have just skipped the kratom and stayed high the whole time, but I live where it's still illegal and I just moved here, so didn't have any connections anymore. I know some say it makes it worse for them though. Everyone is different.