Have you ever had serious homocidal thoughts..

[chrisbate7]

When I had severe akathisia, I became homicidal for a bit. It was the first time truly understanding how someone could do that. I never got to the point where I would have killed random people, but I got far too close to seriously considering buying a gun and shooting a couple of managers at a former job who obviously couldn't care less that they were making our jobs straight up hell. Then of course, I would have killed myself. I don't have homicidal thoughts anymore. I still get it though.

How long did your akathisia last? I feel like I've had it for 6 months. Off all drugs for that long too

 

[oneanonymous]

How long did your akathisia last? I feel like I've had it for 6 months. Off all drugs for that long too

I'm so sorry you're dealing with that now. It is HELL. Just pure torture, and anyone who has ever experienced it knows that's not an exaggeration. It really IS that bad. Mine lasted about a year. It was only around the 2-3 month mark that it was super severe, but several months after that was still bad enough that I still wanted to die. I also had tardive dyskinesia during the worst of it. I wasn't drug free the second half of that time either, but I still managed to keep healing anyway (not currently on anything). I know aka sufferers are mostly anti all drugs no matter what, but I'm grateful I was able to take the edge off all those months and not regret it later, even though I am afraid of taking most things now. I was still suicidal during that time too, it just wasn't as urgent anymore. I attempted four times in December when it peaked. It was just about two weeks ago that it finally got to the point that I physically felt normal most of the day. I still get tiny waves of shit. Sleeping still sucks. I don't know if I'll ever feel safe to say that i'm completely healed, as akathisia can come back. This could just be a window. People have been aka free for months and then it'll just come back for seemingly no reason or after having to take something as "harmless" as say, an antibiotic.

I really hope you start feeling better soon. I hate that you have this.

 

[Rue89]

I've had thoughts, but don't know if they were serious in any way. I do know that my anxiety would never allow me to actually do it. This was years ago, when I was in high school. And now I feel like a terrible person...

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

Yes but I would never.

 

[Kat!]

Definitely, but not anymore. I have serious OCD.

 

[Huntfish34]

Yes,. Not so long ago.... I grabbed my friends 9mm off her floorboard from her truck as I heard her ex /bf Beating the fuck out of her in their home . .. I came so close... But her precious son sleeping right behind me in his seat stopped me dead in my tracks.. Still Kinda wish I took him out but the Mere thought of the baby boy and Possibly prison;. Couldn't do it sadly ( thankfully perhaps).

 

[Jbell6066]

On my psych-eval's, no. In my head, yes, all the time. All the dumb shit I see at work, the dumb shit people do... makes me want to end them. Easily to do when you work around hazardous materials on a daily basis... just about everything could be accidental. Just a few forms to fill out and a few conference calls.

 

[massiveblackhole]

Absolutely. Like every time I read the news there is someone I want to kill. e.g. some fucker who stabbed an innocent horse over 40 times. It died. I would like to stab that fucker 40 time and see how he likes it. I wish i could enact vengeance on people like that like The Punisher.

I was watching Person of Interest. One girl had a fool proof plan to kill the rapist of her sister. The protagonist of the show stopped her saying she'll lose her innocence if she kills him and never be the same. I dont think i would have that problem. no remorse. no guilt. people like that deserve to die.

 

[StateOfMind]

I honestly didn't expect anyone to reply..
Yet here we are on page two lol
People are not as paranoid as they should be? lol

 

[chrisbate7]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with that now. It is HELL. Just pure torture, and anyone who has ever experienced it knows that's not an exaggeration. It really IS that bad. Mine lasted about a year. It was only around the 2-3 month mark that it was super severe, but several months after that was still bad enough that I still wanted to die. I also had tardive dyskinesia during the worst of it. I wasn't drug free the second half of that time either, but I still managed to keep healing anyway (not currently on anything). I know aka sufferers are mostly anti all drugs no matter what, but I'm grateful I was able to take the edge off all those months and not regret it later, even though I am afraid of taking most things now. I was still suicidal during that time too, it just wasn't as urgent anymore. I attempted four times in December when it peaked. It was just about two weeks ago that it finally got to the point that I physically felt normal most of the day. I still get tiny waves of shit. Sleeping still sucks. I don't know if I'll ever feel safe to say that i'm completely healed, as akathisia can come back. This could just be a window. People have been aka free for months and then it'll just come back for seemingly no reason or after having to take something as "harmless" as say, an antibiotic.

I really hope you start feeling better soon. I hate that you have this.

What were your worst symptoms? I honestly don't know if I can handle this shit anymore. Also, what medication helped? I can barely stand to be in my head right now. I'm literally pacing most of the day. So much fear, panic, anxiety and horrible violent and sexual intrusive thoughts

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Kinda, though I guess not really serious since they were never intentions. I used to have very violent thoughts about just about everyone around me. I hated everyone and blamed other people fully for me being sad and having a bad life. I wanted everyone to die because I was so angry at them for being remotely happy while I felt so bad.

 

[Moon Flower]

I've thought about it with my (almost?) mother in law, she abused my s/o as a kid and continues to sabotage his attempts to get ahead in life just because she's a horrible narcissist and wants him around until SHE no longer needs him and at that point she intends to put him on the streets, pandemic be damned.

 

[opiatedreamz]

i would think most people probably have. they just don't share it, because who wants to get labelled crazy for thoughtcrime? not many people understand a thought doesn't mean an intention. as someone with ocd, it's infuriating that people do not realize that.

 

[oneanonymous]

What were your worst symptoms? I honestly don't know if I can handle this shit anymore. Also, what medication helped? I can barely stand to be in my head right now. I'm literally pacing most of the day. So much fear, panic, anxiety and horrible violent and sexual intrusive thoughts

I had both the physical and mental symptoms, both severe, but the mental symptoms to me were really what made it truly unbearable. Even just physical symptoms is enough to drive someone to suicide. Physically, I had the extreme restlessness all over my body 24/7 and not just with the legs. I was pacing all day and couldn't sit still even though I was sooo exhausted and wanted nothing more than to just curl up in bed. Another big one was dysesthesia which was a constant horrible, icky burning/tingling sensation all over that I still haven't figured out how to accurately describe. It was just.. icky.. and incredibly uncomfortable and it's a symptom that is still lingering, although it's very mild now. I can barely feel it at this moment.

Mentally, jesus... Just absolute terror, extreme heartbreak, a very nostalgic dysphoria and panicky depression that was out of this world. It's so intense, it feels like you're having a permanent bad trip. I once read someone describe their mental symptoms as, "Imagine being buried alive and hearing the screams of your children being tortured and murdered" and I definitely experienced that as well. It's crazy. Like I mentioned in this thread, I also started having homicidal thoughts at one point. I was crazy agitated and just angry at the world during that time.

Anyway, I started taking kratom. It completely took away the physical symptoms, and helped take the edge off mentally even though I was still depressed. The thing is though, kratom is pretty much a mild opiate. I've dealt with opiate withdrawals years ago and that also caused akathisia for me, but only for a week or so. So I honestly thought I was just prolonging and delaying the inevitable, which is all I wanted because I was still planning on killing myself, I just wanted to wait until I could do it somewhere where my father wouldn't find my body. I quit after six months when it felt like I was getting better. I wasn't as depressed anymore and started getting motivation again. I did experience withdrawals, which did make the aka worse for a bit, but it was still fairly mild compared to serious opiates, and I had finally found marijuana, which reeeally helped. I'd probably still be tapering right now if I hadn't gotten some. The aka still lingered a little over a month after the wd phase, but the marijuana saved my life. Honestly, if I had access to marijuana in the beginning, I would have just skipped the kratom and stayed high the whole time, but I live where it's still illegal and I just moved here, so didn't have any connections anymore. I know some say it makes it worse for them though. Everyone is different.

 

[StuFin]

No I've never had any homo thoughts or plans at all, cidal or otherwise

 

[BridgeJumper]

Yes I did, a lot. Certain plans even. Maybe Im evil but the only thing that made me not act on them was the thought of prison, or even worse, a psychiatric correction facility.
At some point of being neglected and told to just get myself together but being forced to watch normies around me be happy and do normie shit something broke inside me and I starter feeling white hot rage for every one, strangers, shrinks, my family... I might come off as nice on here but I really can only bring myself to care when Im talking to other suicidal people. In real life Im so cold and shutdown, and only show affection to pets and my paintings. I hate how this basically destroyed what I was...

 

[SelfLiberation]

I thought about taking my abuser with me before I'd ctb, but not anymore. Not only I was worried about jail if my suicide was unsuccessful, but I realized it wouldn't change anything anyway, so I let it go.

 

[OminousVaL]

Yes

 

[Antigonish]

..or even plans?

I'm pretty sure everyone has, a famous therapist even stated so once. But if you're feeling homicidal, dont do it.

 

[Deleted member 14573]

No, but I did kill an entire family on The Sims 3.

 

[CalmStrikeofMercy]

Only when I am under a direct, overt threat. As an instinct. Wouldn't do it. Usually look for socially acceptable means and only speak out in extreme situations.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Only when I am under a direct, overt threat. As an instinct. When people misdirect, ill-advise, scheme, purposefully manipulate, put me in situations without giving me all the details and I end up in a conflict/war zone zone, kidnap me and torture me outside the law, take me to r

This. Their mindfuckery employed on me is the reason I think about killing people, not my own issues

 

[Deleted member 20852]

Yeah I've thought about it, not in a while since I left home a few years ago. I made rough plans but never any real intent.

 

[k75]

Just normal anger thoughts, definitely never actual plans or intentions. The only person I've ever truly wanted to hurt is myself.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

When I was still a teenager, I wanted to get revenge on my bullies.
I am having very strong homicidal thoughts towards my biological Dad.
He is a pedophile. His age of interest is around 10-13.
When I was little, he touched the girl next door. She was around 11.
He had to be evaluated by a doctor who said he should never be around children.
A couple weeks ago, he was caught by a vigilante group messaging young girls, around 11.
He admitted this on camera.
The Police aren't interested, he's got away with no punishment.
I feel like it is my job to take him out of this world so he can't hurt anyone else.
But there are factors stopping me.
I'm not sure how it will affect his wife, but for all I know she could be enabling him.
And the fact I think his side of the family has a rough idea of where my Mum and step-dad lives, so they could retaliate.
He is also in his early 60s and has already had 2 strokes and can't walk without a cane now, so I know he hasn't got long to live now luckily.
I have PTSD, so I know exactly what it feels like to deal with people like him.
He isn't the cause of my PTSD though.

 

[woxihuanni]

When I was still a teenager, I wanted to get revenge on my bullies.
I am having very strong homicidal thoughts towards my biological Dad.
He is a pedophile. His age of interest is around 10-13.
When I was little, he touched the girl next door. She was around 11.
He had to be evaluated by a doctor who said he should never be around children.
A couple weeks ago, he was caught by a vigilante group messaging young girls, around 11.
He admitted this on camera.
The Police aren't interested, he's got away with no punishment.
I feel like it is my job to take him out of this world so he can't hurt anyone else.
But there are factors stopping me.
I'm not sure how it will affect his wife, but for all I know she could be enabling him.
And the fact I think his side of the family has a rough idea of where my Mum and step-dad lives, so they could retaliate.
He is also in his early 60s and has already had 2 strokes and can't walk without a cane now, so I know he hasn't got long to live now luckily.
I have PTSD, so I know exactly what it feels like to deal with people like him.
He isn't the cause of my PTSD though.

He might hang himself. My husband's grandpa was a daughter-diddler and hanged himself. His daughter found his corpse, was very happy.

 

[Marauder]

Yes I wanted to kill a person who abused me during my childhood and caused me all the problems.
But I decided not to murder-suicide because I dont want to drag media attention because of my family.
So I will just ctb alone

 

[Thatdude]

I did, but it was when I was younger and towards people who kept messing with me. After a point I figured if society itself doesn't take care of the shitty person, and I'm the only one who has that much of a problem with them. Then wouldn't the best option is for me to take my own life since I hate it anyways.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

He might hang himself. My husband's grandpa was a daughter-diddler and hanged himself. His daughter found his corpse, was very happy.

I hope my bio Dad dies a very painful, slow and drawn out death.

 

[in hell out soon]

Kind of. It's stuff I know I'd never act on but I'll think or pretend at most and that's enough for me. I don't think I could ever actually do it and I don't intend on finding out.

Mine were more destructive and focused on arson but I've had dreams about murdering and torturing certain politicians or people who have tormented me in the past. It's all incredibly edgy. For example I wanted to break all the windows at my primary school and set it on fire.

I think these were more intrusive thoughts then anything I actually wanted to do, because I have no interest or desire to do these things for real. I have no plans to act on them, and like I said before - imagining it or pretending it happened in my brain is enough for me. Any "bloodlust" or desire to burn things just goes away after and I'm back to normal again.

I'm making it sound more dramatic than it really is, mind. It's more more key for the most part and I only think stuff like this on the rare occasion if I'm feeling really bad and I'm going through a lot of shit.

ultimately I just don't want to hurt people really? Self defense doesn't count ofc but it's not self defense if I'm going around murdering people or setting fire to places I haven't been in for a decade or so.