Huh. Where to begin. Let me first say I am so sorry you're experiencing this unbearable pain and now currently a heartbreak.
Years ago I felt unloved by society I still do because I'm not the prettiest, I have a bad skin condition those that have followed me here know I have bad acne like really bad and I was exploited and neglected by dermatologist and we didn't have the resources/internet in our household to research to solve the problem I was excluded from many in high school because of my skin I always felt so lonely and miserable. My parents I didn't feel they checked in with me and I felt unloved by them so I always wanted a romance but I was too ugly guys just didn't like me and approach me. So years later when my skin cleared a little more I was still a virgin and this guy introduced himself to me on a dating app (big mistake for someone as naive as me) but know one told me. Again we didn't have internet growing up, I was vulnerable and wanted to date. I was only 21, we dated casually for a year I look back and realize it wasn't love he was incredibly pushy for sexual actions I just thought that was what normal bfs and gfs did and then after a year I lost my virginity to him. He broke my heart so badly there must be a mental scar and deep wound there because every guy I interact with now hasn't quite cut it. He was my first I was in love or I thought I was. Recently I had a casual encounter that triggered abandonment trauma from this here I believe and when I found out he was seeing another woman it lost it and became crazy. I am in still in pain because it reminds me of this painful memory years ago. I want to die so badly every experience with men as have been awful for me. My intuition told me not to offer him anything physical but I was so lonely, depressed, drunk, socially rejected, hurt from a previous rejection by another guy from work. I just feel the universe hates me. If only I could go back in time and just tell him I wanted a connection but I'm recovering from a break up, I'm depressed, I'm an alcoholic so he could just leave me alone so I wouldn't be in this additional pain right now.
I never been in love ever. I have had feelings for guys but not in love I believe. I understand the aching pain in the chest. I want this guy too but I know I can never have him cause I messed it up should have just told him I wanted friendship.
The effect acne can have on a person is grossly underestimated :-( In the context of the thread...My first "real" girlfriend completely broke my heart then trampled it for good measure. Like you I had severe skin problems and it definitely damaged me psychologically. This compounded the problem as I also was routinely excluded by my peer group. Add to this the misery of my childhood/family life. I was like a lightening rod for all the negativity and stress mainly created by my mother.
I felt pretty damn alone and any attempt to feel close to my family was dismissed. So, I guess I dreamed of a wonderful life, with a wonderful girl, and we would have the domestic bliss that I never had growing up.
I always loved the line in a Jackson Browne song that went
"I'm gonna find myself a girl, who can show me what laughter means. And we'll fill in the missing colours, in eachother's paint by number dreams."
So that's what I wished for, more than anything else, the sentiment just resonated with me.
When I met someone who seemed to look beyond my skin problems it felt wonderful. So I was feeling accepted and valued. I know now, over two decades later that it was too much to expect for a young woman to compensate for all the damage that had been done to me so I can't blame her. But I guess she was the only thing that kept me afloat. So when she cheated on me and we broke up it was like a dagger through my heart.
I didn't realize it at the time but, my mental health was in a real bad way. I think it was around this time that my bipolar disorder really started to manifest. So with my brain misfiring I made it worse for myself. I don't think I truly got over her for maybe 4 years. Even though I was convinced I had moved on.
Well, I was on my own, only now I felt my one chance to meet someone who would look past my terrible skin had passed. I felt so distressed at the loss of our relationship and on top of that, every time I saw my reflection in any reflective surface, it was like I was being taunted. Then I was literally taunted by seeing her every day with her new boyfriend and the horrible comments they made about me and in particular my skin.
I remember going distressed to my GP practically in tears begging to be referred to a dermatologist and expressing how depressed I was about my (now ex) girlfriend and how damaged my skin was rapidly becoming. His response was "Well it's not like you are a girl! And no I'm not referring you to a dermatologist as I know exactly what he will say..." I was absolutely distressed and suicidal.
I strongly suspect if it weren't for that perfect storm of shit, lots of things would have been better. But my trajectory from that point was permanently altered. It all fucked me up pretty good on top off how fucked up I was already.
Besides the heartbreak, I really do think if I wasn't such a psychological mess due to the skin problems, I probably would have had more confidence that someone would love me again and it would have been a very different outcome in so many ways.
Sorry this is a very long reply. But I simply don't understand why people can't understand how damaging acne and other similar issues can be to your relationships. It's completely avoidable but somehow it's treated like it doesn't matter. Like it's some sort of "social Darwinism" in action. :-(
