have u ever thought that killing yourself would be a better ending than just dying normally

[3spiral]

as a kid I had a really strong fear of death. I didn't want to just stop existing. these thoughts would generate panic that would sometimes make me lose control of my body for a few moments (for example, running towards my parents and then stopping in front of them and not knowing what to do because I wasn't really thinking). this made me avoid these thoughts at all costs and I still do

for some reason at that time I thought that the death panic was so bad that it would be better to hate life so that I won't be bothered in case I lost it. this is weird to me because some people are really unbothered by the fact that they will die someday, and don't even think about it that often. does it not take just being alive to be afraid of death? I remember as a kid it felt as if I was gonna just get really old in a blink and die. maybe I was also afraid of the passage of time

I remember I also had a little habit of "confirming" the existance of time. when I knew something was about to happen I would usually think "when I'm there, I'm gonna remember this moment right now" so that I could sort of create a relationship between past and future/present. this is not related to the fear of death at all I just thought it was kinda cute looking back now and I wondered if someone else also did this lol

anyway, it's kind of weird that I'd want to deal with my fear of death with dying right?? does any of this actually make sense?

 

[voirpoet.]

i had an extreme fear of sudden death especially in my preteens and early teens. i'd much rather do it myself and know when im going to die rather than it just sneaking up on me

 

[froggirl9000]

Yes. I have constantly had the thought that I would like to see death coming so I could actively prepare myself for it rather than it just randomly hitting me.

 

[LeonSoHelpMe]

That's crazy I litteraly still do that thing where I'm in the moment and then telll myself I'll remember this when I'm there in the future

 

[Quietist]

It's such a catch-22 for me.

On the one hand, with suicide, especially if I were getting medically euthanized, I could have control over it, ensure that it's peaceful, but I feel like knowing in my heart that I'm about to die would add so much pressure and anxiety, wondering what's going to await me on the other side.