shesalreadygone
Per aspera...ad astra
- Mar 23, 2026
- 13
You have no idea how happy and alliviated I was when I finally got the benzos.
To add context, my previous posts were me talking about how it sucked going after it, how long have I spent trying to get it, and how devastated I was during these times. My previous failed attempts were in late february, and since then I've been trying my hardest into coming up with something that will work. The SN method that is. And these benzos have been hell to get, compared to the SN itself, which I've had for more than a month.
It's also ironic how my previous post was a deep philosophical conundrum about wether to ACTUALLY do it without benzos. I think I maybe would've been able to pull it off but... it would definetly be better to just have them. So I spent so long trying to accept that I wasn't gonna get it... all of that for me to just... end up obtaining them after all. So you can't imagine the happiness I felt when things finally starting working out in the end. Finally I didn't have worry anymore.
And now... it's all here. All pieces of the puzzle. After who knows how much long it took for me to get it. Feels... surreal. And alliviating, to say the least. I wonder how other people felt when they got here, after gathering it all up, and being able to leave this world the moment they wanted. Having been in this position before, back in february, I actually had some sort of "time limit". I was on a summer break (live on southern hemisphere), and wanted to do it before my college classes returned. I also did some plans with friends before doing it, so everything had a sense of closure that time... and I managed to pull it off. Everything went well... up until when I woke up from it.
But now... I just... have nothing to wait for. I can do it anytime I want. My only "time limit" is in july, when I'm supposed to return to my hometown for the winter break. Haven't been there since january... And I really don't want to go back. Not because I dislike the place... quite the opposite. My close friends and people that I love are all there... but seeing them after everything that has happened would... hurt me. No one knows that I've tried it, but, I don't think I'd be able to look in their eyes with all of this happening.
I still have a thing or two I want to settle before trying to ctb... so I'll probably end up doing it on...
Took a break to think and decided on thursday. The day after tomorrow, in the morning. I can settle the personal things today, then tomorrow I have my last day on earth, where I want to do nothing but psychologically relax. Then on thursday morning, I catch the bus.
So that's about it... don't have too much to say today except for the fact that I'm ready. So this vent won't be as long as the other ones...
There will be only two more posts from me on this website. One tomorrow night, where I say my goodbyes and thoughts on everything that has happened... one last vent. Then the last one will be a scheduled post to be released on friday, after I've done it, which confirms if I'm dead or not.
If it doesn't work again... if I wake up from it yet another time... I don't know what will happen then. But I will definetly be talking about my frustration in here.
I might change my mind but I'm mostly sure that's how it's gonna happen. I think I'll finally be getting my rest, after everything I've been put through in my life. I hope.
So... this was just a quick little update on my situation after the struggles... Thank you once again for reading through my vent, even if it was shorter this time. My last one will probably be tomorrow, so see you then!
My best wishes for everyone out there...
bubaii
To add context, my previous posts were me talking about how it sucked going after it, how long have I spent trying to get it, and how devastated I was during these times. My previous failed attempts were in late february, and since then I've been trying my hardest into coming up with something that will work. The SN method that is. And these benzos have been hell to get, compared to the SN itself, which I've had for more than a month.
It's also ironic how my previous post was a deep philosophical conundrum about wether to ACTUALLY do it without benzos. I think I maybe would've been able to pull it off but... it would definetly be better to just have them. So I spent so long trying to accept that I wasn't gonna get it... all of that for me to just... end up obtaining them after all. So you can't imagine the happiness I felt when things finally starting working out in the end. Finally I didn't have worry anymore.
And now... it's all here. All pieces of the puzzle. After who knows how much long it took for me to get it. Feels... surreal. And alliviating, to say the least. I wonder how other people felt when they got here, after gathering it all up, and being able to leave this world the moment they wanted. Having been in this position before, back in february, I actually had some sort of "time limit". I was on a summer break (live on southern hemisphere), and wanted to do it before my college classes returned. I also did some plans with friends before doing it, so everything had a sense of closure that time... and I managed to pull it off. Everything went well... up until when I woke up from it.
But now... I just... have nothing to wait for. I can do it anytime I want. My only "time limit" is in july, when I'm supposed to return to my hometown for the winter break. Haven't been there since january... And I really don't want to go back. Not because I dislike the place... quite the opposite. My close friends and people that I love are all there... but seeing them after everything that has happened would... hurt me. No one knows that I've tried it, but, I don't think I'd be able to look in their eyes with all of this happening.
I still have a thing or two I want to settle before trying to ctb... so I'll probably end up doing it on...
Took a break to think and decided on thursday. The day after tomorrow, in the morning. I can settle the personal things today, then tomorrow I have my last day on earth, where I want to do nothing but psychologically relax. Then on thursday morning, I catch the bus.
So that's about it... don't have too much to say today except for the fact that I'm ready. So this vent won't be as long as the other ones...
There will be only two more posts from me on this website. One tomorrow night, where I say my goodbyes and thoughts on everything that has happened... one last vent. Then the last one will be a scheduled post to be released on friday, after I've done it, which confirms if I'm dead or not.
If it doesn't work again... if I wake up from it yet another time... I don't know what will happen then. But I will definetly be talking about my frustration in here.
I might change my mind but I'm mostly sure that's how it's gonna happen. I think I'll finally be getting my rest, after everything I've been put through in my life. I hope.
So... this was just a quick little update on my situation after the struggles... Thank you once again for reading through my vent, even if it was shorter this time. My last one will probably be tomorrow, so see you then!
My best wishes for everyone out there...
bubaii
