hating my life....

[Sammie]

I'm just so tired....and had such a bad day. If circumstances were different and I could ctb right now, I already would have...I feel terrible even thinking this because I have people who rely on/need me and also too much I have to do before even considering it. It would be both selfish and irresponsible, it's just so difficult at times.
However, I often wonder in what ways may look "accidental" but also would be highly lethal....my mind goes straight to car accident, but then again being only a 1 person collision with something like a concrete bridge abutment may look highly questionable, especially for someone with a psychiatric history. On that note, I may fantasize but in reality cannot make this happen but I just want to reach out to others who may feel similar.

 

[Zegers]

I feel good thinking about ctb and I'll go when i have everything ready, i've had enough of this shit and if this is what's in the world for me, no thanks.

 

[Sammie]

I feel good thinking about ctb and I'll go when i have everything ready, i've had enough of this shit and if this is what's in the world for me, no thanks.

Sorry that life is shitty for you as well....

 

[lonelygirl111]

your a caring person to consider the feelings of those around you despite how much pain your in. i'm sorry you had a bad day and thinking about how you wish to ctb. i wish our decisions had no consequences or impact on others because i think a lot of us would already be in peace like we want to be. life can be so exhausting. i hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

 

[Sammie]

your a caring person to consider the feelings of those around you despite how much pain your in. i'm sorry you had a bad day and thinking about how you wish to ctb. i wish our decisions had no consequences or impact on others because i think a lot of us would already be in peace like we want to be. life can be so exhausting. i hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Thank you so much, yes life is exhausting. I wish it was all because of one bad day, would be easier remedy....no it's every day and my life has just really spiraled down in the past few years especially. The people around me, though, mean the world to me and so I would never act on it [at least not at this time]. Today was especially difficult, but yes maybe tomorrow will be better. I appreciate your kind words.
Do you ever think about having a tragic accident? I feel like a terrible person thinking it. But even more terrible is the potential of surviving it and having more even issues, plus totaling the one vehicle that I have with only liability insurance because it's an old car with high mileage. This would be more devastating, therefore it would have to be completely 100% fatal.

 

[BGooG]

I can relate to the feelings you've expressed. I don't think I can really take my own life. It would hurt my daughter too much. But I fantasize constantly about some kind of accident. I stopped wearing a seat belt years ago, just to increase the odds that I'd be killed in a car accident. I'm reasonably healthy, but should go to the doctor regularly (I'm 60 after all), but haven't gone in years. I run 6K multiple days a week, and wish for a heart attack while running. I'm still here. Eventually, cancer will get me. There are already signs of a prostate issue, but I'm ignoring that.

Sorry, too much about me. I wish you the best. Waiting passively to die is soul destroying. Along with your misery you feel guilt at wasting your opportunities. At least I do. My hear goes out to you.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound so horrible surviving an accident and ending up with damage. That is what scares me about ctb as well, the chance that the attempt could fail. I know that it's so dreadful being trapped in a life that you hate and I understand feeling tired of everything. Permanent dreamless sleep really does sound ideal, and the longer that I continue to exist the thought of non existence becomes more and more appealing.

 

[Sammie]

I can relate to the feelings you've expressed. I don't think I can really take my own life. It would hurt my daughter too much. But I fantasize constantly about some kind of accident. I stopped wearing a seat belt years ago, just to increase the odds that I'd be killed in a car accident. I'm reasonably healthy, but should go to the doctor regularly (I'm 60 after all), but haven't gone in years. I run 6K multiple days a week, and wish for a heart attack while running. I'm still here. Eventually, cancer will get me. There are already signs of a prostate issue, but I'm ignoring that.

Sorry, too much about me. I wish you the best. Waiting passively to die is soul destroying. Along with your misery you feel guilt at wasting your opportunities. At least I do. My hear goes out to you.

BGooG, your reply means so much to me. Thank you so much as it is nice to meet others in the same boat here. I am middle aged and have a young adult child. I could not hurt him in any way, plus I have a grown niece with children who need me as well. So I come from the same turmoil of not wanting to devastate others.....although maybe mine may understand because I have a disability in which they say they would "rather die than to live with"....initially made me sad but now at least I know they may "get it". As a fellow runner, I get you! But, you know, we have strong hearts because of it and probably the MI will not take us out because of that. On that note, it's never too much about you! I enjoy hearing others' stories and despise speaking of myself. I'm sorry you are a fellow sufferer. Also, my parents are a lot older than you, but their deaths would certainly be devastating....although I'm trying to prepare myself due to the obvious fact they will not be around forever, coupled with ill health. I wish you the very best, maybe you should see a dr at least so you know. If you are waiting out the inevidable, at least knowing if there is an issue you could tell your daughter so that she can prepare. Nobody lives forever. Feel free to DM me if you ever want someone to talk to. I fear there are many young people here also, and though I'm not "old" I also am not young and my body is a lot older than my age which is what lead to my disability. I feel, with medical and technological advancements, that you also are not "old" as people are live well beyond 80s and 90s these days. Though this also makes me sad because it's such as long wait for death to ensue if I were to just passively wait it out...although my disability does shorten lifespan a bit.
What missed opportunities do you speak of? In the sense of "ctb" or life in general?

 

[Sammie]

It does sound so horrible surviving an accident and ending up with damage. That is what scares me about ctb as well, the chance that the attempt could fail. I know that it's so dreadful being trapped in a life that you hate and I understand feeling tired of everything. Permanent dreamless sleep really does sound ideal, and the longer that I continue to exist the thought of non existence becomes more and more appealing.

FuneralCry, thank you so much for you reply as hearing from others going through this means a lot to me. It is a difficult place to be, for sure. I'm sorry you are in pain as well. Fellow sufferer, I wish we would both eventually find peace. Yes, eternal sleep is my dream. I wish it were easy. I'm tired of suffering, but also tired of trying. I'm just tired and wish to not wake up for another day. I'm sorry. If you ever want to talk, my ears are open. I am here, don't hesitate to DM.