hate life, scared of dying

[bojackgoes]

SN arrived a few days ago and I'm scared to take it.
I keep seeing images in my head of my family crying when they find out, images of my dead corpse, I'm scared of a painful death or something going wrong, or regretting it at the last minute.

At the same time, I don't enjoy anything. I haven't felt happiness in 5 months, I can't motivate myself to do anything, I'm completely inept. It gets worse every day.

Part of me wants to be sectioned so I don't have to make the decision yet, and so that I can be fed proper meals, because I just can't take care of myself at all. But it isn't really an option in the UK.

I just feel stuck. I want to be dead, but I don't want to go through the process of dying.

Also, the reason I want to CTB is stupid. It's because a therapist left me. I only knew her for 2 months, but I became obsessed with her. It's a longer story than that, but it's left me suicidal for the past 5 months with no signs of improvement. I'm wondering if I haven't given it enough time to get better, but I'm not getting better, every day is unbearable.

 

[theboy]

is the SI

 

[AllMyDreams]

Hmm. It's true that some fear of dying is normal survival instinct. But if you are not 100% sure I wouldn't do it. You can always die later when you are 100% sure.

If you really liked one therapist, it might take some work, but surely you can find another that helps you?

 

[bojackgoes]

If you really liked one therapist, it might take some work, but surely you can find another that helps you?

Throughout my sessions with her I was slipping into psychosis whilst working on trauma. I felt like I was in a drug trip with massive emotional swings and it ended in me becoming convinced of all sorts of things about her, like that she was God. I became obsessed with her to the point that I no longer care about anything in my life if I can't talk to her about it.

I've never met a therapist before who impacted me like that, and I'm not sure it was a good thing since it made me go crazy. I just know that I bonded with her and it fucked me up that she left me. I don't think I can go through the whole process again with someone else.

 

[AllMyDreams]

Throughout my sessions with her I was slipping into psychosis whilst working on trauma. I felt like I was in a drug trip with massive emotional swings and it ended in me becoming convinced of all sorts of things about her, like that she was God. I became obsessed with her to the point that I no longer care about anything in my life if I can't talk to her about it.

I've never met a therapist before who impacted me like that, and I'm not sure it was a good thing since it made me go crazy. I just know that I bonded with her and it fucked me up that she left me. I don't think I can go through the whole process again with someone else.

Oh... gotcha. I'm sorry you went through that, I can't really relate to where you're coming from but trauma like that isn't usually a quick fix.

Maybe simply having SN in your possession could make you feel better. Some people in Belgium who received approval for euthanasia said that life became more bearable for them because they knew they now had an 'emergency brake'. So try seeing if having SN makes life more bearable for you.

It's honestly exciting in a way, because you are in a position where you have more control in this respect than 99% of the population. I will repeat what I said only use the SN if you are 100% sure.