Has your life always been shit?

[loopylou]

My mother was an alcoholic when I was born so yes. It was always destined to be shit

 

[Jbones]

No. It started off really well. Began going badly as the effects of some unfortunate genes kicked in and my brain developed poorly (executive function weakness, slow processing speed, social communication problems). Have left me hopeless and helpless. I hate what how I am is doing to those I love.

 

[Fish Face]

Yes. It started shitty, with a traumatic birth via emergency cesarean resulting in a permanent disability and near death. My mother had tried to abort me prior to this.

It continued to be shit, because I was resented for existing. I was told by my father that my mother neglected me as a baby, slapped me and raked her nails along my skin.

This only escalated and by age 3 I was enduring sexual abuse, severe neglect, witnessing the torture and death of pets, being forced to simulate sex with a dog, being forced to consume vomit and faeces, being chased with knives, attempted suffocation...I could go on. The physical, sexual and psychological abuse was extensive. I also witnessed stabbings, substance misuse and police raiding the house on a regular basis. I underwent invasive medical assessments which cemented a fear of doctors, particularly older male doctors. I broke my arm, and there were fucking bones literally sticking out. I was ignored for ages, despite crying and pleading for help. This is all before the age of 5. I have been suicidal since I was 4.

After social services finally got involved, I was placed in the care of another abuser, so it just never stopped. I was strangled, hit, isolated and frequently told I was useless, a "retard", that no-one wanted me, I should never have been born etc. This person was unpredictable. Moments of kindness could quickly switch to violent fits of rage. There was no safety and no escape, although I had tried. I was bullied at school too due to my disability and developmental/social delays, so I was abused at school and then abused at home. There was no relief. I was introduced to alcohol and drugs by my own father at the age of 12.

Adulthood traumas only added more layers, thanks to a string of rapes, being groomed into a BDSM group by a "Dom" (i.e. a predator hiding behind the "kink" label) so that I could be tortured as a "sub." I was so used to pain by then that my tolerance was high, I almost tricked myself into thinking I wanted this, I deserved it. I lived in a crack den with my alcoholic father for a while, we moved out and I hoped things would change, but he got me into tonnes of debt. I struggled with my own alcoholism and drug use at this point. I eventually became homeless and lived in the YMCA for a while.

These traumas were further compounded by failures by "supported" housing and failures from doctors. I have known of my Complex PTSD for some time. I tried so hard to acquire a diagnosis and some help. I was heavily gaslit and invalidated, told I was just a bit anxious or depressed, and put on one antidepressant after another, several of which actually just caused further damage. Therapy was inaccessible until recent years, and even the therapy provided has never been trauma informed or anywhere near adequate enough to address my traumas and associated issues.

My father died eventually a couple of years ago. He bled to death and I had to drag him onto the floor and perform one handed chest compressions coated in his blood. This triggered more memories of incidents in my life involving blood and death.

This is a mere summary. It would take a long time to document every trauma I remember. It's just been one thing after another and another since day one.

I now live with constant flashbacks and nightmares, severe dissociation, physical deterioration and chronic pain and fatigue, and an uphill battle for any support at all. I am broken, exhausted and often wish my mother had just aborted me or killed me as a baby. That would have been more merciful than this dumpster fire of an existence.

There have been good times in between, mostly involving my partner, but sadly the constant barrages of abuse and trauma have far outweighed this. I would have loved to have experienced a period of consistent happiness, to know how it feels to have a loving childhood and promising life (although I recognise that having this and losing it comes with its own unique, devastating pain), but my life has never been particularly promising.

I have been speaking with a counsellor recently who says that life is shit, that it is suffering, but that we can learn to change our attitudes to this and to cope. But I don't want my existence to consist of a myriad of coping mechanisms. I want the suffering to stop, not be micromanaged and carried around like a constant, crushing weight for the rest of my life.

I am just so sorry and I know that whatever I say cannot help. I just wish you find peace.

 

[Jumping_realms]

For the past 25 year, yes.

I don't remember a lot of my childhood.

 

[Mr2005]

My childhood was great. It just went to shit as an adult

 

[Cherry Crumpet]

I had almost too perfect childhood. So stable, loving family. I was so happy. Happy even when I was 16 at times. I think shit really fell apart when my nice Uncle died and my family broke apart, and then 10 yrs after that, my grandfather sexually assaulting my mother and no one beliving her. Someone i grew up with and considered my father. I know he wasn't in his right mind but what my aunt/other uncle did.. how they treated us. Now being trapped living in a 1 br apt.

So yeah - was okay up till like 18-20, then it took a nosedive.

 

[Luchs]

Or was it good and at some point you received a blow fate that changed everything?
For me everything went to shit in 2016, since then my life has been a living nightmare.

My life was great, something broke inside of me for no apparent reason and everything turned to shit. Not suddenly, but over time, since I couldn't enjoy anything anymore. The only thing that keeps me going is remembering the better times and trying to recapture them.

 

[one.way.out]

No, I was happy when I was a child. I was happy. I still actually had issues back then, I just wasn't aware enough to be in pain about them. I definitely had anxiety issues, held onto the past too much, had some problems with OCD as well, trouble making friends, but I wasn't sad. Things started to get bad later in my teen years.

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

I guess my childhood was okay, despite some issues I think I was happy overall. Certainly reading some of the life stories here puts things into perspective and shows me that I had it easy compared to many of you.

I guess things started going downhill during my teens. I started to feel this sadness and anxiety a lot of the time. However, it wasn't that bad then and I could forget about it from time to time. Sometimes I think back to my time in high school and it seems amazing, but I think I'm just letting nostalgia color my view of it. It wasn't that amazing in the end, it's just that it seems great compared to my current situation.

 

[again_noidea]

Childhood was weird and at times depressing and sometimes brutal. Youth was okay but probably a waste due to childhood. Then i fucked up my knee and since then i can't run or walk for a longer time or do any sports. Lots of operations. There were some really beautiful moments, but i was mostly unable to really enjoy them. It was always a struggle and now i'm just exhausted, tiered and hopeless. I'm used up, there is no energy anymore.

 

[mossyfox]

I felt like shit since about 10 yrs old. I already was vulnerable mentally and emotionally due to genetics and was having negative thoughts about myself since 4 yrs old. When I was 9, my parents divorced and my dad remarried immediately. At my dad's house my stepmom, stepbrother and stepsister bullied me constantly and my dad, brother and sister didn't defend me from it. At my mom's house my sister took her rage out on me and abused me there and my mom blamed me for it. After being attacked by my sister, I listened to my mom comfort her about how shit I was while I was left to clean up my injuries.

Instead of seeing a child struggling with issues at home due to parents divorcing and having a new stepfamily, my school decided I was just a kid from a 'broken home' and it led to bullying at school. So I couldn't escape home by going to school and couldn't get relief from school by going home. I would wander around by myself outside a lot, especially at night. I kept wishing I would just fucking die already and thinking that people who want to die probably live longer just to suffer more in this fucked up world.

I think being told you're worthless and you do everything wrong, you only cause problems, no one wants you around, everyone would be happier if you weren't around....from 10 years old until 21 years old (when I left home) might become permanently burned into your head as a fact. Especially if you already kind of were thinking negatively about yourself. I don't think any therapy or meds can make me believe none of that is true. And then because I believe it too it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy now.

Even if I'm not actually a piece of shit and a burden, I believe it, so all my relationships and jobs blow up. One day it will come to a head and be enough.

So my life has felt like shit to me except from 5 to 8, I don't really remember this time period of my life and I assume it's because it wasn't eventful and I was generally happy.

 

[m9q2As2$IG]

Pretty much, I've been screaming I want to die since I was probably around 3 or 4. My problems have only developed and worsened since. Have only been more let down, disappointed and abandoned. The people I trusted so dearly and loved, were just manipulating me. My mom having told me several hundred times that if she knew "how hard I would be to deal with" she would "never have even wanted me", but she "still loves me". To top it all of she says "If I knew my life was going to be like this, I would have killed myself a long time ago". How an inspiration you have become, mom.

 

[auror.]

In short, yes.

My motto as a kid was 'Life is suffering'. And I still hold onto it because it rings true.

 

[doesntevenmatter]

Other than a few brief happy times in my life, yes I feel like my life has always been shit. I know there are people who have it worse, but that's not really the point is it?

 

[seeking2learn]

Downhill after age 15. Sexual abuse is the opener for alcohol abuse. Alcohol abuse alters sane thinking patterns and destroys any chance at normal relationships. Personality and self worth altered for life. 40 years of struggle.

 

[RedPanda]

Nope, just got worse as I approached my 30's.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

My childhood wasn't perfect but it was the only time that I was absolutely happy. Never experienced true happiness as an adult.

 

[Thisgirlwantstosleep]

Yes it's always been bad as unbelieving as that seems

 

[Bone]

My life was mostly alright until I developed bipolar disorder in my early 30s. After that, existence has meant pain.

I've had a very similar situation. Late 20s for me. Psychosis has ruined everything.

 

[IWantToSleep]

It really bacame horrible in my teenage years.

 

[imamess]

can't remember otherwise then it was shit

 

[settheory]

Yes. But it was slowly improving up to a certain point, i even gained false hope about my future for a brief moment, that i will become independent from my parents in terms of money (job) or even housing. But even that hope had been lost.
But even at the peak my life it was shit. Can't exactly locate the "peak" thought, i can only tell that my teenage years were better than my pre-teen years, and late teens were better than early teens, generally.

 

[PinkSakura]

Yes

 

[meetapple]

Yes I knew I was different from a young age. I could never accept myself. Social situations were and still are difficult.

 

[Mercury_Raven]

Or was it good and at some point you received a blow fate that changed everything?
For me everything went to shit in 2016, since then my life has been a living nightmare.

Don't think so... We normally forget the times when we were happy, and we normally overrestimates the times when we were on shit.
It gets better sometimes for most of the people. It is rough, but the way i cope with life is having my principles and numbing myself with work... is some type of sacrifice i presume, but other thing i do to make things better is chasing by passions.

We have passions, great and minor one's. Sometimes it changes, sometimes it stays. My passion in chess, complexity, learning, meeting new people keep me going. My principles that i created suspend me like pilars.
Is not easy most of the time, but it can be done. Every day is a fight and the thrill of the combat makes me want to fight. You might be on shit, you might have something you can do to change it, you might not have anything to do to change it either, but the thrill of combat keeps me. The fear, the anger, the feeling, makes me continue.

You can be consumed by the shit or endure it. And i find myself in a situation that i want to endure it... Seek help, seek passion, seek fighting, seek fear of living, seek strenght in weakness, but most importantly seek something. Keep going, keep fighting, just keep. I wish you find your truth.

 

[Lxions]

i was a pretty happy kid until i started becoming self aware around the 2nd grade