Discussion Has therapy helped you get completely out of it ?

[leyl]

I think i've been passively suicidal all of my life. In the sense that, i never thought i'd live a long life. In my eyes, it basically ended at 15. And having trauma has just made it more intense. My first attempt was at 13, then 14, 15, 17, and i'm now 18 1/2. Which feels wild for me. I'm in complete dissonance as in my head, i'm dead. I don't think i can genuinely live past 20/25, death is so logical. Why live more than that? I don't feel like i need to personally. Every time i feel down, i remember i can always die and it comfort me. I do not have to live forever, i can just cease to exist. No thoughts, no pain, no nothing at all.
However, I do not want to die a complete failure. I want to finish the few art projects i have going on and have good grades. But both things aren't doing great.
So, i'm finally booking a therapy appointment.

My mom had already suggested it when i was 11 (she found my diary). But then she never mentioned it again and never made any appointment. And i too eventually forgot about it. I started looking back at it at 16 but felt too embarrassed to ask my parents. And finally, my dad suggested it again after my ED was brought to light. I said i was looking into it but that it was expensive and i wouldn't have the money. Mom reassured me that they would support me and that it was covered my insurance. I was hesitant to ask them because:
1. Mom never followed with getting me a therapist when i was 11, never discussed it ever so it seemed she didn't care.
2. I had a cavity turn really bad in 2022 which she paid for. It was expensive and she said i would have to pay any other dental treatement myself (we're not poor, she's a doctor. She just thinks it's my fault for having a cavity they knew about but ignored for 7 years get bad). So in my head, medical stuff is now on me.
3. I stopped searching cus i had definite plans to end it (which failed) and thought it would be a waste of money to get a therapist now.

I am still alive, and school is very important to me. I have what i suspect is OCD, ADHD and CPTSD and my school life is really bad because of it.
I know that i will kms sometime soon (between a few months to 5 years from now) but man i really want to finish school.

So i'm wondering if there are people who also view death in positive way but go to therapy and sort of "recover" in a way. Does it affect your want to kys ? To what extend? or does it just helps deal with the other stuff y'all have going on?

 

[MoMiiShii]

For me, no, but I have a severe case of an eating disorder which as per my therapist is too much for her to handle, so I'll be going to an Ed/addiction institute tomorrow to get evaluated.

But, therapy for many can be useful. Therapists are there to be talked to about your struggles and can offer solid advice for healthy coping mechanisms. There are probably therapists specialized in OCD, CPTSD, and maybe ADHD but I can't be for certain since I really only seen therapists for major depression disorder and bulimia.

But, you may need to shop for therapists for a bit. Different therapists approach things differently and it could take a while for you to find the right one. Also, I believe if you're too explicit about ctb they could send you to a psych ward, but I can't say for certain. Atm my suicidal thoughts are mainly passive. I've heard good stories about people going in wards and being able to recover so don't make that fact scare you.

I wish the best for you, OP.

 

[atdusk]

Definitely go for therapy. And if the first counselor you find doesn't work, go for another and then if it fails for another.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 10 or 12 and now I am 46. The way I saw things then changed over time, I became stronger, taller... A different person. I had lots of conflicts with my parents then and now I am worried about their health and all I want is them to be fine.

My point being you are not a grown-up yet. You are still bound to many things, but some day many of those things won't be there or won't have the same effect on you.

It's like the movie The Matrix. At some point the bullets don't hurt you anymore. You are in control of your life. But that won't happen if you don't allow it to happen.

You have also something important. You care about your art projects. Many people don't have that. You can stick to them when things get difficult.