Discussion Has the pandemic/lockdown made you MORE or LESS suicidal?

[mediocreshining]

First months were a blessing for me! I loved staying in my apartment and not going out at all.
Then, life became kinda monotonous and I think it made me more suicidal (I want to ctb for many reasons, but things got worse I guess)


What about you? Has this pandemic made you more or less suicidal?

More.
However, a lot happened during the pandemic.
Before, I was only suicidal because I was transgender, and I was still a minor at that time so my parents were considering sending me to conversion therapy. While that quieted down once I turned 18, I discovered I'm a pedophile, and a shitstorm ensued.

 

[bloomingdark]

It made it worst, i went to the hospital several times because I thought I was having heart attacks, they ended up shooting me up with some tranquilizer that made me aluccinate, my anxiety got worse, and my boyfriend was alone in a farm, basically having a maniac episode and wanting to kill himself constantly.

It was hell

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Maybe less or did nothing.
I'm happy without people, well ofc I have my family with me, but I don't need other people so pandemic is helping me live like I want.

 

[WornOutLife]

Initially less, when I thought of it as a break and a reset on life that I could come out of stronger. Then it became more clear that it isn't gonna end anytime soon, so all the shattered hopes of coming back out into the world brought me right back to square one.

Yeah, I'm so scared of this not finishing for A LONG TIME...
I think the world won't be the same from now on and that sucks.
Anyway, fortunately, I can work from home. I hate leaving my apartment but damn, this pandemic and lockdown are too much.
It's autumn in Argentina, you can't imagine what a chaos things are turning into.

 

[finalexit]

I've felt more suicidal than ever during this time but due to other reasons. I think the pandemic has made me less suicidal than I would be at this point otherwise. It saved me from my work anxiety hell, has given me more time to process things and work on creative projects (when I'm not paralyzed by mental illness). Some extra pressures have taken a pause, time feels slower/different, wearing a mask feels good on the social anxiety, etc. But I still really want to die.

 

[Isisnefert]

¡Me relaciono con tu experiencia! Durante el primer encierro el año pasado, mi salud mental ya era bastante mala y me sentí muy aliviado de no tener que volver a trabajar. Estaba a punto de dejar todo, así que tener la oportunidad de un descanso se sintió como si hubiera llegado en el momento perfecto, casi me sentí agradecido, de alguna manera. Pero recientemente, las restricciones han hecho las cosas mucho más difíciles, hay muchas cosas que quiero hacer, pero no puedo, ¡y realmente apesta! Las restricciones me están volviendo loco y siento que hay una larga lista de cosas que Covid ha arruinado en mi vida personal.

Así que supongo que al principio ayudó a las cosas, ¡pero a medida que pasaba el tiempo las cosas empeoraron mucho por eso!

I can relate

 

[smithy]

It hasn't made me more or less. it has made it clear that I have been "right" all along.

 

[koweday]

I have been in a very dark place for months now. Pre-pandemic I had actually been in the best place of my entire life. I actually felt like I wanted to live, I started planning for the future (retirement, etc) for the first time ever. I feel so hopeless now. I've tried to plan things that made me feel alive. I booked multiple trips, and all were canceled due to COVID. I don't have a support group and it's been literal months since I've had any physical human contact; the number of hugs I've received in the last couple years is incredibly low. I am starved for everything and I fear where this may lead. Coming back to these feelings after finally having excitement for life feels even darker than before.

 

[FuneralCry]

The lockdown did not really change my life at all, before it I isolated myself from everything. My life is very pointless and empty. I do not live, I just exist.

 

[xrosex]

The pandemic has not affected me like most others. All it's done is made me realise even more that I've never had anyone who truely cares about me, seeing online about people getting depressed and stuff cos they were unable to see their family and friends like normal just hit me in the face so to speak. Nothing changed for me but my feelings of loneliness increased and I accept it now. In my 30's now and even my mum has not wished me happy new year, not even to my kids her grandkids. I know people have worse lives than myself ( like in North Korea for example) so it makes me see how weak I am to be so bothered by this loneliness and I honestly hate myself.
Sometimes I think it's better to not exist, some say people can change and love is the answer, that loving yourself can heal but it's so damn hard. I don't know if I know what love is really, maybe it's just a word humans constructed.

 

[Siegfrida]

More suicidal because now I see even less hope for humankind than before. It seems like we just never learn and we are back on track to some form of totalitarian system. This time under the guise of protecting our health :P. And it seems like a majority of people support it and want it. But it's really not the kind of world that I want to live in.

 

[absoluteanimal1]

It definitely made me more suicidal. I think it was the loneliness that got to me.

 

[Teardrop2021]

The pandemic brought me to this site. Before the pandemic CTB was far off and I only planned to execute it to avoid advanced aging or prolonged terminal illness that would needlessly deplete my assets which could find better use elsewhere

I had to check whether I wrote this and forgot about it! This is literally my situation. I thought I might have to in the far future but it wasn't on my radar as anything near term. I basically had a nervous breakdown as a result of the pandemic and after many medications, treatments and hospitalization I am still not better. I hope to not have to CTB but I don't know how much I can endure.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

More suicidal because now I see even less hope for humankind than before. It seems like we just never learn and we are back on track to some form of totalitarian system. This time under the guise of protecting our health :P. And it seems like a majority of people support it and want it. But it's really not the kind of world that I want to live in.

I guess protecting others and yourself with proven methods is totalitarian

At least it is maybe only to dumb Americans

 

[FogFilledLife]

It hasn't increased or decreased my suicidal intent. I've already gone numb to it.

 

[NormaJeane]

First months were a blessing for me! I loved staying in my apartment and not going out at all.
Then, life became kinda monotonous and I think it made me more suicidal (I want to ctb for many reasons, but things got worse I guess)


What about you? Has this pandemic made you more or less suicidal?

The only way covid-19 has affected me is that I have become more isolated. People try to force us to be vaccinated when overpopulation is the problem.

 

[waitingforrest]

It really didn't change anything for me, was depressed before and after. I have the sudden urge to inhale Legos everytime my therapist says that the pandemic is hard for everyone.

They all chalk it up that the pandemic made everything worse because of isolation. But I was already alone in the first place. I'm honestly just bitter. Bitter because I have heard it too many times. It makes me mad because these therapists just slap on the depressed because of covid label on literally any sign of sadness without getting to know the underlying causes. Because the pandemic is seen as temporary, by proxy the pain will go away once the pandemic ends. If only it was the case.

 

[Siegfrida]

I guess protecting others and yourself with proven methods is totalitarian

At least it is maybe only to dumb Americans

Well, I believe that you and people like you mean well when you talk about protection, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. When I wrote what I wrote, I expressed my sadness because I see a danger which is bigger than the virus itself. There is probably no point in trying to explain why I have this view. The problem is very complex and would require a very nuanced discussion, which is very difficult in an online discussion. Maybe just do me a favour and next time that you talk about this with someone in person, listen to them and don't jump so fast to conclusions about their dumbness. I think that the IQ distribution is pretty much the same on both sides of this barricade.
And sorry to disappoint, but I am not American :P.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I was suicidal before the pandemic. I had just gotten out of hospital and the various levels of 'treatment', was starting to try to get my shit together when the lockdowns began. Had to quit horse riding and ice skating after exactly 1 visit to the farm and 4 lessons at the skating rink respectively. Guitar lessons also stopped after a few months because online was not as good. I practised less and less and felt guilty for wasting money and the teacher's time.

Online therapy and online college is a fucking joke and not a funny one. Seeing people's faces, walking across campus, smelling and experiencing the atmosphere of a different area aside from those in your living space, having a conversation without technological difficulty every other minute, being unable to participate in banter or understand others because of their mask (and I am not deaf - it is likely even worse for those who are) - the little things that shred my soul a little more each day that passes without them.

I am an introvert, but spending all day in my head, with my few activities all being online - terrible for my back, eyes, and chronic headaches, to name a few - was horrible. I thought I was lonely before, but it always gets worse. Listen to the optimists - it can, and it will, ALWAYS get worse. I hooked up with a lot of people and dabbled in sex work partly because of the lack of human contact. And I was living with my nonabusive family for the duration of the pandemic. I do not want to imagine the experience of those who do not have that luxury.

I took it as a sign from the universe - I am not meant for this life. Every time I try to improve, something gets in the way - my own asinine thoughts / actions or an external situation.

And exactly as Siegfrida and xaea13 said. They are dragging this out to manufacture a new normal. Society will never return to how it was before. Not that I liked how it was then. But what it is turning into is even worse. Thus, the government's response to the pandemic (ie lockdowns) tremendously worsened my mental health.

More suicidal because now I see even less hope for humankind than before. It seems like we just never learn and we are back on track to some form of totalitarian system. This time under the guise of protecting our health :P. And it seems like a majority of people support it and want it. But it's really not the kind of world that I want to live in.

 

[SovietSuicide]

Being able to work from home has extended my lifespan cause I didn't have the energy to walk to my wage cage everyday & I would've run out of money by now but it's also reinforced my pessimistic view on the world and how fucked it is.