Discussion Has the pandemic/lockdown made you MORE or LESS suicidal?

[loopylou]

Kind of unaffected. I have socially distanced myself for years prior to covid. Used to being alone

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

The pandemic brought me to this site. Before the pandemic CTB was far off and I only planned to execute it to avoid advanced aging or prolonged terminal illness that would needlessly deplete my assets which could find better use elsewhere

 

[CyanideSoup]

Covid itself hasnt really effected me, but the lockdown and feeling like I can't make my own decisions has. I feel really trapped, especially right now because I can't travel to my ctb location. Hopefully the vaccine will be effective so we can start having control of our lives back again

 

[hopeisgone]

I struggled with suicidal ideation prior to lockdown but had recently in the past year gotten my life back on track or so it seemed... lockdown changed my newfound life permanently and plunged me deeper into depression than ever before.

 

[Adamsnolife]

I really really struggled in the first lockdown. It was hard to get my head around that made me more suicide. Now it's basically the same as the first one with UK in the third lockdown. I suppose the prize at the end is me ctb so it ends well when it eventually ends

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Nothing much has changed for me like many others here!

 

[WornOutLife]

Thanks a bunch for your comments! I can see lots of variety.

For some, this pandemic/lockdown hasn't changed anything.
For others, at first it was chaos but then wasn't.
For some others, at first it was paradise and then became kinda boring, depressing, troublesome or whatever negative adjective you wanna use. (this is what happened to me!)

I love SS!

 

[Amumu]

Ok at first, then more suicidal imo

 

[watchingthewheels]

More. Before, I had freedom of movement, and felt like I had options to improve my life, even if it meant being at odds with society, without blaming the world if I didn't try. Now, I feel there's little option precisely because a power stronger then mine has shut down much of the world, including movement. (I was stopped in a state park, all by myself, one night, by a park ranger while I was trying to observe the recent comet, for crying out loud...)

Granted, I was able to do some things. I did go to a true dark sky location to view the Milky Way last summer, something that was on my bucket list but had been putting off. I was motivated to finally do it, despite the 5 hour drive alone. And I was able to get by this long alone because I'm naturally an introvert. But the threat of a repeat and the impact on long-term planning, let alone short-term, has me feeling doubtful about the odds. If they can do this to us at any time now, for any reason...there's a difference between being a homebody and feeling boxed-in involuntarily despite being healthy or having done nothing wrong.

 

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

I attempted with exit bag and nitrogen back in September. I must have fallen from my chair or something and dislodged the bag. I didn't do it because of the pandemic though, just happened to be at the time.

 

[lotus11]

Spain, they denied me help. I have already exhausted the unemployment so I would have to request another application but I told you that there are people much worse off than me economically and that they are still processing their application from months ago.

dude, I feel you I'm living in Madrid and the benefits system in Spain is an absolute mess. I actually tried to claim benefits a good few months BEFORE the pandemic even started and even then I had to stand all day in an office eventually to be told 'sorry, our system isn't working' (something on the computers) 'come back tomorrow' so I came back the next day and repeated this 3 days in a row until the woman says' leave your details with me and ill sort it for you once the system works'...so that is what I did. I was like 'and when will I find out if I received the money'....and the woman was like...' within 3 months' 3 MONTHS?!?!?!?! well, obviously I could not survive 3 months without money to pay rent, eat or live so I had to leave Spain and return to the UK.

When I was back in the UK I signed on to the benefits system and I have to say it was far far easier and more organised than in Spain (although again this was pre covid, now I don't know)

I am quite lucky these months to actually be back in Spain and have a job but I have to say I feel so sorry for people relying on benefits in Spain because I have seen from myself and heard from others that the system is an absolute MESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[watchingthewheels]

These lockdowns are ironic for me, because I spent half of 2019 dealing with severe stuck kidneystones that blocked my kidney, and the pain was excrutiating. I was losing weight, anemic, and walking death. I somehow managed to keep working though it, if only because I live next door to work (and I couldn't drive at the time because of the pain hitting at random moments.) The only thing worse was the cure, and I still had them afterwards. I wanted to die so bad, went to bed many nights ready to go. But I lived, and got myself back in shape and feeling good early 2020, only to have the world shut down for a virus, and to be treated as one of the sick just when I was feeling healthy. Cruel cosmic joke. If I had known, I'd have let the stones take me out.

 

[tpurced]

Where I live we've not had full lockdowns where we have to stay home- so it hasn't really affected me much. The first few days I was stuck at home however felt pretty good as I managed to forget about most issues, but it didn't take long before all the shit came back. Then I was crying, anxious and paranoid- so can't say it was fun.

Lockdown is very mixed in my opinion so far.

 

[DJJE]

On the whole, it's made things better.

Being told to isolate takes the sting out of being generally isolated. Prior to lockdown, I had to commute into the city every day, surrounded by people boasting about how great their lives where, switch on social media and you get the same barrage of bullshit. Seeing that whilst stuck in your own thoughts made me feel worse. Now I'm isolated, but not because of anything I've done, its just the rules, somehow that's better. Plus the constant reminders of how isolated I am have gone.

There was a period where my father tried to rekindle our relationship. That was dreadful, a constant barrage of message telling me how shit I am, but the possibly of distraction was taken away. Thankfully that's passed.

I've also managed to sort out my house and finances. So I'm living in less of a shithole and can see light at the end of the tunnel in terms of debt.

I think people will be a bit more appreciative of each other and less full of shit when lockdown ends.

Thanks a bunch for your comments! I can see lots of variety.

For some, this pandemic/lockdown hasn't changed anything.
For others, at first it was chaos but then wasn't.
For some others, at first it was paradise and then became kinda boring, depressing, troublesome or whatever negative adjective you wanna use. (this is what happened to me!)

I love SS!

I keep find this community really makes be feel less alone, and less likely to make a suicide attempt as I realise I'm not the only one that feels this dreadful, and its a genuinely free and open forum - you don't have to worry about being sectioned for saying the wrong thing.

 

[Birdie]

It may be the cause of my suicide. If there's a deadliest mutation, then I'll definitely kill myself because I don't want to die to a virus... I want to be able to choose what's the best for me, and that would be a sweet death of my choice.

 

[Wakawaka]

less in the sense that i have an excuse for not working

more in the sense that i literally cant go to any store, go for a walk, see my friends, im broke because i dont have a job

so ya know

 

[builtwrong]

The pandemic didn't change jack shit for me, I spent all day inside before and I spent all day inside after. Not a thing in my life changed post-pandemic, other than being frustrated by forgetting my mask at home occasionally

 

[LostMyWay]

Yes, yes it did. When I was in middle & the very late years of elementary was really where my depression started to arise, but highschool made it much worse. Unfortunately I encountered more assholes there, and I was always a shy kid to begin with so I found it very hard to make friendships. It really made me feel much more like a failure, making me wonder things like "Why does this keep happening to me? why am I always alone every year? Why can't I be happy like everyone seems". It made me feel like there's something wrong with me, and there most likely is.

 

[nolongerhuman]

Most of my actual day to day activities didn't change much after the harshest lockdowns subsided but the way the university moved the schedule around to accommodate definitely didn't help my fragile stress tolerance.

 

[lookin4areason]

I would just say it's made me more depressed and hopeless with this life. I felt that way before of course, but now it's like, wtf. nothing will ever be the same, we will not have the same freedoms we've had. there will always be rules and restrictions of some sort. proof of vaccine to travel, attend events, masks at everything you do.. f that. f it all

 

[Sslsh]

I've been as suicidal as I was pre covid. But things are not easier to plan now. Had covid not come, I would have ctbd ages ago

 

[W’ren]

I was always suicidal.
But being alone 23 hours a day makes it worse!
Yay pandemic for giving me another Push!!

 

[LeGuitarist]

The pandemic... it's had a strange impact on me. During the pandemic is definitely when I started becoming more suicidal, but I don't know whether it's because of the pandemic, or just a coincidence. So I guess you can say that it's had a bad impact on me, since I did become more suicidal? Dunno

On the other hand, it's also had a positive impact. I found hobbies, met friends, and even somehow got myself a boyfriend (proof that depressed and suicidal people aren't unlovable). And before someone asks, yes, I met my friends and boyfriend online. Pity I don't know them in person; they're kind and supportive enough that they may potentially lesson my depression to the point where I may become less suicidal.

Ngl I think loneliness is part of the reason why I'm suicidal. Even before quarantine, I never had any friends. Starting in kindergarten, I've been bullied, and got into the habit of hiding from people and isolating. Never stopped doing that, even into adulthood. Kinda wonder what life would be like if I actually had people I can trust irl. Doubt I would be this depressed.

Sorry for the mini rant lol

Anyywaysss, to answer your question, I have absolutely no idea. I definitely got worse because of the pandemic, but I found priceless things and people from it too. If I had to say something, I guess I would just say it had a good impact on me. Ngl I don't know what I would do without my boyfriend or my friends, not to mention all my new hobbies and whatnot. Probably the only reason why only 50% of me wants to die, not 100%.

 

[Trisolaris]

Didn't affect me one way or the other.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

Slightly less I prefer life this way.

 

[JigsawFeelin]

The first few months, in retrospect, I had no idea how good i had it in terms of laying the groundwork to a really very decent post-covid life. I was still doing sex work (having started doing it in Nov 2020) , because I hadn't yet been told how much my two severe health conditions could fetch in benefits but my three friends and I were absolutely doing great. Not an afternoon didn't go by where the four of us weren't in group chat having a fucking ballistic time. My housemates and I all got on beautifully, divided chores, made the weeks on end with only a walk to the shop per day great, and knew when to leave each other alone and when to order pizza and have a movie night. And when lockdown in the UK eased and we were all able to see each other/go to gigs/pubs etc? I got into a relationship with one of my three friends. The first 5 months were really great, despite our worries about being in a lesbian relationship, concerns about my mental health and the UK going back into lockdown. She was much more grounded and less fatalistic than me so she soothed me through it, was super smart and gave me excellent ideas of how to plan my future. So I felt like I was on my way out of sex work, into a job I could manage, and with her by my side. The end of last year was the most happy I've been since Oct 2019, and I had my first ever happy birthday. True, I'd spent birthdays with my significant ex who I miss every day, but no birthday I've ever had has felt that 'right'- I remember sitting in the bar, absolutely amazed at how I'd managed to bring so much light into my life.

And then the people renting out my old house decided they wanted to sell it and I had to move. I ended up just round the corner living in a beautiful house with an acquaintance I partied with who was *meant* to now be living in Hastings and only returning to London occasionally.- the deal was basically I paid hardly any rent to live alone, he'd come back sometimes. But then he split up with his gf in Hastings and moved back. I wouldn't say he's a bad housemate, but there's stuff about living with him that really upsets me. And then sex work really got to me and I broke up with my ex gf. I hurt her really badly, and considering for six months we'd either been round each other's houses or talking on the phone, it felt like half of me went with her. I wasn't sensible after the break up and lashed out in a BPD way so severed that tie. Add to all this that my other two friends have either distanced themselves from me, or are now planning a wedding.....and it shocks me that this time last year it felt like we were all meant to be.

I can't believe God gave me the perfect outline for a happy-ish future and I shat it up the wall.

I'm now trying desperately to have hope. I'm looking at all the ways I can make friends, getting back on the dating scene and applying for part time jobs-all in an attempt to maybe claw back something resembling the life I had this time last year.
I keep telling myself I'm 25, and everyone I've ever met in their 30s/40s has described these years as the hardest but I keep opening up my google calendar, trying to work out how long I can feasibly feel this alone for. I wish I'd not freaked out and burnt my ties with my ex gf. But sex work is horrifying work.

 

[disillusionment]

More suicidal. I'm an introvert so it's not like I used to go out a lot but I did enjoy some things that I can't do any more. Like my life was always bad but now the few little things that brought me joy have been taken away, and a bunch of new things to worry about have been added. I'm sick of being in constant lockdowns, plus I have anxiety and it has gotten so bad. Also 2020 in general was horrible for other reasons as well, so much bad stuff happened to me at the same time as the pandemic. I feel like I'm at my limit but I'm still such a coward.

 

[WornOutLife]

I feel like I'm at my limit but I'm still such a coward.

I'm sorry to hear this, pal. Being at the limit certainly sucks.

I felt like this last night and was about to act impulsively but fortunately calmed down.

In my case, the lockdown has kinda helped me because I can work from home without having to go out! (I hate being outside lol)
However, it's made some other things worse such as making me gain lots of weight, more lonely, lazy and I miss those days on which I could just go to a bar or night club and get drunk af and forget about this reality for some time.

 

[NormaJeane]

Covid-19 had no effect on me and why should it?

 

[xaea13]

First months were a blessing for me! I loved staying in my apartment and not going out at all.
Then, life became kinda monotonous and I think it made me more suicidal (I want to ctb for many reasons, but things got worse I guess)


What about you? Has this pandemic made you more or less suicidal?

Initially less, when I thought of it as a break and a reset on life that I could come out of stronger. Then it became more clear that it isn't gonna end anytime soon, so all the shattered hopes of coming back out into the world brought me right back to square one.