
takuyablackbox
[ should've been born a deer ]
- Feb 19, 2025
- 16
as it stands now, i'm 5 months free from SH. but that was after one incident, where before that i was 10 months free. when i first started SH it was just in the regular places, such as my wrist and forearm. i'd cut, stab, burn myself with a torch or cigarette. but there started being unavoidable weird conversations with my friends who'd notice and eventually a point came where i genuinely wanted to quit, and was going on and off, stopping and relapsing. that 10 month period where i was free was where i started doing better, but then it's like i got hit with this overwhelming dread and loneliness. i would enter stages of hypomania, legit rolling on the floor and pulling my hair. during one of these episodes is when i took a razor and relapsed, not on my arm this time but on my face. i carved out a curved line about an inch under my left eye, trailing across my upper cheek, and remember the sheer relief i felt from it. i can't describe it, it literally felt like i had trapped spirits in my head that i'd let out once i made an opening. and over a month i would relapse over and over again, being careful to recut the same exact line on my cheek. it was thin eyelid-esque skin, so it was pretty sensitive and i'd involuntary tear up but it was very easy to draw blood as you didn't need much force between the thin skin and upper cheekbone. i was also fully in denial that it was SH because it felt entirely different from cutting my arm, but i told my friend about it one night and they told me i was SHing and i started coming back to my senses and eventually stopped. now there's a permanent scar that follows the curvature of my eye from the upper left corner of my nose to the upper left corner of my cheekbone. i have dark skin, so it's not too noticeable, but it's still definitely noticeable. it's obvious that it's a scar but it kinda looks like an eyebag line. and anytime a family member would ask what happened, i say i was laying down playing with my friends cat and it scratched me. terrible excuse ik lol but it works, and if they don't believe me they'll probably just assume i got in a fight. if a friend or stranger asks, though, i'm comfortable enough at this point to just casually tell them i was insane and cut my face open. does anyone else have SH history in unconventional places? and is it in a place where you get asked about it a lot?