Has anyone else lost all meaning and desire to live even when not depressed?

[peacecomingsoon]

I feel like this last depressive episode I've been in has been deeper and more impactful. Mostly in the way that it's affected the way I feel about life when I'm not depressed too. About how meaningless and worthless my life and the way I live it is even when I'm mentally 'well'. The only factors conflicting me from dying are my family/parents and dogs.

I find myself caring about nothing anymore. Nothing matters and yet I still worry about how my parents will be impacted after my death. I know that my death/suicide is inevitable in the near future likely, but still worry about my family and the impact on them. I'm stuck in a psych ward again right now for having a suicide plan with access to SN which I won't give up too. And it will change nothing, being here in this ward for however long they keep me. The people here can't seem to fathom that suicide can be well thought out and planned and not impulsive. My last attempt had been planned for a month before but still failed.

I plan to use my SN as soon as I'm released from hospital, but for now am left contemplating my thoughts and feelings. I think especially hard about how my life will be ruined by this constant recurrence of depression I have. I wish others and mental health professionals would understand that we should have the right to choose whether to live or die, especially if considered over a long period of time.

Does anyone else feel this similar feeling of life having lost all meaning and not caring about anything anymore? Yet still caring about family somehow?

 

[ohsosleepy]

Yeah. I know nothing will matter when I die. But having been worrying about being a burden all my life, I can't help but worry about being a burden after my death too. I don't want to hurt them with my death. Life doesn't mean anything for me anymore, but I know that it still does for them. Ideally, I wouldn't ruin that.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel very similarly to this. Everything just feels like a slog now. The best I achieve is time passing without me realising it- if I'm able to lose myself in work/ distraction. The odd thing I might enjoy or even find funny but- it's nothing meaningful enough to change my overall feeling about life.

I do still worry about what my suicide would do to my Dad though. So, I just feel trapped here for now. It's just mostly anxiety, frustration and resentment though- as I go reluctantly about working to support a life I don't want.

 

[BPDvic]

I have reached a place where I don't want to die, yet I don't to live. I miss the days when all I was thinking about is ending my life.

 

[_Gollum_]

I miss the days when all I was thinking about is ending my life.

God this is relatable. We must sound insane to normies

 

[spiders.in.my.head]

Tbh, yeah. I've been feeling mostly okay for the last few weeks, but my motivation to do anything is still non existent. i still feel like any semblance of stability will be ripped away from me any minute and I'll go tumbling right back down.
i dont really want to die (at least for now), but i dont want to live either. everything feels pointless, even if im not miserable. my life doesn't contribute anything to the world. im just an annoying pest wasting time until the inevitable.

some part of me thinks that maybe i should fuck myself up again on purpose, just to get it over with.

 

[BPDvic]

God this is relatable. We must sound insane to normies

I sound insane to me. I can't move towards nowhere.

Tbh, yeah. I've been feeling mostly okay for the last few weeks, but my motivation to do anything is still non existent. i still feel like any semblance of stability will be ripped away from me any minute and I'll go tumbling right back down.
i dont really want to die (at least for now), but i dont want to live either. everything feels pointless, even if im not miserable. my life doesn't contribute anything to the world. im just an annoying pest wasting time until the inevitable.

some part of me thinks that maybe i should fuck myself up again on purpose, just to get it over with.

and that's why I still doing researches and bought all the gears I need. Didn't give my stuffs away or showed any signs to people around me. Now just waiting to an "event" to push me to CTB.