Venting Has anyone else accepted the fact they'll never find the courage to ctb?

[conveniently_dead]

Absolutely terrifying thought. Literally sends me into panic attacks.

I've been suffering from mental illness and suicidal thoughts for most of my life.

I've planned a few different methods and backed out of all of them. Today I have a ton of benzos and a place to jump.

Just can't do it. I just don't have the courage. This doesn't mean I want to live honestly.

It just means I'm fucked. I'm a coward and I'm gonna be stuck here for a long time. Things are gonna get worse and I'm going to have to endure it until the bitter end.

 

[Meteora]

Would you leave if you could get an assisted suicide with Natrium Pentobarbital?

 

[cherry7]

Absolutely terrifying thought. Literally sends me into panic attacks.

I've been suffering from mental illness and suicidal thoughts for most of my life.

I've planned a few different methods and backed out of all of them. Today I have a ton of benzos and a place to jump.

Just can't do it. I just don't have the courage. This doesn't mean I want to live honestly.

It just means I'm fucked. I'm a coward and I'm gonna be stuck here for a long time. Things are gonna get worse and I'm going to have to endure it until the bitter end.

I sometimes wonder what if the aim of the game is to get the courage to actually CTB and that I'll have to keep coming back to this life until I get the courage to do it? (Pretty backwards thinking I know but it's an idea I have sometimes).

 

[Unsure and Useless]

Yep. I've accepted the fact that I'm a coward who won't ever attempt despite regularly telling myself that I want to die.

It's even become a joke among my close friends. "You don't have the balls," they always say, and I can't even deny it.

I want a way out of here or at least a way to hurt myself so I can punish myself for being a coward, but I can't stand pain nor can I handle the fallout if I fail a CTB attempt. Thinking about how everyone will see me as a pathetic weakling if they ever find out I want to CTB or engage in self harm always prevents me from doing anything.

Maybe if I get drunk or something, the liquid courage will make my fear more lax, allowing me to actually go through with a CTB attempt. I can always use plausible deniability afterwards if I fail, saying that I was "too drunk" to comprehend what I was doing.

 

[conveniently_dead]

Would you leave if you could get an assisted suicide with Natrium Pentobarbital?

I was actually going to apply for MAID here in Canada for mental illness but they postponed the law until 2027. They will never pass the law at this rate.

 

[UKscotty]

I don't think it's about courage. CTB goes against everything in our minds, it's literally the last resort.

Only once we are ready to CTB do we carry out the act.

We can only ever be ready once all options for recovery have not worked out.

 

[sserafim]

It's even become a joke among my close friends. "You don't have the balls," they always say, and I can't even deny it.

I can't stand pain nor can I handle the fallout if I fail a CTB attempt. Thinking about how everyone will see me as a pathetic weakling if they ever find out I want to CTB always prevents me from doing anything.

That's what my mom says. She says stuff like "you're not brave enough to ctb", "you don't have the courage to ctb", "if you wanted to ctb you would've done it by now" and other shit. And same, I can't stand the thought being thought of as a failure if I fail a ctb attempt. I would just be deeply ashamed that I couldn't even successfully die.

 

[Final_Choice]

My CTB date is some time from now and I've already prepared myself mentally and am getting things in order, both to set up everything on my CTB method so that it goes as painless as possible while also trying to make it as perfect as I can, but also to make sure no one stops or any distractions/thoughts cause me to hesitate. I'm already ready but I still get nervous when everything is ready, so I'm trying to steel my nerves and further prepare mentally so that when my date arrives I'll be ready.

 

[Onomatopoeia]

CTB takes incredible courage. It's scary because of the unknown. I'm just hoping the SCUBA method with nitrogen is as painless, fast and peaceful as all the literature says. Jumping takes a lot of courage. I hope you find peace one way or the other.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

At the moment, yes, I don't have the courage to ctb in a painful way. However, as I age, I hope that I will gain this courage

 

[BorderlineChellery]

I've had many attempts and I want to ctb, but this time I need to find a method that will work. I want to find as peaceful a way as possible, I don't think I could do a method that's painful

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm afraid I won't have the guts to do it but, I still have hope that I will when I need to. That's really the crux of it- I think there will come a time for me where life is more frightening than at least attempting to escape it.

 

[Meteora]

I was actually going to apply for MAID here in Canada for mental illness but they postponed the law until 2027. They will never pass the law at this rate.

What does that mean, they postponed the law?

 

[haibane]

Maybe im delusional, but i genuinely think that one day i will have the courage to do it

 

[Polly__]

To be honest I don't think I can ever accept it.. I suppose I could say I fully recognize it though I always think to myself if I could find people that can just really push me to that edge it would be easier and I would lose my "fear" I suppose. I don't know, I've been stumped about this aswell..I'll find a solution one of these days I guess, that's all I can really tell myself for now.

 

[Umacon]

My CTB date is some time from now and I've already prepared myself mentally and am getting things in order, both to set up everything on my CTB method so that it goes as painless as possible while also trying to make it as perfect as I can, but also to make sure no one stops or any distractions/thoughts cause me to hesitate. I'm already ready but I still get nervous when everything is ready, so I'm trying to steel my nerves and further prepare mentally so that when my date arrives I'll be ready.

May I ask your method?

 

[Final_Choice]

May I ask your method?

SN. I'm in a good university in the US so I tried ordering the purest SN I could find and have it ordered to one of the labs. Not sure if I'll actually be able to get it or not but the order is placed so hopefully I manage to get it.

 

[Umacon]

SN. I'm in a good university in the US so I tried ordering the purest SN I could find and have it ordered to one of the labs. Not sure if I'll actually be able to get it or not but the order is placed so hopefully I manage to get it.

SN is my method also.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I hope someday I do find the courage. I would hate to be stuck in this world any longer than I have to be.

 

[Ariii]

Sort of, before the 16th (the date I was planning for), i kept thinking that I probably wouldn't go through with it. Bc I didn't go through with it, Im even more certain about dying now. I hope next time I'll have the courage, but that feels so unobtainable

 

[DEATH IS FREEDOM]

If we could have euthanasia like we should, no one would need to write here. I can´t wait for a death of old age - it will be too painful to continue to suffer for decades. Suicide is my only option - only delayed. Death is the most frightening thing so it´s no wonder that it´s difficult to do it alone.

 

[Olisop21.]

Would you leave if you could get an assisted suicide with Natrium Pentobarbital?

Yessss

 

[deathslament]

no i will, i need an effective method that is suitable for me.

 

[Chronosphere]

I have this thoughts too.
But death is like life. You just need to move forward, even by smallest steps to your goal. And you will get it. One way or another you can find a way to trick your SI. At least I want to believe that I will.

 

[Meteora]

I don't think I'll ever be ok with accepting that I'll never do it.
Would be nice though.

 

[strangelife]

I think I I have enough courage, but my mind tells me to wait some time and I want to spent more time with my loved ones

 

[theboy]

it is difficult to do ctb because of the SI and other factors but some prefer to go ahead and have the courage no matter what it takes.

 

[DOKTOR_G'HUL]

I don't think that not "having the courage" is the problem, since I have already given it two serious gos, and both times, something utterly absurd got in the way. I'm hoping that third time's the charm. I've just found that I end up lying on the ground or lying in the bathroom, laughing my head off at the silly way Death kept me from her cold embrace. She really doesn't want me around, I guess. Well, guess what, baby? I'm coming one way or the other.

 

[AlexYaBoy]

Absolutely terrifying thought. Literally sends me into panic attacks.

I've been suffering from mental illness and suicidal thoughts for most of my life.

I've planned a few different methods and backed out of all of them. Today I have a ton of benzos and a place to jump.

Just can't do it. I just don't have the courage. This doesn't mean I want to live honestly.

It just means I'm fucked. I'm a coward and I'm gonna be stuck here for a long time. Things are gonna get worse and I'm going to have to endure it until the bitter end.

If you're a "coward", then the vast majority of the population is as well. It's human nature to avoid dying. You'll get there when you get there, becuase rushing or doing it on impulse lead to...you know...unfavourable outcomes. If you don't, then you don't. Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

[xmissellax]

I think SI is definitely the last hurdle toward a successful CTB. I was verrry ready for a short while after some extremely bad anaesthesia induced deep depression/anxiety, extreme pain after my gallbladder removal, mother diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, EUBPD extreme anxiety flare, self admitted to a ward, potential endometriosis and a bad trip with a THC edible where I only felt safe in A&E and was telling my family and boyfriend to restrain my hands as I was terrified of what I would do to myself. Things went to absolute shit I was ready to jump off a bridge into water so many times as I was terrified things would never get better. Living in that state was more terrifying to me than dying. was also terrified that things would get better as it meant that living became less scarier than dying. The state is passing now and I'm back to my baseline of deppression/anxiety/less involved/active suicidal ideation, so I know I'm not ready anymore now. Which sucks and doesn't suck.

It means there's hope for recovery but I'm scared. I don't wanna get old and suffer with all that shite. Terrified of cancer and all that. But like someone else says maybe when things get that bad again I'll have more courage to CTB and at least I have SN now, though I am terrified of it going off. Though apparently it can last like 10+ years stored correctly.

At least I have more chance to stick around for a holiday to Japan with family and bf now. I've always wanted to go there.

It's so complicated isn't it?