u_unoriginal
New Member
- Apr 12, 2026
- 2
Been really struggling over the past couple of months.
Had top surgery in December which don't get me wrong I'm incredibly thankful and grateful for (free on NHS). Although now my body image issues are running rampant (gained a lot of weight over the last 4 months).
I'm also coming to the realisation with the decline of my mental health over the last year that I'm probably never going to amount to anything and have no real purpose. I'm studying a 'useless' degree which I'm currently failing because of my mental health and this is my second attempt at studying at uni the first time being in 2021 before I dropped out after attempting to ctb.
I've lost my only friend due to my OCD, the rift I had started to repair with my family has been damaged again as they found out about my sh relapse. And I've made no real connections with any of my peers at uni.
The only reason I'm still alive right now is because of 3 specific people - my therapist, and 2 of the staff members at a mental health charity I volunteer and also access support at. I feel completely reliant on the structure of seeing each of them on set days/times but I know those connections are only temporary as they are all within a professional capacity and not actual bonds. I can't even blame anyone but myself, I'm a horrible person to be around. And I just know that if they didn't have to deal with me as part of their job they probably wouldn't choose to be anywhere near me.
I know I should want to recover and improve myself, but it feels a lil hopeless. I was sh free for almost 3 years, still stuck in this self deprecating, self destruction cycle.
Started looking/planning on how I want to ctb and know I should probably talk to my therapist about it (I know they wouldn't put me on invol so that's not a concern at least) but at the same time I feel bad making them hold all of my eggs in their basket.
I don't know, just a bit of a ramble, apologies.
- Jae
Had top surgery in December which don't get me wrong I'm incredibly thankful and grateful for (free on NHS). Although now my body image issues are running rampant (gained a lot of weight over the last 4 months).
I'm also coming to the realisation with the decline of my mental health over the last year that I'm probably never going to amount to anything and have no real purpose. I'm studying a 'useless' degree which I'm currently failing because of my mental health and this is my second attempt at studying at uni the first time being in 2021 before I dropped out after attempting to ctb.
I've lost my only friend due to my OCD, the rift I had started to repair with my family has been damaged again as they found out about my sh relapse. And I've made no real connections with any of my peers at uni.
The only reason I'm still alive right now is because of 3 specific people - my therapist, and 2 of the staff members at a mental health charity I volunteer and also access support at. I feel completely reliant on the structure of seeing each of them on set days/times but I know those connections are only temporary as they are all within a professional capacity and not actual bonds. I can't even blame anyone but myself, I'm a horrible person to be around. And I just know that if they didn't have to deal with me as part of their job they probably wouldn't choose to be anywhere near me.
I know I should want to recover and improve myself, but it feels a lil hopeless. I was sh free for almost 3 years, still stuck in this self deprecating, self destruction cycle.
Started looking/planning on how I want to ctb and know I should probably talk to my therapist about it (I know they wouldn't put me on invol so that's not a concern at least) but at the same time I feel bad making them hold all of my eggs in their basket.
I don't know, just a bit of a ramble, apologies.
- Jae
