Venting Hard to continue

[LunarGirl]

I just want to vent a little bit… I was so in love with someone and I let my insecurities and self destructive tendencies get in the way and destroy the relationship to the point where we don't talk anymore. I won't get into the details but I really fucked it up. Every single day, every single hour, I can't stop thinking about her. Everything I see is a reminder of the time we spent together. It is only after being apart with zero contact have I realised just how much I love her and want to spend my life with her but it is too late now. Why couldn't I have come to this conclusion earlier? She is the most perfect woman I have ever met, ticks every box I could ever have and yet I let my own mental illness get in the way of it, as I do with most things in my life. I've just spent most days in bed crying now. I also caught covid which is fucking great, and has just made me feel worse. I just, don't see the point anymore. I have no motivation to do things. I don't wanna get over this, I want her. I am finding it way too hard to continue at this point.

 

[OICU812]

I know exactly how you feel, and I truly sympathize with you. I did the exact same thing seven years ago. I met my perfect woman, one who really gets me, and I screwed it up to the point of no return. I wrote her a suicide note and she was the last thing on my mind before my failed CTB attempt. I still think of her every day. But damn I was so blind of this when I was with her. It's true, you don't realize what you have until it's gone. Now, after it's too late, I finally realize that she was the only one for me. I want to write her a letter but I think that would just rip the band-aid off and re-open her wounds. During the total eclipse today I made a wish for her to find someone to make her feel the way she made me feel.

Maybe there's still hope for you to reconnect - you'll never know until you try. But don't wait seven years like I did, because it will eat you alive every day.

 

[errorsinmypast]

You didn't ruin it on purpose, like you said yourself you have mental health issues that have played a part in the break down of the relationship. I'm a big believer in what's for you doesn't pass you by, so maybe the universe has let her go purely because there is someone more suited to you waiting in the wings. I don't know you but I can imagine you done your best with this lady at the time, the best you were able to