Happiness is a choice.

[greyblue_bian]

It's been a bit since I've posted here or interacted with anything, but I've got a boyfriend now. I met him online and we're long-distance, but I've managed to socialize outside of my family. Also mentioning socializing, my old friends have been talking to me more and I even decided to go out with one of them recently. It went really well. I'm doing good with driving and need to polish up my skills before I take my driver's test soon (finally). My family situation has toned down more than it has "gotten better" as we don't talk anymore and they are actually moving overseas for 2+ years in a week from now. My mom and I have been turbulent, but everything's toned down there too. I'm looking for a work-from-home job, and I'm mostly leaning towards becoming a commission writer since I seem to be good at that (at least good enough to get paid by others for it).

All of this is to say that CTB is still something I keep going back to. None of these things have made me happy for the long term. I still dwell on all the stupidest shit. I still get scared that I'll always be dependent on my mom and alone for the rest of my life. My friends will leave me. I haven't put enough effort into my friendships to say they will last, honestly. My boyfriend lives a completely different life from me. He is completely different from me. He has a job, his own place, his own car, and he doesn't seem to dwell on the past as much as I do. He just kind of moves on quickly. It will only be a matter of time until he realizes that I don't have anything to provide for him other than some sex and company. Not that I have any sex skills since I'm still a virgin and I have no social skills because I don't talk to people in person very much. I thought if I tried getting better and made another attempt at trying to improve myself and my life I would be happy. I'm not saying my boyfriend doesn't make me happy, it's the fact that I am nothing. I have nothing.

I'm scared. I'm scared I'll never know what to do. I know no one ever knows what they're doing, or whatever people say, but I mean to live or not to live. I just think it would be easier for me to burn in hell. At least I know where I'm going. I'm scared that I'm too scared to ever actually do anything (ctb) and I'm scared I'll never do anything to keep on living if I do stick with my decision to just keep trying. I think I would rather live in this fear (if surviving is what's "important") than not be scared of anything and face everything without a second thought. I think I would still be scared even if I was happy. I'm terrified of everything around me. It's so pathetic, but I think it's also very beneficial. It keeps me safe. It makes me feel like my mind is still intact.

All of these good things going on for me in my life just make it more clear to me that nothing will save me from myself. And I'm going to miss this place if it ever dies.

 

[puella]

You aren't nothing. There is so much value in you, depression just makes us be harsh to ourselves.

I am so proud of you. I know it's been hard for you, but you've still done so much. I'm sorry you're in pain. I hope you'll be able to find whatever it could be that would give you the happiness you deserve.

 

[Gleysson]

Hmmmm. I don't think happiness is a choice. Is more of a consequence. It's not that you can't be fixed, I think it's more that you've been hurt so much that the scars sting and you fear more injuries, and that's absolutely understandable. I am going to say the most shitty thing you'll hear, but it takes time for the scars to blend again and stop itching.

Don't rely on a person, if your boyfriend breaks up, his loss. Thinking about depending on your mother forever makes sense, as she's been your support since you came into this mess, but maybe it's better if you SLOWLY stop relying on her. Making new friends but staying in contact with your past friends just shows you're a person people want to be around even if online. And your family travelling for 2+ years opens space for a lot of change. And it's terrifying. But you're not alone. You have your friends and your boyfriend for now. After that, maybe another boyfriend? A new best friend? A job that you love so much it makes it worth keeping? Maybe you move, maybe you change, maybe something absolutely unexpected happens and your life turns upside down. Who knows? It's an uncertainty as much as the uncertainty of death. CTB can always be a last resort. But what if things change for the better?

Knowing what to do is a very vague thing to think about. And that opens space for the bad thoughts to come in. You just said it yourself, you want to try and be a writer, you know what to do there. Now.

The absolute goal of the end life realizations rarely come by. We live by with small fleeting goals. And more come, and even more go. But you stay, and you change, and you see things differently. Changes are scary, but they may come with a suprise that shakes how you feel about life, and in turn you feel a little better, (faster?), stronger.

*sorry, I had to put that Daft Punk reference there

And through the battle, with help, with company (even if it's online or your therapist/psychiatrist) happiness may start to blossom. I'm not saying it will be instant, and I'm not saying it will be easy. But I'm saying it's worthwhile the try.


I'm sorry that you are in so much pain and confusion. But if I can help, PM me! I may take some time to respond, but that's because my work life is hell lately. You'll never intrude or take my time. I'm putting myself here for you.

Cheers!

 

[greyblue_bian]

Hmmmm. I don't think happiness is a choice. Is more of a consequence. It's not that you can't be fixed, I think it's more that you've been hurt so much that the scars sting and you fear more injuries, and that's absolutely understandable. I am going to say the most shitty thing you'll hear, but it takes time for the scars to blend again and stop itching.

Don't rely on a person, if your boyfriend breaks up, his loss. Thinking about depending on your mother forever makes sense, as she's been your support since you came into this mess, but maybe it's better if you SLOWLY stop relying on her. Making new friends but staying in contact with your past friends just shows you're a person people want to be around even if online. And your family travelling for 2+ years opens space for a lot of change. And it's terrifying. But you're not alone. You have your friends and your boyfriend for now. After that, maybe another boyfriend? A new best friend? A job that you love so much it makes it worth keeping? Maybe you move, maybe you change, maybe something absolutely unexpected happens and your life turns upside down. Who knows? It's an uncertainty as much as the uncertainty of death. CTB can always be a last resort. But what if things change for the better?

Knowing what to do is a very vague thing to think about. And that opens space for the bad thoughts to come in. You just said it yourself, you want to try and be a writer, you know what to do there. Now.

The absolute goal of the end life realizations rarely come by. We live by with small fleeting goals. And more come, and even more go. But you stay, and you change, and you see things differently. Changes are scary, but they may come with a suprise that shakes how you feel about life, and in turn you feel a little better, (faster?), stronger.

*sorry, I had to put that Daft Punk reference there

And through the battle, with help, with company (even if it's online or your therapist/psychiatrist) happiness may start to blossom. I'm not saying it will be instant, and I'm not saying it will be easy. But I'm saying it's worthwhile the try.


I'm sorry that you are in so much pain and confusion. But if I can help, PM me! I may take some time to respond, but that's because my work life is hell lately. You'll never intrude or take my time. I'm putting myself here for you.

Cheers!

This comment definitely made me feel like I've got that power…

Thanks for taking the time to reply to this with so much to say :)
But, the point of the title was point out that happiness isn't a choice. I only put it there for irony, really. Again, thanks a lot, stranger.

You aren't nothing. There is so much value in you, depression just makes us be harsh to ourselves.

I am so proud of you. I know it's been hard for you, but you've still done so much. I'm sorry you're in pain. I hope you'll be able to find whatever it could be that would give you the happiness you deserve.

Thank you for taking the time to comment, stranger :) It's appreciated.

 

[Gleysson]

This comment definitely made me feel like I've got that power…

Thanks for taking the time to reply to this with so much to say :)
But, the point of the title was point out that happiness isn't a choice. I only put it there for irony, really. Again, thanks a lot, stranger.

Thank you for taking the time to comment, stranger :) It's appreciated.

Dude. Grab life by the balls and twist'em. You're not stuck here with them, they are stuck here with you. And fuck that, you're crazy, and it's awesome (please don't kill people, it's just a form of phrasing)!

And sometimes I go on rants and lose my focus. Hahahahahahha. I now see that happiness is a choice is irony. Anywho. You've got the power. And then one day life will come and grab your balls (figuratively) and twist'em. And things will be shit. But you'll be stronger, so you'll endure. And then life will release your balls, and the pain will alleviate.

I have balls on my mind today. Good luck, stable life and carry on.

 

[Blue Elephant]

It will only be a matter of time until he realizes that I don't have anything to provide for him other than some sex and company.

Company should be enough. Company is the most important, the most precious and the most beautiful thing that you can offer to someone. Company is YOU! If company is not enough then I would not want to be with another person.

I don't think happiness is a choice. Is more of a consequence.

I think it's more correct to say that Happyness CAN be a choice. Some people will just ignore reality, fabricate their own worlds and fill them with their own lies so they have somewhere where they can be happy, others are just too dumb to understand what is happening around them and are happy for no reason really.

 

[Gleysson]

I think it's more correct to say that Happyness CAN be a choice. Some people will just ignore reality, fabricate their own worlds and fill them with their own lies so they have somewhere where they can be happy, others are just too dumb to understand what is happening around them and are happy for no reason really.

Hmmmm. That's an interesting point of view. When my patients die, ones which I took care for a while, I sometimes feel the loss. I feel like I've failed them. But I have to be strong for their families, so before I break the news, I go to my little lie filled world where I can pretend I'm happy for a while and drain the energy from that place. Then I break the news, give all my support (I don't mean I don't cry and pretend it doesn't affect me, I don't think doctors are prohibited of crying with the patient, but I must be a stone for them to cling on, even if for a few moments) and when I'm alone, or coming home from a hard shift, I just blare some metal and painful songs and just scream it out. It renovates me. That was something I couldn't do when I was suicidal. I couldn't come back from that pit. Slowly we learn to deal with the hardships

 

[Blue Elephant]

Hmmmm. That's an interesting point of view. When my patients die, ones which I took care for a while, I sometimes feel the loss. I feel like I've failed them. But I have to be strong for their families, so before I break the news, I go to my little lie filled world where I can pretend I'm happy for a while and drain the energy from that place. Then I break the news, give all my support (I don't mean I don't cry and pretend it doesn't affect me, I don't think doctors are prohibited of crying with the patient, but I must be a stone for them to cling on, even if for a few moments) and when I'm alone, or coming home from a hard shift, I just blare some metal and painful songs and just scream it out. It renovates me. That was something I couldn't do when I was suicidal. I couldn't come back from that pit. Slowly we learn to deal with the hardships

This is one reason for fabricating a reality, another one might be so a person stays sane like maybe after they experience a very traumatic event. These are good reasons. There are bad reasons too.

Feeling loss and feeling like you've failed them shows that you are a caring person. But feeling like you've failed them is wrong (unless you actually failed them because you made a mistake), you haven't failed them if you did what you could for them. Sometimes there is loss, of life or whatever else, it's normal, it's natural, it's.. life. : )

Listening to loud music and screaming is a good way to deal with pain. I wish I could scream sometimes. : )

edit: Thank you for sharing!

 

[Gleysson]

I know this. I am very proud of knowing I always give my best. That's why whenever something like this happens, I come home (after The Release™) and sleep like a baby (after taking my meds, because I can't sleep anymore, but that's topic for another story) and next shift I come with a smile and do it all over again.

But you see. You feel responsible. Most doctors (good ones) I know are perfectionists. And if we make a mistake, we failed and even if we didn't, but the outcome was bad, we also failed. It's kind of engrained in the brain. We have to know everything, we have to heal everything. Actual experienced doctors know that is not true, but I've just begun, so there's still a lot of idealisation.

"Sometimes there is loss, of life or whatever else, it's normal, it's natural, it's.. life"

It's funny that you said that. I've been thinking, and it seems the more around death I am, the less suicidal I get. I think I'm going to make a post of if.

You seem like a very insightful person. Thank you for your comments and support!

And another thing, try and scream. Just manic, high pitched screams (when you're in your car or somewhere alone). Talk to yourself in crazy voices, say stupid jokes only you understand. I have so much fun with myself and there is so much energy released. It's my tip to get by crazy times.