Venting “Happiness is a choice! You choose to (or not to) be happy!”

[TAW122]

This is an infuriating platitude and remark that I have heard before throughout life by anti-choicers who like to belittle, infantilize, and otherwise dismiss others' plights and troubles as to not have to take them seriously. The common phrase that is espoused (and with some variation too) is "Happiness is a choice! You choose to (or not to) be happy!". This is dismissive and belittling because it puts aside whatever struggles or complaints one may have and then seeks to be smug and morally superior to the person that is being addressed to.

Then there is the problem of hypocrisy when it comes to decision making capacity. How does this relate to the right to die or bodily autonomy? It is related because anti-choicers and pro-lifers often like to use that line of reasoning or pretext as to deny others' the choice of bodily autonomy, implying that one is not of sound mind when one decides that life is intolerable (for any reason) and want to exit life. But on the flip-side, when it comes to happiness (or many other issues and potentially other stuff), anti-choicers like to conveniently ignore and presume that one is capable and of sound mind when it comes to choosing to either be happy or to do something. In other words, decision making capacity and soundness of mind should either apply or not, and not picking and choosing when to apply it (aka intellectual dishonesty).

Back onto the topic of this thread. This platitude or rather inane, insensitive, and dismissive statement, there are various things, sometimes out of one's control or not, that can affect someone's mood. Like losing a game, or making a mistake (whether one is at work or just day to day activities), it's obvious people aren't going to be happy at the moment. So to assert and claim that one chooses to be unhappy or so, is really just a dismissive and infantilizing way of putting someone down while patting oneself (the anti-choicer) that they are morally superior. In the end, there are many things that can cause suffering and unpleasantness, so to claim that one chooses to be happy or such is just a blatant insult while disregarding another's well being by relegating their problems all to their head. It is also insidious to imply that one is just actively choosing to suffer while there are things that are out of one's control as well as wrongthink because one is pessimistic yet realistic, but I digress.

 

[Smart No More]

I'm burned out and tired so forgive me for not reading your post in full right now. I just wanted to say I definitely feel that if you choose to be happy that isn't happiness. That's selective belief/ignorance. Much like blind faith which is a gambling frame of mind in my opinion. Facts rule the world. There are no "alternative" facts. Facts are called facts becuase of the definition of the word. Much like truth. Facts are binary and so is truth and it is true that you cannot choose happiness in the face of true sadness.


I think the only circumstance in which you can "choose" happiness is in a round about way in which a certain path of action can lead you to being happy. In this instance you could be seen to be choosing happiness. You could also be choosing not to give up. I would be encouraging of this however I'm not sure this is what people mean when they use such platitudes. Some may but if they're professionals in a treatment scenario they should know better than being so generalised in their terminology and should be proactive in helping a person track the path to happiness rather than essentially throwing blame at a vulnerable person who may or may not understand the situation in full. Things are always much easier to analyze from the outside looking in.
In social or family based relationships these platitudes are just highly ignorant and harmful. I would urge anyone hearing these platitudes in these circumstances to choose selective deafness in line with the speakers selective ignorance. But I would urge anyone troubled by sadness and depression to consider whether there is a route to happiness in their specific case. I hope this addition/edit to my original post doesn't negate my initial sentiment as I stand by that and do know that the fact is, not everyone has the resources to be happy. I just emplore people to look for ways if they can because we don't know, what we don't know, right?! Like I know things now I couldn't fathom or imagine as a child. That said, that doesn't mean my child self was guilty of anything for that. They just hadn't had the experiences that were to follow.

 

[1MiserableGuy]

We don't choose our emotional states, but we do choose how we're going to respond to them. Anger, for example, can be a very helpful and constructive emotion for letting you know that your boundaries have been violated. Uncontrolled anger, however, is how valuable items get broken, relationships get destroyed, and someone gets injured. Marc Brackett has a great book on this issue called Permission to Feel.

 

[TAW122]

I'm burned out and tired so forgive me for not reading your post in full right now. I just wanted to say I definitely feel that if you choose to be happy that isn't happiness. That's selective belief/ignorance. Much like blind faith which is a gambling frame of mind in my opinion. Facts rule the world. There are no "alternative" facts. Facts are called facts becuase of the definition of the word. Much like truth. Facts are binary and so is truth and it is true that you cannot choose happiness in the face of true sadness.


I think the only circumstance in which you can "choose" happiness is in a round about way in which a certain path of action can lead you to being happy. In this instance you could be seen to be choosing happiness. You could also be choosing not to give up. I would be encouraging of this however I'm not sure this is what people mean when they use such platitudes. Some may but if they're professionals in a treatment scenario they should know better than being so generalised in their terminology and should be proactive in helping a person track the path to happiness rather than essentially throwing blame at a vulnerable person who may or may not understand the situation in full. Things are always much easier to analyze from the outside looking in.
In social or family based relationships these platitudes are just highly ignorant and harmful. I would urge anyone hearing these platitudes in these circumstances to choose selective deafness in line with the speakers selective ignorance. But I would urge anyone troubled by sadness and depression to consider whether there is a route to happiness in their specific case. I hope this addition/edit to my original post doesn't negate my initial sentiment as I stand by that and do know that the fact is, not everyone has the resources to be happy. I just emplore people to look for ways if they can because we don't know, what we don't know, right?! Like I know things now I couldn't fathom or imagine as a child. That said, that doesn't mean my child self was guilty of anything for that. They just hadn't had the experiences that were to follow.

Excellent post and good example of how social or family situations where the other party (or person) doesn't know the situation and wants to jump to conclusions to by presuming and assuming they know what is best (even if they are wrong). Also, not your edit didn't negate your initial sentiment and it makes perfect sense. Not everyone has the resources nor are their situations conducive towards happiness and things outside of their control can certainly affect their mood.

We don't choose our emotional states, but we do choose how we're going to respond to them. Anger, for example, can be a very helpful and constructive emotion for letting you know that your boundaries have been violated. Uncontrolled anger, however, is how valuable items get broken, relationships get destroyed, and someone gets injured. Marc Brackett has a great book on this issue called Permission to Feel.

This is true indeed, and my thread is mostly aimed at people who are ignorant to claim that one is fully in control of how they feel as well as how they should feel (it would be arrogant and out of place for other people to claim that). I agree with you that anger is a valuable (and even essential) emotion for people who protect themselves from harm. Also, yes any unchecked or uncontrolled emotions can lead to more harm than good.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Anger is righteous. It's a burning fire meant to eliminate threats. The modern world doesn't allow us free rein like the ancient world where one couldn't talk shit without serious consequences.

 

[TAW122]

Anger is righteous. It's a burning fire meant to eliminate threats. The modern world doesn't allow us free rein like the ancient world where one couldn't talk shit without serious consequences.

That is somewhat true, I think there are stricter social constructs in the ancient world (less about law and order, central government) and the stigma as well as social shame that one faces is more than enough for a lot of people. Additionally, in the ancient world, falling through the cracks and death was more prevalent due to the lack of modern medicine and other knowledge related to medicine as well as dangers (especially in the natural world). Nowadays, with how much the world is interconnected and intertwined, intervention and survivability is just too commonplace, like certain methods that once were very lethal just became less lethal and less reliable, but I digress.

 

[xinino]

I can't choice happiness, I just try to find things that make me forget about reality for moments, and I am grateful for them.

 

[Ambivalent1]

That is somewhat true, I think there are stricter social constructs in the ancient world (less about law and order, central government) and the stigma as well as social shame that one faces is more than enough for a lot of people. Additionally, in the ancient world, falling through the cracks and death was more prevalent due to the lack of modern medicine and other knowledge related to medicine as well as dangers (especially in the natural world). Nowadays, with how much the world is interconnected and intertwined, intervention and survivability is just too commonplace, like certain methods that once were very lethal just became less lethal and less reliable, but I digress.

I heard people often died on hunting trips by their fellows if they were misbehaving

 

[TAW122]

I can't choice happiness, I just try to find things that make me forget about reality for moments, and I am grateful for them.

Yeah, during the times when my life was tolerable or at least somewhat bearable, are due to fleeting copes and enjoyable moments, but ultimately I know that the existential dread and all the suffering that comes with it will come to an end. Hopefully on my own terms instead of outside forces or natural causes.

I heard people often died on hunting trips by their fellows if they were misbehaving

Yeah that wouldn't surprise me. Back in the ancient times before the rule of law was strong, social rule and tribal rule was what dictated what was allowed or not allowed and people who violate those (most likely unwritten) rules, end up with horrible consequences, which includes death.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

I think it's not wrong, but it's also fairly pavlovian to actually practice. You reward yourself for doing things that make you happy and find out that you end up doing more things that make you happy, and that includes basic shit like bathing and blabbity, I don't wanna push it too hard and I'm certainly not saying that this can solve your overall existential problems. Just that I've had some success

There's a lot of moving parts and another facet is just being emotionally mindful instead of totally overwhelmed and numb all the time--and I probed the brains of maybe dozens of nurses and psych nurses and a couple psychologists and psychiatrists and they did mine back, actually there's a case study on part of my therapy and somebody's accreditation in XYZ involves that and a few others--

All of that is my privilege, just to be clear, another facet of reality is that it costs money to receive care like that and I was lucky to be able to access it.

Anyway that's enough loose ends I think. Have a great day :)

 

[godawfulbuttmunch]

I've been force-fed this platitude many times before and it never made sense to me. These people clearly don't understand that emotions are involuntary responses to situations. Maybe they mean that you just have to change your situation, and thus "choose" to be happy? Not everyone can just do that, though.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I agree in so much as I think our initial emotional response to something is difficult to control. Especially if that circumstance is obviously bad. A death in the family, an argument with a friend, a health issue- whatever. After that, I suppose we can choose on whether to dwell on that thing. Whether we let it dictate the rest of our lives. Some things likely will though. It's hard to just ignore a deeply traumatic event or a current health problem. Really- I don't think it's healthy either. My Dad gets a bit funny when I grieve for lost loved ones. I guess because it might start him off but, I think it's more damaging to just repress all that stuff. It doesn't just go away. It lurks there under the surface. I think it's better to express all that.

I think it is possible to work at changing your frame of mind. I expect most people have tried at least initially to do it. I imagine most of us have gone through the route of: 'I'm really unhappy. What can I do to get myself out of this state?' Anything like therapy, medication, changes in lifestyle, exercise, healthier diet- they're all attempts to get us on a happier track.

Really though, I think the crux of it is- you need to really want it. It's not so much that I don't think it's possible. It's more that I think a lot of suicidal people no longer think it's worth the effort. The motivation simply isn't there anymore. Or- not to the extent it needs to be. I think ironically, 'choosing' or 'finding' happiness can quite often take a long route where you have to take on things you find frightening and actually contain within them, the possibility/ probability of making you feel worse!

If we look at behaviours that are considered unhealthy- isolation for example. Probably that person suffers from social anxiety. Plenty of people here are avoiding life, even the more pleasurable things in life because something about it probably scares them. So- the way to tackle that has to be to put that person in social situations. Hoping that in the long-run, they're anxieties will subside and they'll make friends. Initially though, all those anxieties will be massively heightened. They're vulnerable as it is and they're being thrown into a situation they find the most terrifying. Why would someone like that want to put themselves through that?!!

They would need to believe it would be worth it and the reality of it is- it may or may not be. Maybe they will find an amazing support network out there. Just as easily though, they could just end up with a bunch of 'fair weather friends' that they make the mistake of trusting- only to let them down. Or worse- they may find that indeed they were right and they can't seem to relate to others.

I think the thing for me is- people who aren't choosing things that might make them happy, aren't doing so for a reason. Maybe they don't think they've got the strength to do it. Maybe they've tried those things in the past and they haven't worked. Maybe they don't want to lower their expectations in life and continually challenge their own thinking. That can be exhausting.

I suspect a lot of suicidal people stick with melancholy because it's familiar. Because it doesn't set them on a rollercoaster of highs and lows. The crash after feeling happy can feel worse than feeling numb or averagely miserable all the time. I wouldn't say happiness is a very sustainable or stable emotion- unless that person's life is stable and sustainable. If that person is struggling, it probably isn't! Plus, I agree with 'Smart no more'- I question just how genuine a 'happiness' is when it is forced.

It's not that I don't think it's worth trying. I think- if any hope and impetus is there- go for it! It might work out. But, I don't think it's something we should be obliged to do and I don't think it's straight forward at all. Especially for people struggling with major problems in life.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Maybe it is, but I'd rather not have to be forced to make it.