The mental pain has to get really severe so that I get angry towards someone. I am pretty peaceful. But my dad pressured me to go to college.
I told him the last two days that I consider to quit. I barely can cope with the pain anymore. I am way way too ill for college. Last year I almost killed myself because of it. My mom is fine with me quitting college. And my dad just blamed my mom on the phone for beating me as a child. I told him it was his responsibility to stop her. And he looked away. It is such a cheap excuse. Instead he blames refugees for his failures. I called him a racist.
I am not feeling good. I am not feeling good. I barely sleep without addictive sleep medication. My anxiety climbs sky high. I have the feeling my brain is on fire.
I think the agony becomes so strong again that I develop love delusions. I fantasize that women were interested in/in love with me. I think it is a form of psychotic escapism. The reality is so hard to cope with that my brain escapes reality.
I start to wish getting caught for using AI because this would drive me over the edge (either of suicide or quitting college lol).
Tomorrow there will be my self-help group again. I have the feeling a woman there might be interested in me. I fantasized about it the whole week. The pain will be unimaginable if I realize this was a delusion. I think then I am quitting college.
I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel such a strong inner heat. There is a lot of tension. I am a nursing case and get money for it. Combined with welfare it might be enough to survive. I think I gonna kill myself if I continue college. It is unbelievable how much I deteriorated within these 5 weeks. And I barely can believe it that I endured this 5 semesters. I even went through a benzo withdrawal during this time.
I think the only two reasons I tried college was: my dad pressured me. And I think I had a better chance dating women (when I can say I attend college)
Tomorrow I will have my seminar. I will be a mental wreck as usual tormented with social anxiet (Barely can speak a word). Then I go home. Then I go to my self-help group. I really have such a strong desire to have a partner. And this woman sort of is my dream girl. Okay rationally I barely know her. But she had psychosis, was in the same clinic as me. Holy shit this is gonna hurt. I think my psychotic thinking is sort of influenced by wishful thinking.
I was paranoid in the group already with a woman. I think two women were actually interested in me though. But one time i was really paranoid. And when I realized it was a delusion it was insane. I ordered SN afterwards. The worst thing was she realized I had a love delusion and it felt like a narcissistic injury. It felt humiliating.
I told him the last two days that I consider to quit. I barely can cope with the pain anymore. I am way way too ill for college. Last year I almost killed myself because of it. My mom is fine with me quitting college. And my dad just blamed my mom on the phone for beating me as a child. I told him it was his responsibility to stop her. And he looked away. It is such a cheap excuse. Instead he blames refugees for his failures. I called him a racist.
I am not feeling good. I am not feeling good. I barely sleep without addictive sleep medication. My anxiety climbs sky high. I have the feeling my brain is on fire.
I think the agony becomes so strong again that I develop love delusions. I fantasize that women were interested in/in love with me. I think it is a form of psychotic escapism. The reality is so hard to cope with that my brain escapes reality.
I start to wish getting caught for using AI because this would drive me over the edge (either of suicide or quitting college lol).
Tomorrow there will be my self-help group again. I have the feeling a woman there might be interested in me. I fantasized about it the whole week. The pain will be unimaginable if I realize this was a delusion. I think then I am quitting college.
I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel such a strong inner heat. There is a lot of tension. I am a nursing case and get money for it. Combined with welfare it might be enough to survive. I think I gonna kill myself if I continue college. It is unbelievable how much I deteriorated within these 5 weeks. And I barely can believe it that I endured this 5 semesters. I even went through a benzo withdrawal during this time.
I think the only two reasons I tried college was: my dad pressured me. And I think I had a better chance dating women (when I can say I attend college)
Tomorrow I will have my seminar. I will be a mental wreck as usual tormented with social anxiet (Barely can speak a word). Then I go home. Then I go to my self-help group. I really have such a strong desire to have a partner. And this woman sort of is my dream girl. Okay rationally I barely know her. But she had psychosis, was in the same clinic as me. Holy shit this is gonna hurt. I think my psychotic thinking is sort of influenced by wishful thinking.
I was paranoid in the group already with a woman. I think two women were actually interested in me though. But one time i was really paranoid. And when I realized it was a delusion it was insane. I ordered SN afterwards. The worst thing was she realized I had a love delusion and it felt like a narcissistic injury. It felt humiliating.
