had a deeply unsettling dream and idk what to take from it

[viljalauss]

title.. i dreamed my bf ctb'd while i was still alive.

some elements of the dream were clearly unreal / would, if i weren't dreaming, be sure signs that it wasn't real and i shouldn't be alarmed - location suddenly changed over an unrealistic distance, things like that. but my reaction was real, i've known it before. i fell, screamed, curdled the clouds, i was a gut-wrenched kid hearing of my friend's death through the phone again. i ran for weights, i ran for deep water.

i never want that to come alive. ever. and while i technically can rationalise by pointing out i'd be dead before seeing anything that happened to him, 1) i don't. want anything to happen to him 2) who's to say if i attempt and fail he won't do the same and succeed? and even if he doesn't attempt, just the sheer psychological pain. i think i underestimate how much an attempt of mine would damage him even if i do unfortunately stay alive. not to mention how he would probably resent me for trying to leave after all his comfort and all his help, or just the idea that i had gone through with potentially leaving him to deal without me despite everything.

idk. point is i may be taking this as a sign to abandon trying to ctb, or at least trying to abandon it - i know it won't be immediate, i know it won't even be the best decision, and it may cause far, far more suffering than me ctbing. i don't know. the number of times he's had to properly reckon with the idea of losing me is already too much, and i haven't even attempted since meeting him. i'm scared, i'm so scared. i don't know what to do. maybe i will wait to hold him again (only a few days as of now) and go from there.

 

[DepressoExpresso19]

A dream is just a dream nothing more, just because you see a future in a dream doesn't mean its set to happen (well unless your anakin skywalker lol) I personally see dreams as a reflection of our subconscious so if him committing is so out of the question its really just another way of saying you dont wanna leave him yourself idk im just stretching. I don't want to shame you for feeling how you do (as I feel the same why else am i here lol) but yeah you committing and failing would definitely have an affect on him but even more if you commit and succeeded that would also probably fuck him up- If i was him id feel like i failed you and let you down and that would be a dark pit of self-loathing that i think anyone would struggle to get out off. I think you should take the dream as a sign you dont wanna lose him and open up to him more maybe idk how much youve disclosed about how you feel and yeah if you can try and calm your ctb thoughts and ride the wave for a bit. Yeah definitely wait till you see him and go from there. All the best :)

 

[viljalauss]

A dream is just a dream nothing more, just because you see a future in a dream doesn't mean its set to happen (well unless your anakin skywalker lol) I personally see dreams as a reflection of our subconscious so if him committing is so out of the question its really just another way of saying you dont wanna leave him yourself idk im just stretching. I don't want to shame you for feeling how you do (as I feel the same why else am i here lol) but yeah you committing and failing would definitely have an affect on him but even more if you commit and succeeded that would also probably fuck him up- If i was him id feel like i failed you and let you down and that would be a dark pit of self-loathing that i think anyone would struggle to get out off. I think you should take the dream as a sign you dont wanna lose him and open up to him more maybe idk how much youve disclosed about how you feel and yeah if you can try and calm your ctb thoughts and ride the wave for a bit. Yeah definitely wait till you see him and go from there. All the best :)

thank u sm for this. i will try and leave aside ctb thoughts for a while.

to answer your points: yeah, i sure hope it never happens, and the dream definitely took root in my own fear. i lowkey hate how it took reliving literal grief to fully internalise that i Probably should not ctb while my bf still loves me and thinks i'm a decent person but i guess at least it's finally happened :') while him committing does seem out of the question or at least very unlikely now (or maybe my mind is just blocking me from it because the thought is far more than i can handle. i'm now aware this is hypocritical) if i attempt, whether successfully or not, it might be a possibility. but yea the dream itself was more likely a manifestation of me not wanting to lose him.

your point of self-loathing is a really good one. like he already struggles with that enough and apparently i help? (it's really easy to affirm someone that they're perfect/kind/beautiful, etc. when. they are) and me leaving would mean not having that, along with this self-renewing spiral you mention which is, from personal experience, more than enough for a lifetime.

anyway, all that to say thank you for replying :) and i don't interpret this as shaming, though tbh i might have from someone railing anti-suicide panic at me / saying i should feel terrible for even considering it. makes a difference talking to people who can actually empathise with your position.

 

[DepressoExpresso19]

thank u sm for this. i will try and leave aside ctb thoughts for a while.

to answer your points: yeah, i sure hope it never happens, and the dream definitely took root in my own fear. i lowkey hate how it took reliving literal grief to fully internalise that i Probably should not ctb while my bf still loves me and thinks i'm a decent person but i guess at least it's finally happened :') while him committing does seem out of the question or at least very unlikely now (or maybe my mind is just blocking me from it because the thought is far more than i can handle. i'm now aware this is hypocritical) if i attempt, whether successfully or not, it might be a possibility. but yea the dream itself was more likely a manifestation of me not wanting to lose him.

your point of self-loathing is a really good one. like he already struggles with that enough and apparently i help? (it's really easy to affirm someone that they're perfect/kind/beautiful, etc. when. they are) and me leaving would mean not having that, along with this self-renewing spiral you mention which is, from personal experience, more than enough for a lifetime.

anyway, all that to say thank you for replying :) and i don't interpret this as shaming, though tbh i might have from someone railing anti-suicide panic at me / saying i should feel terrible for even considering it. makes a difference talking to people who can actually empathise with your position.

np im glad i could help in some way. Yeah im sure you really do help at least me for me when i had a gf it felt like i was a different person when i was with her like i was better because everything i didnt think i was or had she made sure to make me feel like i did, so he probably feels the same. Yeah i would never shame someone for being suicidal and the selfish point is also so ignorant imo as most ppl who have such a thought pattern often think theyre doing everyone a favour anyway- but im glad you realise ur not cuz ur bf loves you and wants to be with you- i hope leaving the ctb thoughts goes well for you and i hope you and him continue to have a good relationship. Ik its easier to express how you feel online due to anyonmity but as i said b4 try and express some of the thoughts you posted about to him and im sure he'd appreciate it and reciprocate in a way that would be benefical for both of you :)

All the best.

 

[waNt2d1e]

title.. i dreamed my bf ctb'd while i was still alive.

some elements of the dream were clearly unreal / would, if i weren't dreaming, be sure signs that it wasn't real and i shouldn't be alarmed - location suddenly changed over an unrealistic distance, things like that. but my reaction was real, i've known it before. i fell, screamed, curdled the clouds, i was a gut-wrenched kid hearing of my friend's death through the phone again. i ran for weights, i ran for deep water.

i never want that to come alive. ever. and while i technically can rationalise by pointing out i'd be dead before seeing anything that happened to him, 1) i don't. want anything to happen to him 2) who's to say if i attempt and fail he won't do the same and succeed? and even if he doesn't attempt, just the sheer psychological pain. i think i underestimate how much an attempt of mine would damage him even if i do unfortunately stay alive. not to mention how he would probably resent me for trying to leave after all his comfort and all his help, or just the idea that i had gone through with potentially leaving him to deal without me despite everything.

idk. point is i may be taking this as a sign to abandon trying to ctb, or at least trying to abandon it - i know it won't be immediate, i know it won't even be the best decision, and it may cause far, far more suffering than me ctbing. i don't know. the number of times he's had to properly reckon with the idea of losing me is already too much, and i haven't even attempted since meeting him. i'm scared, i'm so scared. i don't know what to do. maybe i will wait to hold him again (only a few days as of now) and go from there.

I have a recurring dream that I visit my late grandmother's house and find enough N to CTB. I take it, and am somehow floating around in the afterlife, and it feels like I'm carefree and untethered. I put it in the ai dream interpreter and it gave a scarily accurate interpretation.

That being said, I think I would die if I dreamed of my partner ctb-ing. He is everything to me. And yeah, I probably also underestimate how much my ctb will affect him.

 

[viljalauss]

I have a recurring dream that I visit my late grandmother's house and find enough N to CTB. I take it, and am somehow floating around in the afterlife, and it feels like I'm carefree and untethered. I put it in the ai dream interpreter and it gave a scarily accurate interpretation.

That being said, I think I would die if I dreamed of my partner ctb-ing. He is everything to me. And yeah, I probably also underestimate how much my ctb will affect him.

yea .. maybe it's just difficult to imagine how much you ctbing can affect someone, it took me literally being put through the experience to finally get it

and yea finding enough n sure sounds like a dream :') out of curiosity may i ask what the ai dream interpreter said?