lmao yeah that's all I have to say about this whole thing I'm about to write. I suck at responding to people I'm sorry but trust I'm trying to get better at it. I have no one to talk to anything about really, so this site is my best bet, even if it is just the same thing over and over a lot
so im still friends with my ex, same one I posted about a year ago LMAO. bad idea on my part, its been an odd relationship, it really has been. We broke up like a year and a half ago? Its gotten easier and I've stopped crying over her at some point and I don't miss the relationship but sometimes I still feel like I do? Like I'm supposed to miss it and I'm not really sure how to move on. It doesn't help how everytime we hangout at her house as of late it just ends up with us cuddling and sitting in silence. I'm not complaining and I know her one medication she's taking is just increasing her want for physical affection (not sharing what it is, that's her business fr) and I shouldn't take it personally and its just a friendship thing but sometimes I wonder what if yk? Part of me just wants to be wanted by someone, romantically. And sometimes she says things that just make me wonder. Soft and loving things, but I know our relation is odd because we used to date so I try not to take it too much to heart. You can be soft and loving with your friend, especially to the degree we know each other.
Im about to head out for school soon and she's been really upset at the fact I'm leaving, she's made it clear and I can only assume she's more upset than she's been letting on. She's happy for me, don't get me wrong. just sometimes I wonder. I want proper closure on her feelings for me before I leave and I'll get them, no matter how awkward the conversation is. Just right now I'll stay wondering. I don't want to hurt her and get with someone and turns out she was just waiting for me to make a move first or something. And I know that's stupid, she broke up with me , I don't owe her that. But, just incase. I cant help but be hopeful someone likes me in that sense. I don't really have many friends or people I really know in this area, so of course I want to cling onto the first person to truly be my friend and show romantic interests in me at some point. I grew up here and yet the isolation is killer. I've always been the odd one out. Hate small towns. I was born weirder than what most anyone knows what to do with. I have something wrong with me mentally and idk what. It feels like I was born with a sign on my back listing everything thats wrong with me and I cant get it off, no matter how normal I try to act.
I joke about killing myself in conversation with her. I know its not a great idea but its nothing she's not used to. I know my death would ruin her and I have no idea how to get her comfortable with the idea that maybe one day I really will give in because I cannot handle this anymore. Because I cannot handle this anymore. But part of me knows I can't go while still in a reality in which we're still friends. At the very least this close of friends. I know it's a bad idea and when I do it, it will cause her to feel worse but really Im at a loss. I can only hope we grow apart through the years much as it will pain us both
It hurts to write this, not emotionally but physically. I developed some wrist issues maybe like 2 years ago? They've been getting worse and it hurts all the time now. Compression gloves only do so much and doctors just tell me I'm too young to be having these issues. I am in pain almost constantly, even if its bearable it still hurts. I can't open jars anymore which I know is small and stupid but my family always gave me the jar because I could open it. I didn't need to use a butter knife to break the seal or bang it up against the counter. It hurts all the fucking time. I cant participate in my hobbies in the way I used to without my wrist swelling and being red and in pain.
I have so much more I want to say and elaborate on but it just isn't worth how much it hurts.
so im still friends with my ex, same one I posted about a year ago LMAO. bad idea on my part, its been an odd relationship, it really has been. We broke up like a year and a half ago? Its gotten easier and I've stopped crying over her at some point and I don't miss the relationship but sometimes I still feel like I do? Like I'm supposed to miss it and I'm not really sure how to move on. It doesn't help how everytime we hangout at her house as of late it just ends up with us cuddling and sitting in silence. I'm not complaining and I know her one medication she's taking is just increasing her want for physical affection (not sharing what it is, that's her business fr) and I shouldn't take it personally and its just a friendship thing but sometimes I wonder what if yk? Part of me just wants to be wanted by someone, romantically. And sometimes she says things that just make me wonder. Soft and loving things, but I know our relation is odd because we used to date so I try not to take it too much to heart. You can be soft and loving with your friend, especially to the degree we know each other.
Im about to head out for school soon and she's been really upset at the fact I'm leaving, she's made it clear and I can only assume she's more upset than she's been letting on. She's happy for me, don't get me wrong. just sometimes I wonder. I want proper closure on her feelings for me before I leave and I'll get them, no matter how awkward the conversation is. Just right now I'll stay wondering. I don't want to hurt her and get with someone and turns out she was just waiting for me to make a move first or something. And I know that's stupid, she broke up with me , I don't owe her that. But, just incase. I cant help but be hopeful someone likes me in that sense. I don't really have many friends or people I really know in this area, so of course I want to cling onto the first person to truly be my friend and show romantic interests in me at some point. I grew up here and yet the isolation is killer. I've always been the odd one out. Hate small towns. I was born weirder than what most anyone knows what to do with. I have something wrong with me mentally and idk what. It feels like I was born with a sign on my back listing everything thats wrong with me and I cant get it off, no matter how normal I try to act.
I joke about killing myself in conversation with her. I know its not a great idea but its nothing she's not used to. I know my death would ruin her and I have no idea how to get her comfortable with the idea that maybe one day I really will give in because I cannot handle this anymore. Because I cannot handle this anymore. But part of me knows I can't go while still in a reality in which we're still friends. At the very least this close of friends. I know it's a bad idea and when I do it, it will cause her to feel worse but really Im at a loss. I can only hope we grow apart through the years much as it will pain us both
It hurts to write this, not emotionally but physically. I developed some wrist issues maybe like 2 years ago? They've been getting worse and it hurts all the time now. Compression gloves only do so much and doctors just tell me I'm too young to be having these issues. I am in pain almost constantly, even if its bearable it still hurts. I can't open jars anymore which I know is small and stupid but my family always gave me the jar because I could open it. I didn't need to use a butter knife to break the seal or bang it up against the counter. It hurts all the fucking time. I cant participate in my hobbies in the way I used to without my wrist swelling and being red and in pain.
I have so much more I want to say and elaborate on but it just isn't worth how much it hurts.
