I'm so sorry that you are hurting as much as you are @DepressedAngel, it's evident that Tearygirl meant a great deal to you - and I suspect that she will to continue to hold a special place in your heart for as long as you are living. While what happened isn't your fault, I think it is natural to feel guilty. Perhaps one of the most difficult lessons in life to accept, is that there is no way for us to accurately predict the course one may take at any given point in time, nor can we control the actions of others. We may manipulate, encourage and coerce, but in the end the choice lies with the other. A lot of pain comes from expecting a certain outcome and believing that if we do something just right, then we will have the outcome we desire. But in some cases, this simply isn't so and it hurts. It really does.
I don't know if I will ever fully accept this fact for myself.
One of the first members I connected with on this forum has since CTB. She was a bright and remarkable young woman, but sadly she was blind to the light that was seen so clearly by others. Had circumstances been different, I would have loved to have had the opportunity to one day become friends. In a week, it will have been ~2 months, and even now there is this nagging ache that comes up whenever I see one of her old threads pop up in the "similar threads" section. I have no idea what she even looks like, but I play out what I imagine are her last moments in my head over and over. I can only hope that her last moments were peaceful and that in the end, even if it was just a farewell gift from the mind, that she was able to see her mother waiting to greet her.
It was so hard that I admit that I've tried to pull back a bit from people here. I don't want to become too attached though I find myself failing terribly and as presumptuous as it would be for me to make this assumption, I fear that there might be those who finds themselves caring for me too and I am so sorry. For this reason, I sometimes think about forgoing making a "Goodbye" thread, but then I wonder: would leaving the station without so much as a word be even more cruel? I don't know.
As terrible as it is, I don't reply to Goodbye threads anymore - at the most, if I catch them in time, I might send them a message in private - because I never know what to say and honestly sometimes it hurts so much that I worry about being able to hold myself together for them. Even though I really don't want anyone to die I cannot attempt to force them to behave as I would like...not in their last moments, it's not about me after all.
But enough about that. Please take good care of you @DepressedAngel and mourn for as long as you need. It won't be easy but I hope that you can at least be kind to yourself in these difficult times. It's okay to cry and to feel hurt because you've lost someone dear. There is never any shame in feeling what you feel.
