Venting Guilt

[moodrings]

I was going to kill myself after graduation. I haven't thought about my future other than that until recently. I want to create films. Though, i doubt that career path will go anywhere.

But it's still a path i'll take.

Because the idea of my friends and family reacting to my suicide is one i cannot bear. I do not want to hurt the people in my life.

I cant go out with the guilt of two things.

I'll be unhappy, I'll repeat everyday the same, never feeling secure in my own body or mind.

I will go on everyday with the knowledge no one will ever see me the way I want them to see me. The way I need them to see me.

I will live without the feelings of security or virtue, with the belief that i am the worst person on this planet.

But, isnt this enough? to be without consenting to?

 

[Cessation]

It's occurred to me that killing myself may end up making some of the people around me---all of whom exist solely in my periphery these days---nothing more than carbon copies of myself. This feeling/fear hurts a lot, since I really can't see a path forward apart from taking that final step.

But I just can't consign myself to a worthless, painful existence, which I have no hope of ever ameliorating.

It's like an unstoppable force and an immovable object, if that makes sense.