Venting Guilt over being suicidal

[sadidiot0328]

My friend had told me the other day he was proud of me for taking care of myself mentally and I became overcame with guilt. I haven't told anyone outside of here but I'm still suicidal. My friend would be destroyed if i committed suicide (we were in a pact together a couple years ago) but it doesnt make the thoughts go away. Theres my other friends and my mom who cares too. And I hate how I'm only alive for that reason alone. Sometimes I wish I had the power to wipe myself from everyone's memory so I could kms easily.

 

[DoubleUp8]

You can't help how you feel. There are many here that only thing that stops to them from attempting ctb is concern of others in their lives they don't want to hurt. Sometimes you may even wish you were a heinous criminal on death row that everyone hates and your death would only bring joy to everyone. I even think about people I don't know. I have thoughts like "what about the person that finds my dead body" I automatically exclude plans that would leave a bloody mess out of concern for the people who would need to clean it up. It's never going to be easy.
Ideally a drug od. No bloody mess. And if you don't leave any kind of note, nobody really knows if intentional ctb or accidentally or homicide.

 

[melonrazor]

I feel the same. I am beyond guilty to tell my parents that I still feel suicidal. They think I'm getting better because I'm going to school but to be honest, there's not a day where I don't wish I died