Venting Guilt- I’m putting my best friend through their worst trauma again

[l1ablemistakes]

Sorry for posting so much lately. I have a lot on my mind and I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this. Please tell me to shut up if I'm being annoying.

Yeah. So one of my best friends lost their best friend to suicide in 2020, before we met. I feel so insanely guilty that I'm going to put them through that again. I've held them as they cried over him.

We got high together last year when I was doing really bad and I admitted how I've been feeling. That I've been thinking of killing myself too. We both cried a lot and hugged and they begged me to stay. I told them I'm trying so hard and they are one of my biggest reasons to stay. The thought of hurting them like that makes me feel sick. I feel like a horrible person.

What makes it worse is I've selected the same method as their dead friend. I'm going to hang myself. I know this is going to shatter their world and I feel so insanely guilty about it. I just can't take it anymore. I've gone through all the motions and taken every step to get better. Materially there is nothing wrong with my life. I'm just depressed. Sometimes diseases are terminal and this feels like it for me. I've been dead set on this since about July last year but I've been passively suicidal for about 10, aka since I gained consciousness as a preteen.

I have learned from their friend's passing. They found out over Instagram. I won't let that happen. I'm going to message them before I do it so they don't have to find out through someone else. I'm going to tell them they can make the 'if I had a nickel…' joke. I hope they can laugh about it someday.

How do you deal with the guilt? How do you look at your best friend grieving and stomach that soon they'll be grieving over you? It's been 6 years and they still miss him so much.

 

[NameOfAction]

Hey, have you tried the big guns yet? Wellbutrine, Tricyclic antidepressants, Ketamine treatment, hell, ECT is on the table! Surely you're aware of many avenues you haven't ventured yet. Psychedelic are promising, if under-researched

You can always kill yourself, what is the rush here?

(I'm gonna cry like a bitch if you just fucking die)

 

[l1ablemistakes]

Hey, have you tried the big guns yet? Wellbutrine, Tricyclic antidepressants, Ketamine treatment, hell, ECT is on the table! Surely you're aware of many avenues you haven't ventured yet. Psychedelic are promising, if under-researched

You can always kill yourself, what is the rush here?

(I'm gonna cry like a bitch if you just fucking die)

I'm on venlafaxine now. Google antidepressants with worst side effects and see what comes up. I feel like I'm dying if I miss a dose.

It's not now but probably in 6 months when my lease is up. Itd be convenient for my flatmates. I feel like every time I procrastinate it, I only get worse, and I'm sick of that. I'm ready.

I'm 22 so I feel like most providers are reluctant to do anything drastic. I want more desperate measures so badly. My mental health issues are genetic and TMS mildly improved my grandma. I'd give it a shot if offered. The problem is I work full time. Anything more intensive would require time off that I'm not sure I can get. I've done ketamine and LSD recreationally in the hopes of some big revelation, but nothing. It's a huge catch-22. I was meant to do inpatient treatment at the end of last year to fix my meds but they denied me for being too high risk. I might try and reach out again but I really do feel like I've tried everything that won't destroy the life I've already built.

 

[NameOfAction]

I'm on venlafaxine now. Google antidepressants with worst side effects and see what comes up. I feel like I'm dying if I miss a dose.

It's not now but probably in 6 months when my lease is up. Itd be convenient for my flatmates. I feel like every time I procrastinate it, I only get worse, and I'm sick of that. I'm ready.

I'm 22 so I feel like most providers are reluctant to do anything drastic. I want more desperate measures so badly. My mental health issues are genetic and TMS mildly improved my grandma. I'd give it a shot if offered. The problem is I work full time. Anything more intensive would require time off that I'm not sure I can get. I've done ketamine and LSD recreationally in the hopes of some big revelation, but nothing. It's a huge catch-22. I was meant to do inpatient treatment at the end of last year to fix my meds but they denied me for being too high risk. I might try and reach out again but I really do feel like I've tried everything that won't destroy the life I've already built.

We're the same age. I'm about to try Venlafaxine after SSRIs failed. Maybe I should do Duloxetine instead.

Do you think hanging yourself is preferable to getting time off work?
What does it matter if treatment will disrupt your life(most likely temporarily)?

Hanging yourself will not only disrupt everything you've built and erase your very self, but also will forever taint your memory in the eyes of those left behind.

It's a bit like hearing "get down!" in a shooting scenario and not dropping to the ground because it'll dirty your clothes. They're nice clothes! It'll ruin them! As if bullet holes and blood won't

 

[l1ablemistakes]

We're the same age. I'm about to try Venlafaxine after SSRIs failed. Maybe I should do Duloxetine instead.

Do you think hanging yourself is preferable to getting time off work?
What does it matter if treatment will disrupt your life(most likely temporarily)?

Hanging yourself will not only disrupt everything you've built and erase your very self, but also will forever taint your memory in the eyes of those left behind.

It's a bit like hearing "get down!" in a shooting scenario and not dropping to the ground because it'll dirty your clothes. They're nice clothes! It'll ruin them! As if bullet holes and blood won't

I honestly can't say anything kind about venlafaxine, but I truly do hope it works for you. If you're better at remembering your meds than me you'll probably have a much better time.

I think I've reached the point where I don't want to get better. I've felt so shit for so long that I genuinely cant imagine feeling peace permanently. I think hanging is a peaceful and swift exit. I'd rather be at work than in a psych ward. I love my job and I find it rewarding. Funnily enough I'm actually a healthcare worker in ED. I see myself in my patients and I always treat them the way I wish someone would take care of me.

I know I'm going to ruin everyone's view of me. Especially if I'm found and taken into hospital (aka my literal job). I try not to think about it. I've been drafting my letters for almost a year and I think I've managed to articulate myself.

In some sick way, I think this is the only thing I can do to make people actually understand me. We see depressed patients all the time. I'd say for one shift in ED, I'd see 2 attempts, 2 patients in psychosis, and 1-2 voluntary admissions for ideation. A quarter of people are depressed. How many people kill themselves? How many people take it that far?

I think I am one of those people. I want to be.

 

[NameOfAction]

I honestly can't say anything kind about venlafaxine, but I truly do hope it works for you. If you're better at remembering your meds than me you'll probably have a much better time.

I think I've reached the point where I don't want to get better. I've felt so shit for so long that I genuinely cant imagine feeling peace permanently. I think hanging is a peaceful and swift exit. I'd rather be at work than in a psych ward. I love my job and I find it rewarding. Funnily enough I'm actually a healthcare worker in ED. I see myself in my patients and I always treat them the way I wish someone would take care of me.

I know I'm going to ruin everyone's view of me. Especially if I'm found and taken into hospital (aka my literal job). I try not to think about it. I've been drafting my letters for almost a year and I think I've managed to articulate myself.

In some sick way, I think this is the only thing I can do to make people actually understand me. We see depressed patients all the time. A quarter of people are depressed. How many people kill themselves? How many people take it that far?

I think I am one of those people. I want to be.

Dude... (Gender neutral)

Permanent peace isn't really an option for humans. Hell, for anyone. Peace just isn't something that lasts very long.

I get it. I do. But fuck I hate it when other people feel that way. You deserve better. You deserve to have some fight left in you.

I am glad your job brings you fulfilment. Can't you work for longer? Medical careers are usually at least 10-20 years of practice.. Would it be nice to have that at least?

 

[l1ablemistakes]

Dude... (Gender neutral)

Permanent peace isn't really an option for humans. Hell, for anyone. Peace just isn't something that lasts very long.

I get it. I do. But fuck I hate it when other people feel that way. You deserve better. You deserve to have some fight left in you.

I am glad your job brings you fulfilment. Can't you work for longer? Medical careers are usually at least 10-20 years of practice.. Would it be nice to have that at least?

(Female for future reference but I'm so lost even that might change)

I hate that there are people who understand me but thank you for replying anyway. I guess we all deserve better.

I only just graduated, end of 2025. I'm barely even settled into my new job, yet I know it's perfect. I've been giving it longer for 10 years, during which time I've usually been the patient. I used to want to be a doctor but I've given up on that. I take X-rays and I'm happy with my life. From here my career pretty much stagnates. Unless I wanna go into leadership (I do not) I'm pretty much already done.

I guess I just wanted to wait to see if this job would make a difference. I was so hopeful.

 

[NameOfAction]

(Female for future reference but I'm so lost even that might change)

I hate that there are people who understand me but thank you for replying anyway. I guess we all deserve better.

I only just graduated, end of 2025. I'm barely even settled into my new job, yet I know it's perfect. I've been giving it longer for 10 years, during which time I've usually been the patient. I used to want to be a doctor but I've given up on that. I take X-rays and I'm happy with my life. From here my career pretty much stagnates. Unless I wanna go into leadership (I do not) I'm pretty much already done.

I guess I just wanted to wait to see if this job would make a difference. I was so hopeful.

Have you thought about paramedicine? Bit of adrenaline to top up the gradification of helping people. And in many countries it's not very dificult to begin qualifying and they send you out pretty soon as a driver and aid

 

[l1ablemistakes]

Have you though about paramedicine? Bit of adrenaline to top up the gradification of helping people. And in many countries it's not very dificult to begin qualifying and they send you out pretty soon as a driver and aid

I just finished a 4 year bachelors with honours. Paramed would be another 3 years full time, maybe less with credits. Genuinely, my job isnt the issue. It's perfect for me.