Venting Guilt - I almost feel like a murderer

[Alfwynn]

Not only is suicide difficult to pull off technically, but there is a lot of baggage to deal with as I'm just starting to plan it all out.

My family has actually already had one suicide in it. My sibling was successful back in 2020, and it blindsided my family. Ever since then, my father has been extremely protective over me, and he's constantly worried that I'm trying to off myself. Every time my father makes a big deal out of me, or worries if I'll be okay, I feel a prick of guilt. I almost feel jealous that they beat me to the punch, because maybe if they hadn't already lost one child, I'd have a much easier time doing this.

I have disconnected emotionally from my family from a young age, because my sibling actually caused a rift where we all isolated ourselves in our rooms for years. I don't feel nearly as connected to my family as any of my friends, or even most strangers I've heard talk about theirs. I mostly just hug my parents and say "I love you" and such because I know that is what they want, and I feel bad for them much in the same way one would any human being.

I feel extremely bad for them; I know they've already lost one child, and I watched it nearly tear them apart. Now I, someone else they care about more than anything else, am on the verge of doing the same. I feel like in taking my own life, I'll be taking another child away from them. This is just another one of the many difficulties on the journey to peace, I feel.

Can anyone else relate? If so, how do you manage? Thank you for reading!

 

[Akaraine]

For my case, even though my parents are toxic, I don't have a bad relationship with my family. But sometimes I feel like they ignore me. Since I have high social anxiety, I really don't wanna go out. Even my dad onetime said, " Whether I exist or not, it doesn't matter." My sister also said about me when I did not take her errand that, "I don't have a brother." It's very fascinating that their words are sharp as knive and at the same time non-serious. So basically if I leave this world, it wouldn't matter to me. I really don't care about much because if I were to kill myself or if I were to die by an accident, they would cry. It's just that people get over from their sadness and forget about the people they once loved. Their loved ones gets replaced with another.

 

[uzuf86]

Another guilty idiot saying hi - I've made wrong decisions and did wrong things all my life. If I look back, that is all I can remember. There was no one to tell me or advise me about it and even god screwed me over very hard. My guilt, coupled with my mental illness has turned into my killer now.

Maybe my life was designed to be that way. Maybe I was never meant to live a full life actually. Of all things considered, ctb seems to be the only way out to me.