Venting Guilt from knowing im going to hurt the people around me after i CTB

[restingplace]

9 days left before I CTB, things feel surreal. I think I've been hiding it better but im seriously losing my mind at the moment. I don't know If I'll be able to do it this month, my friends already worry about it, im mean to be seeing my long distance girlfriend of almost 5 years in May (our anniversary is on the 24th which means I'm also missing out on that) and I'm pretty sure my mother is also suicidal or atleast depressed right now, I know my father is but i don't see him often. The guilt has never felt that bad, I really don't know what to do with myself

 

[rottenflesh]

honestly i dont care about hurting others like family but my girl... oh lord i wont forgive myself for making her cry begging me not to kill myself

 

[Gonnerr]

Me too , but i dont want to suffer and agonize the rest of my life for them.

I would understand if it was somebody close to me.

 

[restingplace]

I completely understand you, my best friend and I have talked about it a lot and hearing him cry over it was one of the most painful things I've had to hear

 

[Neller]

9 days left before I CTB, things feel surreal. I think I've been hiding it better but im seriously losing my mind at the moment. I don't know If I'll be able to do it this month, my friends already worry about it, im mean to be seeing my long distance girlfriend of almost 5 years in May (our anniversary is on the 24th which means I'm also missing out on that) and I'm pretty sure my mother is also suicidal or atleast depressed right now, I know my father is but i don't see him often. The guilt has never felt that bad, I really don't know what to do with myself

Like most people I deeply hate guilt. I want to leave with at least some sense of integrity. I want to at least ease the burden of those I leave behind. I have made a long detailed list of things I feel the need to do before I CTB. Arrange it so that my bank account transfers to my sister immediately upon my death. Probably create a revocable living trust to avoid any probate or stupid red tape. There are free online forms for that though the document must be on paper, signed and witnessed by 2 people here in California. Sign title of my car over to my sister. I also think I should go ahead and prepay for my own cremation. Funeral arrangements and exorbitant costs prey upon people who are already grieving. I need to make it clear to those people in my life that I do not wish to have a funeral. Just small group of my closest old friends perhaps get together for a dinner in order to provide closure. I moved nearly 8 years ago and have not seen any of my old friends since then. These are just a few of the detailed tasks. Also think I should pick out my most meaningful possessions and indicate to whom they should go. I feel I should complete before I CTB. Just realized I failed to mention above the thing of most importance. Over the last 20 years I have promised each of my dogs that I would never ever leave them. I have never broken that promised but circumstances are more urgent now and I can't delay much longer. My constant companion is my small dog Ivan. If circumstances were different I would hold on and care for him until I was confident he was ready to pass. But as it is the decision is not 100% clear. He will or would be 16 years old in July. I simply cannot tolerate the thought of him languishing in some shelter with little chance of adoption due to his age and various minor ailments. So I feel forced to have him euthanized and that will be a difficult or deal for me.
Suicide will end my suffering. But in the meantime trying to set all my affairs in order is so burdensome I seem truly paralyzed and unable to even start what I feel are necessary tasks.

 

[theboy]

me 2