Venting growing up ugly has seriously ruined me

[ultraviolence]

I grew up ugly and got acne really young, in fifth grade. I was bullied in middle school and it was really bad I would have boys tell me their friends had a crush on me as a joke. I started to become okay-looking looking the second half of 7th grade and became "conventionally attractive" in 10th grade. But even then, I was ugly, you know? I really fucking hate having a body and a face. I look okay in the mirror but hideous in photos and it makes me wanna die. I have no idea what I look like.

Honestly, I think I could be sorta pretty if I wasn't so severely depressed (acne from lack of self-care, bad hygiene, no sleep showing up in my face) so I just dropped $50 on some more skin care and will spend more money on clothes. I love retail therapy, man...

So, I went to an anime convention in cosplay for the first time ever this month and these girls came up to me and asked if they could take a picture of me. I was so shocked and stuttered because I had never been asked that before. I was visibly insecure with my reluctant mannerisms and they picked up on it. I think I said I don't take pictures or I don't like pictures and then asked for a moment to fix my wig and they said, "Oh my god but why? You're so pretty!!" and I replied back "Really?" and they were so so nice to me and then I felt so pathetic because I was so insecure and had no self-confidence at all. I will always feel like the awkward, ugly, and acne-ridden 12-year-old girl getting bullied. At the ENTIRE convention every 5 minutes I would look into my phone to check my makeup and wig and fix it. It was so exhausting being so obsessed with my looks not even in the vain way but in the pathetic low self-esteem way. I wish I knew what I looked like and that I had confidence in myself. I still feel like they're lying to me. I never believe any compliments.

This profound disbelief in my own attractiveness is probably why I seek out so much male validation... which is also bad because even then I don't believe they really like me so I get obsessive and come off too strong to make them like me since I don't think I'm pretty enough for that to keep them around and then it scares them all away. If I just had confidence in myself I wouldn't be so pathetic and embarrass myself so much.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I can empathise. I was an ugly kid, too. I've found that it gets better, as you get older. Getting insulted for my big head and ears did piss me off though and even made me violent.

 

[pyroxenic]

Kids look awkward anyways, and other kids can be major assholes that give severe consequances on their victims.

At the same time, i am 100% sure you dont look remotely anything like your kid self that was "ugly". If the genuine compliments you get dont prove that. Even if you are still depressed and deeply insecure your hard work to take care of your looks payed off. You may never be able to shake off this deep belief thats in you, but i hope you may be some day be more at ease with yoursslf. I am sure you are pretty now as the girls have said also.

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

It's a shame how other people can make us feel. It's even worse how a lot of times the younger we get told such things the more it sticks with us and we believe it.

Although thankfully there's people like those girls who will make those insecurities and beliefs go away for a bit.