Venting Grieving Family Loss

[Imeavie]

Im not sure if this is the right area for this, but I'm not sure about the others either. Its not about recovery, or suicide, and not off topic either.
I'm sorry if this is wrong.

I was raised in an abusive home, and someone who was there since I was two yrs old has always been there to help me. She was always so capable, so intelligent, she knew something about everything. She knew I wasn't allowed to have a childhood, thats I was basically Cinderella a slave to my mother, and sisters. So she always tried to let me have one with her whenever she could.

Now she is expected to die anytime now. She cant eat, she cant sleep, she can hardly talk. She cant even sit up without someone holding her up the entire time. She survived two cancers relatively recently. She was doing so well. Now she had to ask someone who I fucking was. The list goes on but I dont have the strength to waste your time with it.

I don't know how Im supposed to live without someone who was more of a mother than my real one. I want to go back in time, and have one more long conversation again. Now I will never have one again.

Im not going to ctb only because my grandparents need me around, and I cant pay them back by destroying them.

Ive been doing well on my medicine despite the panic of losing my hair from it. Ive been doing doing better since finding this community.

Now I feel trapped in my body with no escape.
Unable to live, not allowed to die.

I cant tell her this without making her worse, so I have to settle saying it here so it exists somewhere in the universe. I love you so much carol. I appreciate everything you ever did for me, and I'm so happy I spent your final birthday with you. Thank you for helping me stay alive for 29 years. I would have ctb at 8 if not for you.

My life was better, I was a better person for having you in it. Thank you. I love you.

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. Wishing your loved one peace and comfort in the time they have left and beyond.

 

[whywere]

I cried reading this, as it broke not only my heart by me into so many pieces.

The one thing that I will say from experience is this, the person would want you to have a wonderful and joyous life and one of the best ways to honor that soul for eternity, is to be and do the best for you and others that you can. What an honor to that person, as everyday kindness and love will happen to/for you and others that you bring into your sphere

Back in March 1982, my best friend EVER drown, it still hurts like heavens yet, BUT since then I really amped up trying to do not only the right thing but helping others and I 100% believe that he is looking down from Heaven at me with a huge smile and thumbs up.

Always keep the person close to your heart and the love and caring of that soul WILL help you so much in life. You might not ever realize it, BUT there will ALWAYS be a guiding hand alongside you.

There is so much that humans and the human experience does not understand, (maybe for the better) and this is one where you will always have a angel beside you for your entire life, believe it, I know I do. My friend is always around. always. He might have died physically BUT his spirit is always with me and your will be with you too.

Lots of HUGE hugs, love and very caring thoughts.

Walter

 

[wantingdignity]

I am not sure how capable she currently is of understanding, but I don't think it would make her worse for you to tell her how you feel, depending on how you do it. You could tell her that she helped you greatly, you still struggle with it, and you are so grateful that you were able to get to know her. It is up to you and how well you think she'd be currently able to understand. I think there's a chance that she might already know more than you'd think, if she's in the state of mind to remember it. A lot of people who are sick like having the chance to do something for someone else too. It gives them a sense of purpose when their lives are out of their hands.

It sounds like she might not be able to fully hear and respond, but maybe a simple, "I was struggling so much. You really, really helped me more than you know. I'm still struggling. I'm so glad that we had the time together that we had."

I'm so, so sorry that this is happening to you.

 

[The Actual Devil]

I'm not exactly an authority on it, but I feel you've made a good choice posting on this side. You are, after all, recovering from a loss, if nothing else. And you may find Recovery material useful for bereavement.
Losing a proper role model and childhood caretaker often brings a new perspective. You can find yourself feeling even more like an adult than ever before, no matter what age it happens at. It's that safe space she made for you. That's why it's so important to take care of yourself right now, even when your thoughts are with her. Please be as kind and considerate to yourself as she once was. I'm sure there's at least a part of her that would appreciate your efforts, even if she isn't able to articulate or even be fully cognizant of it.

 

[Imeavie]

Update: We thought she was going to go any minute today, she declined a lot overnight. I screamed, cried, and got everything out of my system before I arrived to see her possibly for the last time.

I was able to stay calm enough to tell her without being hysterical. I couldn't live without telling her.

It still feels like a dream I cant wake up from.
I feel like I will wake up and it will all be another psychotic episode, and she will be drinking her coffee and smoking a cigarette outside talking to the bees again.

In the end Im just grateful I didn't miss my only chance to tell her. Thank you everyone for your support.

 

[The Actual Devil]

I was able to stay calm enough to tell her

I am very proud of you. I like to think we all are. Sending you well-wishes in your time of grieving.

 

[Imeavie]

She passed in her sleep after seeing everyone one last time.

She seemed like she was dying, so everyone came over, I came over to tell her what I should have my entire life. The second we came over she suddenly was a lot better (not great).

The next morning she died in her sleep.

My reactions weren't/arent pretty.
The world feels so empty without her here to guide me.

Im so thankful I got to see her on her last day.

 

[JoysoftheEmptiness]

Im not sure if this is the right area for this, but I'm not sure about the others either. Its not about recovery, or suicide, and not off topic either.
I'm sorry if this is wrong.

I was raised in an abusive home, and someone who was there since I was two yrs old has always been there to help me. She was always so capable, so intelligent, she knew something about everything. She knew I wasn't allowed to have a childhood, thats I was basically Cinderella a slave to my mother, and sisters. So she always tried to let me have one with her whenever she could.

Now she is expected to die anytime now. She cant eat, she cant sleep, she can hardly talk. She cant even sit up without someone holding her up the entire time. She survived two cancers relatively recently. She was doing so well. Now she had to ask someone who I fucking was. The list goes on but I dont have the strength to waste your time with it.

I don't know how Im supposed to live without someone who was more of a mother than my real one. I want to go back in time, and have one more long conversation again. Now I will never have one again.

Im not going to ctb only because my grandparents need me around, and I cant pay them back by destroying them.

Ive been doing well on my medicine despite the panic of losing my hair from it. Ive been doing doing better since finding this community.

Now I feel trapped in my body with no escape.
Unable to live, not allowed to die.

I cant tell her this without making her worse, so I have to settle saying it here so it exists somewhere in the universe. I love you so much carol. I appreciate everything you ever did for me, and I'm so happy I spent your final birthday with you. Thank you for helping me stay alive for 29 years. I would have ctb at 8 if not for you.

My life was better, I was a better person for having you in it. Thank you. I love you.

So sorry for what you are going through. I'm still mourning my best friend who passed away last September, life can be very painful Please take care, there's a lot of good people here.

 

[alwaysalone]

So sorry you lost someone you love

 

[The Actual Devil]

I'm so very sorry for your loss, Imeavie. Grieve as much as you need: it is rarely pretty, and this is normal. You can talk about this as much as you want. We're here to listen.

 

[whywere]

My heart and soul go out to you in your time of grief.

Please try and remember that she will always be with you in spirit, and when you feel a warm glow, it will be her reminding you of the infinite aspect of love and kindness that transcends time.

I had my best friend die in March 1982 and he is and always be with me and I hope and pray the same love and togetherness for you.

Lots of hugs, love and the knowledge that you are NEVER EVER alone, and we are family here always.

Walter

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Imeavie]

Thank you everyone for your support.
The celebration of her life is the 25th, and we are having a gathering of friends tomorrow (everyone who knew her gathers to share our memories of her).

Ive been wanting to change my writing style of my poems, and to write about more than just my sorrows.
I decided to finally make that happen. Im going to show the world how important she was, how much she meant to everyone who knew her.

I think she would be happy to see me moving forward in my life.

 

[The Actual Devil]

Thank you everyone for your support.
The celebration of her life is the 25th, and we are having a gathering of friends tomorrow (everyone who knew her gathers to share our memories of her).

Ive been wanting to change my writing style of my poems, and to write about more than just my sorrows.
I decided to finally make that happen. Im going to show the world how important she was, how much she meant to everyone who knew her.

Will you try to write some poetry or another eulogizing piece to share at the event? I'm sure you would honor her very beautifully if so.

I think she would be happy to see me moving forward in my life.

I'm glad to hear this! Does this mean your thoughts of CTB have cleared away? At least somewhat?

 

[Imeavie]

Tomorrow is the funeral.
I have spent all week struggling to find the words to express 27 years of love.
Forgive the formatting. I wrote this with a method that will help me read out loud. I dont have the strength to edit it just for this post. My hands already struggle with my disability.

• Carol was the best of us
• 
  
• I would like to tell everyone here, and everyone in this world, every blessing that was, is, and always shall be Carol Foley.
• 
  
• However, I've spent the last 27 years learning who she was, and how she changed the world around her, and I'm still learning more every day after.
• So in respect of the time of everyone here, I will instead tell you who she was to me.
• .
• Carol was family, not one I was born with, but one who chose to be in my life.
• Family as I have come to learn is not determined by blood, but by choice, and action.
• .
• Carol was always willing to listen, and only said what she believed needed to be said.
• I will always cherish our long conversations over her coffee, and cigarettes outside on the patio.
• .
• Carol was for me, a guiding light, always helping me to see the joy in life, even when I at times thought there was none left.
• .
• Carol was so much more to me than these few words.
• She was 27 years of memories, of happiness, of love.
• .
• I didn't know how to end this.
• How to stop sharing how much she means to me.
• So I will bring this to a close with a message for Carol herself.
• .
• Carol, thank you for everything you have given me.
• Thank you for a lifetime of happiness.
• My memories of you have guided me, giving me strength to endure even these difficult moments.
• 
  
• Thank you for raising a son who became my only brother, and made my life worth living.
• 
  
• I always have, and always will love you.
• 
  
• It is time for me to say the words I haven't been strong enough to say until now.
• 
  
• Farewell Carol, I hope you found heaven you saw in the dream you shared with me.

 

[Imeavie]

I thought my words were not enough, that I fell short of conveying how important she was to me.
I have always excelled at presentations, speeches, etc. I even took public speaking in college. I thought even if my words were not enough, I would show my respect through a proper delivery.

I held myself strong, kept my tears inside, and stayed calm during the first half of the service. Then when I got in front of everyone, and started to read, I faltered. I couldn't look at anyone, I couldn't stop myself from crying, from stumbling over my words. I felt as though I failed her.

After the service, everyone came by each family member giving us their condolences. So many people told me how highly they thought of my message. After hearing so many people who I didn't even know, and a few I did all tell me the same thing, I realized that I did right by Carol. My words reached every person there, and showed them how strongly she affected the world around her.

I have found my closure now that I have said farewell.
I said everything I needed to tell her on her deathbed, and we as a family have told the world how important she was afterwards.

Thank you all for your support here as well.

____________________

This thread has served its purpose, and has been more help than anyone can imagine. Part of my strength has came from this community.

There may be future posts here, positive ones about how we are healing, and maybe even memories about her. I would like to share with everyone a little of who she was. These posts will likely not be for support anymore, but I am not ready to pack everything up yet. I am not expecting anyone to keep up with this, I am selfishly doing this for myself.

 

[The Actual Devil]

I'm happy you found closure. It makes sense that your emotional state added to your words instead of detracted.

And most of all, I'm sure Carol would be proud.

 

[Imeavie]

My first positive poem, written in a new style.
I am posting a picture from my website, and the poem in text format as well.

You are a river
Returned to the sea
A summer apple
Enjoyed in Autumn

Cherished memory of love
A legacy of faith
Bearer of burdens
Giver of strength

You were the bird
That spoke with the bee
A sun who shined
On the truth
Of Who we could be

Edit: For Context, Carol loved birds. Her sister said as a child she once stood for 40 minutes with her arm outstretched holding a handful of bird seed until a bird she was watching came to her.

During my teen years she had this one bee that greeted her everyday during her morning coffee outside. It wouldn't leave until she told it hello.

 

[Imeavie]

Carol would collect salt and pepper shakers. She had around 100 unique sets. She used to rotate through them all. In her memory the family each took 1 pair. Some few were domated afterwards to her church.


She kept salt and pepper in every single one because if they're empty then they're just knick knacks. She did not like knick knacks.


I chose these ones because she always had Entenmann's doughnuts (or coffee cake), and a cup of coffee 24/7. Waffle house was her favorite coffee.

 

[The Actual Devil]

I really enjoyed your new poem. It is a touching epitaph of her memory.
And it's nice you have something both decorative and functional to keep around.
On a related note, I've read about half the poetry on your website, and you really do have a knack for it.
Keep up the good work. And we're sending you hugs during your grieving process.

 

[Imeavie]

On a related note, I've read about half the poetry on your website, and you really do have a knack for it.
Keep up the good work.

Thank you for taking the time to do that.
I have written a majority of them during depressive-psychotic episodes.

Carols poem was my first step to changing that. The first one I sat down, and put actual effort into a new style of writing.

 

[Imeavie]

Carol once had her own poem published
She had a copy of the book she kept her whole life
There really was nothing she couldn't do

 

[gottacheckout]

You are a beautiful tribute to her by continuing her love of poetry

 

[bankai]

If she could see your love for her she would be so happy and proud. But I'm sure she knew.

This is a wonderful tribute to her

 

[Imeavie]

As a family we three are all doing better these days.
We have gone through her belongings (a difficult process) together as a family last week.

Having my adopted brother and sister coming together as a family to mourn has been wonderful.
My biological family has never been supportive emotionally, and hasn't been during this either.
This is my first time not grieving, or healing alone.

We waited until all three of us had the strength, and we did it together. We relived memories, saw how much she cared about us, laughed over her many odd quirks (even the frustrating ones).

We found a Bible with highlights, the one closest to her has kept it so he can read them, and feel closer to her. There was also a steak knife in the Bible like a bookmark, no idea why, but it was a laugh.

Nothing was thrown away that was usable.
Clothes not being kept are being donated, and damaged ones I will be donating to a charity that makes blankets for women/children.

There are days it doesn't feel real, I swear she is in her room, and I'm waiting to talk to her again.
There are days I still cry, but they are further apart.

I once again am grateful for the support of everyone here, you truly have made this a lot easier.

 

[Imeavie]

Now that the positive has been covered,
I have had more unfortunate news.

Shortly after her funeral, my dad had a stroke.
He has lost feeling in his entire right side except for tingling, and pain.

He overheats all the time, can't work, can hardly walk short distances without passing out, and has trouble with his arm/hand.

So far he hasn't improved despite the time that's passed. He seems on the surface to handle it well, keeping his humor (saying he needs rims on his Walmart wheelchair to pick up women).


However I can see through the cracks.
It's killing him, but he has the strongest willpower I have ever seen, always has.

He was a very capable person, walked himself into a hospital with a broken spine once.
So it's hard for him to lose so much, and I've been trying to help him. I constantly demand he picks me up to do the yard work he can't (despite my disability).

I see him at least once a week to help him get out, and go somewhere without it being about something stressful.

He does seem to find more excuses these days to see me. I think I'm one of the few people he can be at ease around, and after losing Carol, I'm cherishing the time with him.
___

This man kept me off drugs, he is the sole reason I have abstained despite my heavy exposure to many kinds outside my home.

He is half the reason I survived my childhood with my mother, and sisters.

All this, and he is my step-dad who chose to raise me my entire life when he didn't have to.

I also wanted to share one memory with you, so you can know the kind of dad he has been for me.

We came home one winter night when I was about 8 years old to see our front door was left open. My iguana had gotten out, and died 3 feet from the porch due to the cold. I was upset to put it mildly.

He gave my iguana CPR/mouth to mouth resuscitation until it came back to life.

He could have told me it was an accident, tried to comfort me even, but instead he rushed to it like it was his child. He did that for me.

Also the iguana was in love with him after that.
I guess my dad was it's first kiss.

 

[Ch4in3dcr0w]

Im so sorry to hear about your dad it has for sure taken a tool on you and it just sucks how life has been for you this year. He sounds like an amazing person that no wonder the iguana fell in love with him. Cherish all the moments u have with him u are amazing for how u handled the whole situation and for what u have been doing it for him. Much love to you and your dad and hope both of u will make more happy memories with each other