Discussion Got TOO close today

[IHurtTheOneILove]

Got really close to ending it with partial hanging this morning. Everything went well and everything started to go quiet. SI kicked in because I shot up to undo the tie and started sobbing uncontrollably. I'm supposed to be starting therapy on Saturday where I'll most likely be prescribed meds. The remorse I feel for what I did is immeasurable and I'm not sure how to ever move past it. I'm gonna give it about a year or two to try and get better. Who knows that could turn into 3, 4, 50+, but for now, I'm putting a loose expiration date on myself.

In the past 4 days I've tried to kill myself 4 times. Before this I was cutting, having suicidal thoughts, and dealing with really bad depression but never full-blown CTB attempts. I want to get better but at the same time the thought of recovering from this is too terrifying as for all I know I'll end up hopped up on Zoloft being tricked into thinking I'm alright.

Everyone I tell about my situation says I fucked up but people have done way worse. I have time to become a better person for future partners I just don't know if I have the mental strength to overcome the underlying issues present.

What do you think?

 

[Mayonaise]

I'm really sorry you have to deal with such tremendous amount of pain.
The sobbing and remorse are completely natural: you were in pain, you tried to stop the pain by doing something that is against the human instinct, and realized that there may be other solutions. Nothing more.
Suicidal behavior and feelings of guilt/remorse are common in clinical depression. You struggle, it's not your fault. Millions of us do.
You did seek help though, and that's great. Believe me, antidepressants will not turn you into a "happy zombie", your personality and tastes won't change. There may be side-effects but many people never had them.
I think you must go for it. Try meds, try psychotherapy, just fucking try. You're always in time to kill yourself next month or next year.
But please, give recovery a chance. You owe it to yourself.
Lots of love to you