Story Got amazing news yet i still want to ctb

[capi]

So i got news surrounding my uni and scholarship.
I thought i lost everything because of my ptsd and gave up on everything; but it turns out my scholarships are still viable and i was able to relocate to an even better uni, in a twist of fate and weird exceptions (my head hurts), and i get to have a year long leave.
So I get to run away from my past, money worry free, and a break to just relax. I even have opportunities opened up to travel across the country and do volunteer work, and i got a new car with help from my family.

But i just want to die. I just dont want to do anything at all. I dont care about it. My mind is honestly all over the place right now. If I traveled, im probably going to go to sit at a beach and feel absolutely nothing.
I feel like my entire existence is this one stream of thought that isnt even real, and that im nothing. Nothing is real to me anymore.

I dont know. People would die to be in my position, but i just want to die.

Im not even sure what to call this anymore. Ive always had MDD but this feels severe and like im going crazy.

 

[alstroemeria55]

Run away. Let yourself run away. Is it that when your life is falling apart the panic makes life feel real? Would volunteering make your existence more meaningful? Is there a reason to care about the chance given to attempt it all over again? You run, but when do you stop? Do you notice your legs gone numb? If nothing is real, what's stopping you from fantasy? Death is just the book shut closed.

 

[capi]

Run away. Let yourself run away. Is it that when your life is falling apart the panic makes life feel real? Would volunteering make your existence more meaningful? Is there a reason to care about the chance given to attempt it all over again? You run, but when do you stop? Do you notice your legs gone numb? If nothing is real, what's stopping you from fantasy? Death is just the book shut closed.

im sorry, but I'm not too sure what youre trying to say.
My panic doesnt make things feel real. I feel like this no matter.
Volunteering wont make things more meaningful for me.
I dont want to be in fantasy. I want the book closed and done. I dont want to run. I want everything to stop

 

[Whale_bones]

It sounds like you might be experiencing depersonalization and derealization, the feeling that nothing is real and you're not real. Although it's strange to call it a "feeling", because the experience can be more like not feeling.

What helps with that is different for everyone, I find that not searching for meaning, not pressuring yourself to feel a different way is better. Take it one day at a time, try not to judge whatever state of mind you're in. You mention PTSD, that can cause derealization. It doesn't mean you're crazy, although it's okay if you feel that way too.

 

[Hollowman]

I can relate. It doesn't need to be called anything but I call it sick and fucking tired of everything.