Lo$t95
Hello Darkness my old Friend
- Jul 16, 2024
- 267
So yeah my turn for a 'Goodbye' thread.
Long story short. I failed miserably at the most basic things you're supposed to do as a human being ~ survive and reproduce.
Being adopted destroyed me.
The people who brought me into this world looked down on me as a baby and decided to give me away. They kept my older sister but not their Son. Subsequently never met anyone I share blood with / never belonged anywhere / tsunami of self-hatred ensued and I always felt alienated by this world. I gave up on a happy life from a pretty early age.
Being asexual sealed this fate.
No chance for a family of my own. I am unwilling to go through the motions with someone and maintain a dishonest facade of a relationship just to seem normal. Not comfortable with this level of deception. I couldn't look myself in the mirror if I made this choice.
Hedonism is awesome… for a while.
I love disassociating - it's my main coping mechanism. I have a whole world in my head I retreat to with the aid of drugs, alcohol and music. Pure escapism. It's been a reflex since I was a kid. But when the dopamine high wears off this shit excuse for a life returns and it hits hard. I am tired of it. 'The kind of tired sleep won't fix'.
Loneliness, apathy and self-hatred are not sustainable. Treatments / psychiatrists / admissions did not work. There is a void in me that means suicide is the inevitable outcome for me.
Thanks for this site. Sincerely appreciated. This would have been a lot more difficult without it.
@gothbird
Your thread on SI would have been amazing right now. Wish it wasn't deleted but we're not allowed nice things because 'grooming' or some bullshit. I got to read it once and the bits I remember are still comforting. Thank you for that. Take care of yourself.
@AreWeWinning
Our conversation and the opportunity to vent was very much appreciated. Best of luck with your guide and enjoy your time I regret not being able to relax without alcohol the past few weeks. I hope you have an easier time if you follow this path. Take care man.
I have a long walk ahead so will delay this post. Should have reached my spot by the time you're reading this. Simple method fs hanging. Will erase my phone when there so it' doesn't lead back to SS. Best of luck whatever decision you the reader makes.
Goodbye
Long story short. I failed miserably at the most basic things you're supposed to do as a human being ~ survive and reproduce.
Being adopted destroyed me.
The people who brought me into this world looked down on me as a baby and decided to give me away. They kept my older sister but not their Son. Subsequently never met anyone I share blood with / never belonged anywhere / tsunami of self-hatred ensued and I always felt alienated by this world. I gave up on a happy life from a pretty early age.
Being asexual sealed this fate.
No chance for a family of my own. I am unwilling to go through the motions with someone and maintain a dishonest facade of a relationship just to seem normal. Not comfortable with this level of deception. I couldn't look myself in the mirror if I made this choice.
Hedonism is awesome… for a while.
I love disassociating - it's my main coping mechanism. I have a whole world in my head I retreat to with the aid of drugs, alcohol and music. Pure escapism. It's been a reflex since I was a kid. But when the dopamine high wears off this shit excuse for a life returns and it hits hard. I am tired of it. 'The kind of tired sleep won't fix'.
Loneliness, apathy and self-hatred are not sustainable. Treatments / psychiatrists / admissions did not work. There is a void in me that means suicide is the inevitable outcome for me.
Thanks for this site. Sincerely appreciated. This would have been a lot more difficult without it.
@gothbird
Your thread on SI would have been amazing right now. Wish it wasn't deleted but we're not allowed nice things because 'grooming' or some bullshit. I got to read it once and the bits I remember are still comforting. Thank you for that. Take care of yourself.
@AreWeWinning
Our conversation and the opportunity to vent was very much appreciated. Best of luck with your guide and enjoy your time I regret not being able to relax without alcohol the past few weeks. I hope you have an easier time if you follow this path. Take care man.
I have a long walk ahead so will delay this post. Should have reached my spot by the time you're reading this. Simple method fs hanging. Will erase my phone when there so it' doesn't lead back to SS. Best of luck whatever decision you the reader makes.
Goodbye
