Goodbye

[avaruus]

So, they day has come. My SN came and i just finished rereading punpun yesterday so today is a beautiful day to CTB, haha (HAHAHA)

First of all, i want to thank everyone here. Without this site, I don't think I would have ever even discovered what SN is.
So thank you to each and everyone for the support and advice. I've had more social interactions on this forum in the past month than I've had in 3 years IRL.


Incase you don't know my 'story', i'm a 20 year old loser from Finland.
There isn't actually much i can tell about my 'story'. Because there really isn't one.
But i try to vent and vomit out my thoughts in here, sorry for the incoherent ramblings and bad grammar you're about to witness.

I was born to two loving and caring parents, with two lovely sisters, in one of the happiest countries on earth.
I don't really have any major trauma or chronic illness and such. It's just that i'm fundamentally bad at life, it's not like I was set up for failure, as many people are
I'm fully aware that many people are born unwanted into some 3rd world country, maybe with some disabilites or chronic illnesses.
Even here, many people are going to CTB because they suffer from trauma, chronic pain or some other "external" factor in life.
But not me. I have a healthy body and was wanted by my parents, even though I do remember them mentioning that I was an accident (lol).
Regardless, I was met with love and care when I entered this world, and i'm thankful for that.
The world is mine to conquer!
Yet here i am, given everything yet unable to accomplish anything. I was never the best at anything, i never really even got good at anything.
It's because i'm fundamentally flawed.


I was always bad at school, i just didn't give a shit about it. Eventually when i barely gratuated from middle school, i almost instantly dropped out from vocational & high school after trying them both briefly.
I just don't care about school. Tbh, i'm also kinda bitter how everyone always say "school sucks so much", then why do you go there? I don't get it, if it really is that bad as you say, how on earth you get the motivation to study. Because i don't.
I often said to my mother "well, why don't you just start learning chinese if it's so easy to do things that you don't want to".
Of course they still have not learned chinese, because they don't want to.
School and 9-5 working feels the same for me.
And i know i'm shooting myself in the leg here, but maybe that gives you a good idea of how stubborn i am, which is why i need to die.
I cannot survive in this world.

I've always really shy so i never had a girlfriend. Missing out on love probably sucks for the most for me, but it's my and my fault only.
It's not like i'm writing this with hundreds of rejections in the past.
In fact, i've never actually even approached any girl.
I don't want to, i'm scared of rejection. I'd rather die than do that, which is what i'm doing today :P
Being a loser neet virgin, i obviously have met many people in the dark corners of the internet who are in the 'incel' community.
They often talk about how "height" is "everything". I wish it was like that, but it's not.
For the short guys who are insecure about their height, don't worry. I'm tall, but it doesn't matter a one bit when you're rotten from inside out.
Many many women would rather date an interesting & confident short guy than me.

Women like charismatic, interesting and confident guys who can talk about their dreams, goals and passions with a glint in their eye.
Nothing wrong with that, i'm not mad at women.. It's just sucks to be me, because i'm none of those.
I cannot ever be that, i have nothing to offer to anyone.



I discovered this site over a year ago, when i was at a very dark place in my life.
I was searching for methods when i stumbled upon this. I even ordered a rope and got scammed by a deepweb marketplace, so i kind of gave up.

I quickly found myself back in the escapism that has dominated almost my whole life: porn, video games, anime, and mindlessly scrolling through social media all day
But, most of all, I've daydreamed a lot. It's really difficult to explain, as it's so personal and detailed in my head that I cannot properly put it into words.
I've been daydreaming a lot since middle school.
But long story short: I've kinda have started to wake up from this 'daydream', and the brutal realization of my true identity and what my situation really is has hit me really hard.

So i guess my CTB could be labeled as somewhat 'impulsive', since i really didn't think i was actually going to die anytime soon until around the 20th of september.
That's when i started to become more active on this forum. Then, at the start of october, i fucked up my financial situation. Then it just finally really sank in.
I don't belong here.



Anyways, sorry for the ramblings, the plan is to take another 300mg of pregabalin (just took one) and 1mg of clonazepam at 12.00pm.
Then at around 16.00pm (UTC+2) to take the SN. I don't have meto, but YOLO.

Many people who deserve an exit much more than I do struggle to get it.
So i will not give you a middle finger.
I have 1kg of it, will take a shot after a shot until the whole bag is empty.

Just took 300mg of pregabalin about 2 hours ago, it has made me pretty calm.
But i noticed than right now i'm feeling more bitter and irrated rather than sad, anxious and scared.
Maybe this just shows my true colors.

I will be reporting my experience of taking it, and probably vomit out more of my thoughts in this thread throughout the day.

I wish i had something to offer to this world, maybe i would have gotten something in return.
I wish wasn't so insecure, shy, stubborn and shit
I wish I were better at connecting with people; I wish I could have experienced love.
Maybe in another universe.

So for now, Goodbye everyone.

 

[kipper]

i understand the feeling of being bad at life, so much is a struggle... whatever may happen in your future, i wish you the best. goodnight dear.

 

[XdragonsoulX]

Wishing you safe travels to the other side I also am bad at life and just needs to die to escape it, but wishing you the best

 

[february in alaska]

I appreciated seeing you around here over the last two months, and I'll miss seeing you around for the next few. I completely know what you mean about daydreaming and waking up to reality. Good luck on your journey, I hope you go peacefully. See you on the other side

 

[Novacaine]

Goodbye. Will join you soon

 

[achb]

Damn, it's always rough reading things like this. Whether you succeed or not, I hope you find your peace and happiness wherever you go, even if that's nowhere at all.

May you reach the skies.

 

[Rinzitsu]

Best of luck. I have the same scenario in regards to being shit at school. Wishing you a painless and quick death. I heard DMT releases into your system once you die so hopefully that gives comfort.

 

[Anon1337]

Goodbye. If you have any doubts, please reconsider. The SN will last for years.

 

[KillerIsMe]

how are you doing?

if you're still here you still have time to rethink this.

 

[stillvoices]

I'm new here, but from what I've seen I'll miss you around here. Peaceful journey!

 

[rileywatson]

Goodbye. I hope your passing is peaceful.

 

[avaruus]

how are you doing?

if you're still here you still have time to rethink this.

I'm feeling kinda euphoric right now, the pregabalin is really a wonder drug.
Here is my thread about it, i definetly suggest if for anxiety.

Pregabalin

It's the only drug that i can honestly recommend without being irresponsible (like for example with benzos or opioids). And it work so wonderfully, it reduces anxiety and has some sort of serotonic effects, i'm pretty sure. I've done it only for the past week, but i've done so much other drugs...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[KillerIsMe]

I'm feeling kinda euphoric right now, the pregabalin is really a wonder drug.
Here is my thread about it, i definetly suggest if for anxiety.

Pregabalin

It's the only drug that i can honestly recommend without being irresponsible (like for example with benzos or opioids). And it work so wonderfully, it reduces anxiety and has some sort of serotonic effects, i'm pretty sure. I've done it only for the past week, but i've done so much other drugs...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Did you already take the SN?

 

[UtopianSoliloquies]

I'm sorry you've gotten to this point of deciding to CTB. I can really relate to really wanting to die despite having a fairly materially privileged upbringing. If you're sure you want to go, then I wish you luck. Goodbye, and safe travels.

 

[avaruus]

Did you already take the SN?

No, i take it at 16.00 UTC +2

Eating my last 'meal' right now, an ice cream bar

 

[wozhendehaolei688]

所以，他们的日子到了。我的SN来了，昨天我刚刚重读完punpun，所以今天对CTB来说是美好的一天，哈哈(哈)

首先，我要感谢这里的大家。如果没有这个网站，我想我永远找不到SN是什么。
因此，感谢大家的支持和建议。过去一个月我在这个论坛上进行的社交互动比我三年来的社交互动还要多。


如果你不知道我的"故事"，我是一个来自芬兰的20岁失败者。
关于我的"故事"，我实际上没有可讲的。因为确实没有。
但我试图在这里发泄和吐槽我的想法，因为你想要的语言无伦次的胡言乱语和糟糕的感觉神经抱歉。

我出生在地球上最幸福的国家之一，有两个充满爱心和关怀的父母，还有两个可爱的姐妹。
我确实没有任何重大创伤或慢性疾病之类的。只是我在生活中从根本上来说很糟糕，这并不是说我会失败，很多时候就像人一样
我意识到，许多出生在第三世界国家的人可能患有一些完全残疾或慢性疾病。
即使，许多人也会因为遭受创伤、疼痛或生活中的其他"外部"因素而去CTB。
但不是我。我有一个健康的身体，是我父母想要的，尽管我记得他们提到过我是一个意外（笑）。
不管怎样，当我来到这个世界的时候，我遇到了爱和关怀，对此我很感激。
世界由我来征服！
然而我却在这里，万物拥有，却一事无成。我从来都不是最优秀的事，我什至从来没有真正优秀的事。
这是因为我有根本性的缺陷。


我在学校的成绩总是很差，我对此毫不在意。最终，当我刚刚从中学毕业时，在短暂尝试过职业学校和高中后，我几乎立即从职业学校和高中退学。
我只是不关心学校。说实话，我也有点苦恼大家总是说"学校太糟糕了"，那你为什么要去那里呢？我不明白，如果真的像你说的那么糟糕，你到底怎么会有学习的动力吗？因为我没有。
我经常对我妈妈说"好吧，如果你不想那么容易做这件事，你为什么不开始学习中文呢"。
当然他们还没有学中文，因为他们不想学。
学校和朝九晚五的工作对我来说是一样的。
我知道我正在朝自己的腿开枪，但也许会让你明白我是多么的执着，这就是为什么我需要死。
我无法在这个世界上生存。

我一直很害羞，所以我从来没有见过女朋友。失恋对我来说可能是最糟糕的，但这只是我的错。
我写这篇文章并不是因为过去有数百次拒绝。
事实上，我从来没有真正接触过任何女孩。
我不愿意，我不愿意被拒绝。我宁愿死也不愿意那样做，这就是我今天所做的:P
作为一个失败者尼特处女，我显然在互联网的黑暗祈祷中遇到了很多"incel"社区的人。
他们经常谈论"身高"是"一切"。我希望是这样，事实但事实并非如此。
对自己身高没有信心的矮子也不用担心。我很高兴，但当你到了外面都烂透了的时候，那一点也不重要。
很多女人都追求和一个有趣又自信的矮个子约会，而不是和我约会。

喜欢女人有魅力、风趣的男人，她们能够在谈论自己的梦想、目标和激情时进行自我启发。
这没什么气，我不是女人的……只是我很糟糕，因为我不是那些人。
我永远不可能那样，我没有什么可以给任何人。



我多年前发现了这个网站，当时我生活在一个非常黑暗的地方。
当我偶然发现这个时候，我正在寻找方法。我什至扫描了辫子，但被深网市场欺骗了，所以我有点放弃了。

我很快发现自己又回到了几乎主宰我一生的逃避现实：色情、电子游戏、动漫以及动漫漫不经心地浏览社交媒体
但最重要的是，我做了很多白日梦。这真的很难解释，因为它在我的想象中是私人的和详细的，导致我无法正确地用语言表达出来。
我从中学起就经常做白日梦。
但长话短说：我已经从这个《白日梦》中醒来，深刻地认识到我的真实身份和我的真实力量对我打击很大。

所以我想我的CTB可以被贴上"预告"的标签，因为我真的不认为我会在9月20日左右死亡。
从那时起我开始在这个论坛上变得更加活跃。然后，十月初，我的财务状况搞砸了。然后它才真正陷入困境。
我不属于这里。



不管怎样，抱歉胡言乱语，计划是在中午12点再服用300毫克普瑞巴林（刚刚服用了一颗）和1毫克硝西泮。
然后下午16:00左右（UTC+2）坐SN。我没有meto，但是YOLO。

许多比我更值得退出的人却很难得到。
所以我不会对你竖指。
我有1斤，会一枪一枪，直到整袋空。

大约2小时前刚刚服用了300毫克普瑞巴林，这让我相当平静。
但我注意到，现在我感到更加痛苦和愤怒，而不是悲伤、焦虑和害怕。
也许这只是暴露了我的确切目的。

我将报告我的拍摄经历，并可能在这个线程中吐出更多我的想法。

我希望我能回报这个世界提供一些东西，也许我会得到一些。
我希望不要那么缺乏安全感、害羞、固执和狗屎
我希望我能更好地与人交往；我希望我能体验到爱情。
也许在另一个宇宙。

现在，大家再见了。

Some of the experiences you mentioned are very similar to mine. The only thing I lack now is courage.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

No, i take it at 16.00 UTC +2

Eating my last 'meal' right now, an ice cream bar

I wish you all the best, you've waited sometime for sn and even thought about hanging instead when the SN didn't ship. It never gets any easier to see one of these but I hope you find peace either way. Sad how there's been quite a few people going by SN over the last few weeks.

 

[avaruus]

Some of the experiences you mentioned are very similar to mine. The only thing I lack now is courage.

Haha, i google-translated my post from the chinese quote of your post to finnish and it sounds so funny, but it's accurate.
Hard to to put it into words, hope you understand what i meant.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I wish you all the best and a pleasant journey. I hope you find peace! Safe travels and good luck!

 

[ApathyToLife]

@avaruus we haven't spoken personally but your story is so relatable to mine, starting from being really stubborn, being a tall guy and the escapism aspect of your personality. Also the part about working 9-5 job hit really hard. Actually I was gonna go today via SN too but some problems with family came up and I had to postpone. Wish you all the best with your plans and hopefully everything goes well, the transition is peaceful and fast and *fingers crossed* you don't have to take a backup glass because the first one did the job. I'm so glad I got to read your posts, glad you chose a more peaceful method too (not hanging). Peace, brother and I'll be joining you on the other side very soon

 

[Scattered-Soul]

The two of us can't be more different but I sympathize with your struggles, I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[HighFlight]

I'm sorry that life has brought you to this decision. Your story sounds much like my high school and early college experience. If you're not 100% sure, please consider postponing until you are. I would have loved an opportunity to compare notes. If you change your mind or things don't work out as planned, feel free to PM me.

However, I will truly support your decision regardless of the path it takes you. And should you choose to leave this world, I hope you have a peaceful journey.

 

[Rhizomorph1]

Hey @avaruus , the decision is ultimately yours, I support your decision and hope you find peace either way.

I feel compelled to say that in your current position, there is a lot of potential to live life enjoyably. I suffer a chronic illness that I'm in the process of exhausting my options for treating before I decide to ctb. Have you exhausted your options (e.g., treatment, medication)? The research shows that most people can and do learn to connect with their communities, romantic partners, etc. and as someone who has worked in the mental health field, I've seen it happen.

Anyways, reach out if you want to chat. You have the right to self-determination, but knowing what you've said in this thread and the trajectory I've seen other people in similar shoes go through, I think there are very high odds of you recovering, if you wanted to give it a try

Wishing you peace either way. I'll continue monitoring this thread

 

[rileywatson]

If this attempt doesn't work out, have you considered partners? 1kg is a lot of SN

 

[avaruus]

I feel compelled to say that in your current position, there is a lot of potential to live life enjoyably. I suffer a chronic illness that I'm in the process of exhausting my options for treating before I decide to ctb. Have you exhausted your options (e.g., treatment, medication)? The research shows that most people can and do learn to connect with their communities, romantic partners, etc. and as someone who has worked in the mental health field, I've seen it happen.

I'm sorry for you situation. I tried psychotherapy when i was 16, but it didn't go anywhere. Therapists cannot fix my life, only i can do that. But i can't.
I understand what you mean, many people probably can fix their life with help.

But it's just that you don't really know how bad it is for me.
For example, i could have probably postponed my rent payment last month with a simple call, but i couldn't do that.

I ordered an appointment for doctor to give me a "discharge" for my mandatory military service, but i didn't go there, i didn't cancel the appointment. I know there would be consequences for that, and i gladly paid the 60 euro "fine" that i got from that.

Like i said in my original post, i would literally throw away my long term happiness to save my self from short term pain. I'm too hedoinistic, my comfort zone is so incredebly small and tight.


That probably gives you an idea of how bad it is for me.

I will run away from responsibilites and uncomforable things until the walls of my comfort zone crush me, which it has now done.

 

[Engström]

I haven't been back for long but I'm going to miss your excellent cat avatar, which says it all - to me anyway.

It's nearly 3 in the morning where I am, and I am wishing you peace, relief.

Hyvää matkaa

♡

 

[avaruus]

If this attempt doesn't work out, have you considered partners? 1kg is a lot of SN

I've thought about it, i considered to give away the rest of my SN to some finnish people, but i think that would be a too much of a hassle.

I haven't been back for long but I'm going to miss your excellent cat avatar, which says it all - to me anyway.

It's nearly 3 in the morning where I am, and I am wishing you peace, relief.

Hyvää matkaa

♡

Kiitos! Toivottavasti säkin löydät rauhan, oli se sitten elämästä tai kuolemasta. <3

 

[Rhizomorph1]

I'm sorry for you situation. I tried psychotherapy when i was 16, but it didn't go anywhere. Therapists cannot fix my life, only i can do that. But i can't.
I understand what you mean, many people probably can fix their life with help.

But it's just that you don't really know how bad it is for me.
For example, i could have probably postponed my rent payment last month with a simple call, but i couldn't do that.

I ordered an appointment for doctor to give me a "discharge" for my mandatory military service, but i didn't go there, i didn't cancel the appointment. I know there would be consequences for that, and i gladly paid the 60 euro "fine" that i got from that.

Like i said in my original post, i would literally throw away my long term happiness to save my self from short term pain. I'm too hedoinistic, my comfort zone is so incredebly small and tight.


That probably gives you an idea of how bad it is for me.

I will run away from responsibilites and uncomforable things until the walls of my comfort zone crush me, which it has now done.

I won't try to change your mind then. I do encourage you to consider the number of joyful life years lost. Years that are a one time opportunity to experience. Medication or a different therapist are also options that could prove effective now that you have the insights of adulthood.

But, I'll bite my tongue now. Keep us posted once you take the SN and I bid you a peaceful journey <3 It was nice reading your posts in the short time I've been on this forum. You seem like a really cool guy :)

I'll be around to chat for the next hour so if you want to chat more in detail about the challenges you've been facing pm me.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I'll be sorry to see you go, yet will be happy for you if you finally leave this cruel world and find the peace you deserve.

 

[deadlemonade]

So, they day has come. My SN came and i just finished rereading punpun yesterday so today is a beautiful day to CTB, haha (HAHAHA)

First of all, i want to thank everyone here. Without this site, I don't think I would have ever even discovered what SN is.
So thank you to each and everyone for the support and advice. I've had more social interactions on this forum in the past month than I've had in 3 years IRL.


Incase you don't know my 'story', i'm a 20 year old loser from Finland.
There isn't actually much i can tell about my 'story'. Because there really isn't one.
But i try to vent and vomit out my thoughts in here, sorry for the incoherent ramblings and bad grammar you're about to witness.

I was born to two loving and caring parents, with two lovely sisters, in one of the happiest countries on earth.
I don't really have any major trauma or chronic illness and such. It's just that i'm fundamentally bad at life, it's not like I was set up for failure, as many people are
I'm fully aware that many people are born unwanted into some 3rd world country, maybe with some disabilites or chronic illnesses.
Even here, many people are going to CTB because they suffer from trauma, chronic pain or some other "external" factor in life.
But not me. I have a healthy body and was wanted by my parents, even though I do remember them mentioning that I was an accident (lol).
Regardless, I was met with love and care when I entered this world, and i'm thankful for that.
The world is mine to conquer!
Yet here i am, given everything yet unable to accomplish anything. I was never the best at anything, i never really even got good at anything.
It's because i'm fundamentally flawed.


I was always bad at school, i just didn't give a shit about it. Eventually when i barely gratuated from middle school, i almost instantly dropped out from vocational & high school after trying them both briefly.
I just don't care about school. Tbh, i'm also kinda bitter how everyone always say "school sucks so much", then why do you go there? I don't get it, if it really is that bad as you say, how on earth you get the motivation to study. Because i don't.
I often said to my mother "well, why don't you just start learning chinese if it's so easy to do things that you don't want to".
Of course they still have not learned chinese, because they don't want to.
School and 9-5 working feels the same for me.
And i know i'm shooting myself in the leg here, but maybe that gives you a good idea of how stubborn i am, which is why i need to die.
I cannot survive in this world.

I've always really shy so i never had a girlfriend. Missing out on love probably sucks for the most for me, but it's my and my fault only.
It's not like i'm writing this with hundreds of rejections in the past.
In fact, i've never actually even approached any girl.
I don't want to, i'm scared of rejection. I'd rather die than do that, which is what i'm doing today :P
Being a loser neet virgin, i obviously have met many people in the dark corners of the internet who are in the 'incel' community.
They often talk about how "height" is "everything". I wish it was like that, but it's not.
For the short guys who are insecure about their height, don't worry. I'm tall, but it doesn't matter a one bit when you're rotten from inside out.
Many many women would rather date an interesting & confident short guy than me.

Women like charismatic, interesting and confident guys who can talk about their dreams, goals and passions with a glint in their eye.
Nothing wrong with that, i'm not mad at women.. It's just sucks to be me, because i'm none of those.
I cannot ever be that, i have nothing to offer to anyone.



I discovered this site over a year ago, when i was at a very dark place in my life.
I was searching for methods when i stumbled upon this. I even ordered a rope and got scammed by a deepweb marketplace, so i kind of gave up.

I quickly found myself back in the escapism that has dominated almost my whole life: porn, video games, anime, and mindlessly scrolling through social media all day
But, most of all, I've daydreamed a lot. It's really difficult to explain, as it's so personal and detailed in my head that I cannot properly put it into words.
I've been daydreaming a lot since middle school.
But long story short: I've kinda have started to wake up from this 'daydream', and the brutal realization of my true identity and what my situation really is has hit me really hard.

So i guess my CTB could be labeled as somewhat 'impulsive', since i really didn't think i was actually going to die anytime soon until around the 20th of september.
That's when i started to become more active on this forum. Then, at the start of october, i fucked up my financial situation. Then it just finally really sank in.
I don't belong here.



Anyways, sorry for the ramblings, the plan is to take another 300mg of pregabalin (just took one) and 1mg of clonazepam at 12.00pm.
Then at around 16.00pm (UTC+2) to take the SN. I don't have meto, but YOLO.

Many people who deserve an exit much more than I do struggle to get it.
So i will not give you a middle finger.
I have 1kg of it, will take a shot after a shot until the whole bag is empty.

Just took 300mg of pregabalin about 2 hours ago, it has made me pretty calm.
But i noticed than right now i'm feeling more bitter and irrated rather than sad, anxious and scared.
Maybe this just shows my true colors.

I will be reporting my experience of taking it, and probably vomit out more of my thoughts in this thread throughout the day.

I wish i had something to offer to this world, maybe i would have gotten something in return.
I wish wasn't so insecure, shy, stubborn and shit
I wish I were better at connecting with people; I wish I could have experienced love.
Maybe in another universe.

So for now, Goodbye everyone.

i understand how you feel about school, i've been in and out of 5 high schools when it's only 4 years. I hope you find the peace your looking for and good luck :)