HybridSpectre
Life sucks
- Jan 24, 2023
- 34
For a long time I've been in denial of how much dysfunctional my life is. On the scales of success in life, I'd downright be a failure. Just clutching onto mere strands of hope, hoping that my life is gonna be better, somehow. Let's face it raw: LIFE IS ALL ABOUT MONEY, at least for the most part. Sad, yet so true. Even when it doesn't seem so, dissect the situation in question and you'll find that the bottom line is MONEY. Every minute of everyday is defined by how much money you command. You wake up in the morning, the breakfast you'll have is determined by money. You can have whatever you want, you just gotta have the money. The clothes you wear, money. You go to work, possibly backbreaking for hours, for money. You come back home in the evening, whether to a house or the streets, money. You want to do something recretional like going to a movie, money. A brief look at some instances. One person is driven to ctb by homelessness or its prospect, because of money. Would this story be different if the person had enough money to acquire a decent place to live? Another person driven to ctb by a debilitating medical condition that makes life a living hell. Note that the condition is curable, but surgery's too expensive -- again, money! Another driven to ctb because he's a misfit. He's a socially awkward NEET who still lives with his parents. All he wants is a stable, independent life in his own house. But this is lightyears away, because of money. Another person, a woman, in an abusive relationship. She feels compelled to stay in the relationship because she's got nowhere to go, again because of money. So she stays with the douchebag at the expense of her physical and mental health, everyday her urge to ctb getting worse; all she wants is to escape it all. Another woman, a sex worker, meeting her clients and possibly humiliated in every way imaginable, because of money. The prospects of abuse and STI from any client hanging over her head like the sword of Damocles. I could go on and on about more instances, but I hope you can see how money traverses every situation, often in a subtle manner.
I believe all human beings are inherently the same. We all have the same beginning: a sperm fertilising an ovum. Then our paths start diverging. One pregnant woman has the highest quality access to prenatal care, giving the unborn child high chances of healthy life without much complications, because of money. Another pregnant woman, poor, struggles to have enough food and medical care, hence forced to overwork by circumstances, raising chances of complications to her pregnancy and unborn child, all because of money. We all have one heart and brain, two feet and hands, in short, similar anatomy. We're all born and eventually die, however rich or poor you are -- no cheating death. So where does all this disparity between human beings come from? That one person eats and lives like a pig, another like a king? Money. A creation of man, not nature. Created by the innate pride, jealousy and lack of trust between people. To impose subjugation upon any and all. Or perhaps it just came to be from the genuine need to exchange products. Promise a poor person thousands of dollars and he'd do whatever nasty stuff you ask of him, sometimes even as far as killing someone else. Threaten a rich person with taking away his money and he'd do whatever you ask of him, in a bid to keep his wealth. Everything has a price tag. You just need the money and you can get anything. That said, money does not come alone, it has several friends: power, command and control, etc.
I think of money, as well as the law and its enforcement officers and the government as tools of subjugation used by the rich and privileged. Don't get me wrong, I'm a champion of justice and order FOR ALL. Privileged? Aren't we all the same sorry mortals, how come one person can control another? Money and friends. I've always been scared of the fact that someone flawed like me gets to sit on a high chair to hear two people arguing about whether someone else is too flawed to continue living free or watch the society from behind rusty bars of metal. Never liked this power being in anyone's hands, but I sure did appreciate that it kept malign people at bay. Money, in bribery, can pervert justice taking away years of freedom from an innocent person through incarceration. Or worse the former being the result of false information or the biasness of the judge and jury. The same justice system legitimately puts away a pedophile. I see money and friends are a sharp doubled-edged sword that cuts both ways. It saddens me to see them misused like hurting the innocent. We are all imperfect beings ridden with shortcomings like greed, fear, jealousy and hypocrisy. Yet some people think they're better than others.
Something that has always puzzled me so much is racism. Just what is colour of the skin? It's the type and quantity of melanin, the skin colouring chemical substance. So people, with sane minds, segregated the society into groups based on whether someone has melanin in the skin? This is one of the most absurd things I've heard in my life. We may as well start segregating the society based on whether someone has enough pancreatic fluid or red blood cells. To reiterate my previous stance, all human beings are the same. Differences are superficial. All mirages. Ask a dead person who had millions in his name before he bit the dust whether he carried even a cent with him to the grave. I have a hunch you know what answer he'd give you if he could. Yet we can't really do without money, if we want a good quality of life. Huh, the necessary evil, what a crossroad. Does it make sense to have with millions in the bank, while someone somewhere is dying of hunger, or getting evicted or driven to ctb because they they're at the end of their means? I wonder. As a human, you really ought to reconsider what is genuinely worthwhile in this life.
Look at me now, expecting a utopian world. Perhaps my thoughts inclined too much to fantasy. Perhaps nothing in this world changes to what I consider ideal. I know that after reading this you'll probably forget most of it and carry on with your life; again, a shortcoming of being human. I don't blame you, the brain discards stuff it finds irrelevant. However true my opinions are (and I believe ultimately), I had to get them off my chest before I die, they were heavy as hell on me.
I've had a really shitty life and I'm so freaking tired and angry of it all. In about 7 hours at around 3:00a.m UTC+3 I'm going to take my leave off this broken world. At this time my sisters would be asleep and there's no one outside the apartment. This is my second and final ctb attempt. I don't plan on failing and ending up a vegetable. I'm going to slit the carotid artery in my neck with a very sharp razor (NOT blunt) and expect to die in the next few minutes from exsanguination (blood loss). I'll do this on the rooftop of the apartment I live in. For me, this is the most easily accessible method. I've done some research on this, so I'm going to share some of my findings.
The average adult blood volume represents 7% of body weight (or 70 ml/kg of body weight). A 70kgs body circulates blood at about 70ml/kg which equals about 5 litres Estimated blood volume (EBV). Cardiac output (CO) is about 5-7 litres per minute. All major arteries of the body conduct approximately 15-20% of CO/minute which equals about 1 litre per minute. The major arteries include the innominate artery, subclavian arteries, carotid arteries and iliac arteries.[1][2] Depending on the level of blood loss, unconciousness and death from a completely transected carotid artery would result to death in approx 2-20 minutes.[1] See [1] for estimations on other vessels.
Many people say that this method is painful. Well, to some extent which lasts for a few seconds to about 2 minutes, inferred from the average cardiac output. The pain will be as a result of the mechanism of trauma that caused the injury, not the actual process of bleeding out from the artery. If there is a complete resection of the carotid artery, you will bleed out in a few seconds, pass out, and move on to the afterlife before you know it.[4] Unconsciousness occurs when you've lost 30-40% of EBV equal to about 1.5-2.0 litres.[3] Note, however, this timeframe isn't definite for every case, cause there are mixed reviews on the time taken to fall unconscious with subsequent death, ranging from a few seconds to few minutes.[5][6][7][1] One becomes unconscious as soon as there isn't enough oxygen in the brain, due to blood loss.[3] You'd lose consciousness pretty soon. Pain is nothing after that.[4] Buckling up for a possibly bumpy ride. I'm physically and psychologically prepared for whatever comes.
So I've written my last words to family. It's going to be delivered by a time-delayed Android ongoing notification in my phone with max priority; cause I'm sure they'll look at my phone. I'll get technical a bit, it's just a bash script that executes once the sleep command terminates after 6 hours. The script will be executed in Termux app. Additionally, I'm using Termux:Boot addon to execute the script once after every reboot of my phone. Termux:API addon is used to create the notification. So here are the bash scripts:
Note:
#
# README.md in ~/temp contains the last words
# scripts are stored in ~/temp
start-notification.sh -- (placed in ~/.termux/boot/)
run-on-click.sh -- (placed in ~/temp)
display-readme.sh -- (placed in ~/temp)
Because I'll not be here to reboot my phone, I'll just time-delay the execution for 6 hours since I'll be long gone then, with the following one-liner:
That's it.
To what end, really, do I live? Make money, have kids, grow old, then die. Everything feels pointless and meaningless to me. I feel like a burden to everyone, an alien, the scum of the earth. I wish I never existed. I hate this life. I wasn't cut out for it. Can't wait to catch my ride off this shithole. With my method at hand, now dying in a cold isolated rooftop unwitting by pro-lifers, in the dim moonlight, watching the dark starry sky, thoughts of my best and worst moments in life racing in my mind at lightspeed, each struggling for the spotlight, as I gradually drift into nothingness and peace. No better way to bid this world farewell, I reckon. Thank you SS family, you were a peculiar source of hope and light when everything in my life was growing dark and meaningless.
---------
References:
[1] https://realfighting.com/unconsciousness_and_death.php
[2] https://web.archive.org/web/20160406050812/http://ccforum.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/cc2851
[3] https://www.healthline.com/health/how-much-blood-can-you-lose#fainting
[4] https://www.quora.com/Is-it-a-painful-death-dying-from-a-severed-carotid-artery-1
[5] https://staminacomfort.com/how-fast-will-you-die-if-you-cut-your-carotid-artery
[6] https://www.securitymagazine.com/articles/89752-the-danger-of-slashing
[7] https://www.reddit.com/r/morbidquestions/comments/6u9n0m/how_much_time_does_it_take_to_die_after_the/
I believe all human beings are inherently the same. We all have the same beginning: a sperm fertilising an ovum. Then our paths start diverging. One pregnant woman has the highest quality access to prenatal care, giving the unborn child high chances of healthy life without much complications, because of money. Another pregnant woman, poor, struggles to have enough food and medical care, hence forced to overwork by circumstances, raising chances of complications to her pregnancy and unborn child, all because of money. We all have one heart and brain, two feet and hands, in short, similar anatomy. We're all born and eventually die, however rich or poor you are -- no cheating death. So where does all this disparity between human beings come from? That one person eats and lives like a pig, another like a king? Money. A creation of man, not nature. Created by the innate pride, jealousy and lack of trust between people. To impose subjugation upon any and all. Or perhaps it just came to be from the genuine need to exchange products. Promise a poor person thousands of dollars and he'd do whatever nasty stuff you ask of him, sometimes even as far as killing someone else. Threaten a rich person with taking away his money and he'd do whatever you ask of him, in a bid to keep his wealth. Everything has a price tag. You just need the money and you can get anything. That said, money does not come alone, it has several friends: power, command and control, etc.
I think of money, as well as the law and its enforcement officers and the government as tools of subjugation used by the rich and privileged. Don't get me wrong, I'm a champion of justice and order FOR ALL. Privileged? Aren't we all the same sorry mortals, how come one person can control another? Money and friends. I've always been scared of the fact that someone flawed like me gets to sit on a high chair to hear two people arguing about whether someone else is too flawed to continue living free or watch the society from behind rusty bars of metal. Never liked this power being in anyone's hands, but I sure did appreciate that it kept malign people at bay. Money, in bribery, can pervert justice taking away years of freedom from an innocent person through incarceration. Or worse the former being the result of false information or the biasness of the judge and jury. The same justice system legitimately puts away a pedophile. I see money and friends are a sharp doubled-edged sword that cuts both ways. It saddens me to see them misused like hurting the innocent. We are all imperfect beings ridden with shortcomings like greed, fear, jealousy and hypocrisy. Yet some people think they're better than others.
Something that has always puzzled me so much is racism. Just what is colour of the skin? It's the type and quantity of melanin, the skin colouring chemical substance. So people, with sane minds, segregated the society into groups based on whether someone has melanin in the skin? This is one of the most absurd things I've heard in my life. We may as well start segregating the society based on whether someone has enough pancreatic fluid or red blood cells. To reiterate my previous stance, all human beings are the same. Differences are superficial. All mirages. Ask a dead person who had millions in his name before he bit the dust whether he carried even a cent with him to the grave. I have a hunch you know what answer he'd give you if he could. Yet we can't really do without money, if we want a good quality of life. Huh, the necessary evil, what a crossroad. Does it make sense to have with millions in the bank, while someone somewhere is dying of hunger, or getting evicted or driven to ctb because they they're at the end of their means? I wonder. As a human, you really ought to reconsider what is genuinely worthwhile in this life.
Look at me now, expecting a utopian world. Perhaps my thoughts inclined too much to fantasy. Perhaps nothing in this world changes to what I consider ideal. I know that after reading this you'll probably forget most of it and carry on with your life; again, a shortcoming of being human. I don't blame you, the brain discards stuff it finds irrelevant. However true my opinions are (and I believe ultimately), I had to get them off my chest before I die, they were heavy as hell on me.
I've had a really shitty life and I'm so freaking tired and angry of it all. In about 7 hours at around 3:00a.m UTC+3 I'm going to take my leave off this broken world. At this time my sisters would be asleep and there's no one outside the apartment. This is my second and final ctb attempt. I don't plan on failing and ending up a vegetable. I'm going to slit the carotid artery in my neck with a very sharp razor (NOT blunt) and expect to die in the next few minutes from exsanguination (blood loss). I'll do this on the rooftop of the apartment I live in. For me, this is the most easily accessible method. I've done some research on this, so I'm going to share some of my findings.
The average adult blood volume represents 7% of body weight (or 70 ml/kg of body weight). A 70kgs body circulates blood at about 70ml/kg which equals about 5 litres Estimated blood volume (EBV). Cardiac output (CO) is about 5-7 litres per minute. All major arteries of the body conduct approximately 15-20% of CO/minute which equals about 1 litre per minute. The major arteries include the innominate artery, subclavian arteries, carotid arteries and iliac arteries.[1][2] Depending on the level of blood loss, unconciousness and death from a completely transected carotid artery would result to death in approx 2-20 minutes.[1] See [1] for estimations on other vessels.
Many people say that this method is painful. Well, to some extent which lasts for a few seconds to about 2 minutes, inferred from the average cardiac output. The pain will be as a result of the mechanism of trauma that caused the injury, not the actual process of bleeding out from the artery. If there is a complete resection of the carotid artery, you will bleed out in a few seconds, pass out, and move on to the afterlife before you know it.[4] Unconsciousness occurs when you've lost 30-40% of EBV equal to about 1.5-2.0 litres.[3] Note, however, this timeframe isn't definite for every case, cause there are mixed reviews on the time taken to fall unconscious with subsequent death, ranging from a few seconds to few minutes.[5][6][7][1] One becomes unconscious as soon as there isn't enough oxygen in the brain, due to blood loss.[3] You'd lose consciousness pretty soon. Pain is nothing after that.[4] Buckling up for a possibly bumpy ride. I'm physically and psychologically prepared for whatever comes.
So I've written my last words to family. It's going to be delivered by a time-delayed Android ongoing notification in my phone with max priority; cause I'm sure they'll look at my phone. I'll get technical a bit, it's just a bash script that executes once the sleep command terminates after 6 hours. The script will be executed in Termux app. Additionally, I'm using Termux:Boot addon to execute the script once after every reboot of my phone. Termux:API addon is used to create the notification. So here are the bash scripts:
Note:
#
~ = /data/data/com.termux/files/home# README.md in ~/temp contains the last words
# scripts are stored in ~/temp
start-notification.sh -- (placed in ~/.termux/boot/)
Rich (BB code):
#!/data/data/com.termux/files/usr/bin/bash
# Auto-executed first by Termux:Boot
# It creates the notification
termux-volume notification 15
termux-notification --ongoing --id 7e53f8013d --priority max --sound --title "Read Dan's last words" --type default --action '/data/data/com.termux/files/home/temp/run-on-click.sh'run-on-click.sh -- (placed in ~/temp)
Rich (BB code):
#!/data/data/com.termux/files/usr/bin/bash
# It's the script that runs when the notification is clicked
# It runs display-readme.sh
am start com.termux.app.TermuxActivity
sleep 1
am startservice --user 0 -n com.termux/com.termux.app.RunCommandService -a com.termux.RUN_COMMAND --es com.termux.RUN_COMMAND_PATH '/data/data/com.termux/files/home/temp/display-readme.sh' --es com.termux.RUN_COMMAND_WORKDIR '/data/data/com.termux/files/home' --ez com.termux.RUN_COMMAND_BACKGROUND 'false' --es com.termux.RUN_COMMAND_SESSION_ACTION '0'display-readme.sh -- (placed in ~/temp)
Rich (BB code):
#!/data/data/com.termux/files/usr/bin/bash
# It's executed by run-on-click.sh
# It displays the last words
cp ~/temp/README.md /sdcard/Documents/Dan\'s.Last.Words.ASC.UTF8.LF.txt
echo "$(cat /data/data/com.termux/files/home/temp/README.md)
===========
This information has been saved in /sdcard/Documents/Dan's.Last.Words.ASC.UTF8.LF.txt
To exit from this page, press 'q'." | less
echo "This information will show up once after every reboot. To
disable showing this message, reply 'yes' below, else replying
'no' means the notification will come up after every reboot."
echo
read -p "Disable the message notification? (yes|no) " Choice
until [[ $Choice == yes || $Choice == no ]]; do
read -p "Invalid choice specified, must be (yes|no) " Choice
done
# delete script that brings up the notification and related files
if [[ $Choice == yes ]]; then
rm -f "/data/data/com.termux/files/home/.termux/boot/start-notification.sh"
rm -rf "/data/data/com.termux/files/home/temp"
fiBecause I'll not be here to reboot my phone, I'll just time-delay the execution for 6 hours since I'll be long gone then, with the following one-liner:
bash -c '(sleep 6h && bash ~/.termux/boot/start-notification.sh)&'That's it.
To what end, really, do I live? Make money, have kids, grow old, then die. Everything feels pointless and meaningless to me. I feel like a burden to everyone, an alien, the scum of the earth. I wish I never existed. I hate this life. I wasn't cut out for it. Can't wait to catch my ride off this shithole. With my method at hand, now dying in a cold isolated rooftop unwitting by pro-lifers, in the dim moonlight, watching the dark starry sky, thoughts of my best and worst moments in life racing in my mind at lightspeed, each struggling for the spotlight, as I gradually drift into nothingness and peace. No better way to bid this world farewell, I reckon. Thank you SS family, you were a peculiar source of hope and light when everything in my life was growing dark and meaningless.
---------
References:
[1] https://realfighting.com/unconsciousness_and_death.php
[2] https://web.archive.org/web/20160406050812/http://ccforum.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/cc2851
[3] https://www.healthline.com/health/how-much-blood-can-you-lose#fainting
[4] https://www.quora.com/Is-it-a-painful-death-dying-from-a-severed-carotid-artery-1
[5] https://staminacomfort.com/how-fast-will-you-die-if-you-cut-your-carotid-artery
[6] https://www.securitymagazine.com/articles/89752-the-danger-of-slashing
[7] https://www.reddit.com/r/morbidquestions/comments/6u9n0m/how_much_time_does_it_take_to_die_after_the/
