Goodbye Thread.

[Abandoned Phantom]

Hello everyone. This will hopefully be my last message. As such, it's a little bit long. A few days ago, it was 100% certain to CTB today. Now that the day is finally here, I'm a bit apprehensive. I'm currently living with my parents. just a little while ago, she saw a baby picture of me hanging on the wall. "Look how cute you were" she said to me. "a little pudgy, but you were only 3 years old!" she said with a jolly tone. It's going to be brutal for her. I attempted once before, I tried so hard to make it look like an accident, but it didn't work. Now she'll have to face the real thing The truth. Breaks my fucking heart. That's what's stopping me. Her whole world is going to come to a crashing halt. She won't have anyone to cry with. (Her husband, my dad, is an emotionless piece of shit human being. Too long of a story, but he isn't the type of person she will be able to confide in, and cry with.)

So anyway. Today's the day. I got my gun in my bag, and I'm off to the bus stop. Wrote my letters and such. Thank you all for listening to me. Thank you all for being so kind and supportive. I wonder if any of us will meet in the next life, if there is one. Goodbye all.

I still have a few hours before my bus arrives. I'll try to check in if I remember. If I make it back home tonight. I'll respond to this post, then maybe I'll delete my account. This feels like my last chance. Any longer and I'll have to follow through with the plans my family made for me.

I wish this world wasn't so cruel! I wish this world wasn't so shitty! I wish the people in power weren't so shitty.

God, if you are even out there, if you even care at all, please! Don't let me fail at this again. I'm so tired of failing. I barely graduated high school. My principle even mentioned it when he gave me my diploma. I went to community college and was put on academic probation. University took an extra year to complete than it should have. I had taken a series of 4 tests, each one took all day and were rather expensive, and failed three of them, a couple times each. I've even failed once at killing myself. I don't want to fail again. I can't fail again. It seems like everything that matters, I fail at, at least once. I bet I'll fail again at this too. I bet I'll come home tonight.

I replayed and finished my favorite videogame, Subnautica, recently. These quotes hit differently than they did the first time I played. (minor spoilers ahead)

"My young are swimming for the shallows.
I thank you.
Their freedom is my end.
What will it be like, I wonder, to go to sleep and never wake up?
Perhaps next we meet I will be an ocean current, carrying seeds to a new land...
Or a creature so small it sees the gaps between the grains of sand.

"What is a wave without the ocean?
A beginning without an end?
They are different, but they go together.
Now you go among the stars, and I fall among the sand.
We are different.
But we go... together."

I do wonder what is waiting for me on the other side. Perhaps when I go, there will be nothing. Or there will be some kind of afterlife. I have a dream scenario after I die. But if there really is nothing, I guess that will be fine as well since I won't have a consciousness to experience it. Goodbye Everyone. Thank you all for being so kind.

A user on here gave me some advice a little while ago. The only reason I have for sticking around is to not hurt others. Family and friends. Their advice was to stick around, until the pain of my life outweighs the pain I would cause others. Over the past couple weeks, I really cared about not hurting them. Now, I don't really care that much. I still don't want to hurt them, but it isn't the driving force it was a few weeks ago. I just don't care like I used to.

I have one wish though. I wish for the people that care about me to be ok and someday move on. And for that someday, to be soon. Myabe they can just forget about me altogether.
Goodbye cruel world, and goodbye everyone. I hope you all find the peace you are looking for.

 

[Realog11]

Good luck

 

[Reishi]

I hope you find peace ...

 

[struggles_inc]

Your mom seems like a loving type. I got that impression from the post. Is she?

 

[dalemar]

Your mom's description perfectly matches mine, which is the reason I havent CTBed yet.
I wish you all the best, and I hope you find the peace you deserve.

 

[iveseenfootage]

I hope you find peace wherever you end up

 

[Abandoned Phantom]

Your mom seems like a loving type. I got that impression from the post. Is she?

Yes. Very much so!

Your mom's description perfectly matches mine, which is the reason I havent CTBed yet.
I wish you all the best, and I hope you find the peace you deserve.

It's hard when someone so close gives so much love, isn't it.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Godspeed.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Please reconsider putting the gun under your chin.

Sorry, it's just I seen you mention this in another thread.

It's very risky and people have survived that shot placement with very bad results.

I wish you the best and I hope you find peace.

 

[Abandoned Phantom]

Please reconsider putting the gun under your chin.

Sorry, it's just I seen you mention this in another thread.

It's very risky and people have survived that shot placement with very bad results.

I wish you the best and I hope you find peace.

I was considering under the chin, but I was worried that I wouldnt aim towards the back of my head enough. Aim would be less than perfect. I was thinking side of head because then the bullet would interact with both hemispheres. I'll read some more of the posts about aiming.

 

[chaewon]

Goodluck im sorry life has led u to this

Hello everyone. This will hopefully be my last message. As such, it's a little bit long. A few days ago, it was 100% certain to CTB today. Now that the day is finally here, I'm a bit apprehensive. I'm currently living with my parents. just a little while ago, she saw a baby picture of me hanging on the wall. "Look how cute you were" she said to me. "a little pudgy, but you were only 3 years old!" she said with a jolly tone. It's going to be brutal for her. I attempted once before, I tried so hard to make it look like an accident, but it didn't work. Now she'll have to face the real thing The truth. Breaks my fucking heart. That's what's stopping me. Her whole world is going to come to a crashing halt. She won't have anyone to cry with. (Her husband, my dad, is an emotionless piece of shit human being. Too long of a story, but he isn't the type of person she will be able to confide in, and cry with.)

So anyway. Today's the day. I got my gun in my bag, and I'm off to the bus stop. Wrote my letters and such. Thank you all for listening to me. Thank you all for being so kind and supportive. I wonder if any of us will meet in the next life, if there is one. Goodbye all.

I still have a few hours before my bus arrives. I'll try to check in if I remember. If I make it back home tonight. I'll respond to this post, then maybe I'll delete my account. This feels like my last chance. Any longer and I'll have to follow through with the plans my family made for me.

I wish this world wasn't so cruel! I wish this world wasn't so shitty! I wish the people in power weren't so shitty.

God, if you are even out there, if you even care at all, please! Don't let me fail at this again. I'm so tired of failing. I barely graduated high school. My principle even mentioned it when he gave me my diploma. I went to community college and was put on academic probation. University took an extra year to complete than it should have. I had taken a series of 4 tests, each one took all day and were rather expensive, and failed three of them, a couple times each. I've even failed once at killing myself. I don't want to fail again. I can't fail again. It seems like everything that matters, I fail at, at least once. I bet I'll fail again at this too. I bet I'll come home tonight.

I replayed and finished my favorite videogame, Subnautica, recently. These quotes hit differently than they did the first time I played. (minor spoilers ahead)

"My young are swimming for the shallows.
I thank you.
Their freedom is my end.
What will it be like, I wonder, to go to sleep and never wake up?
Perhaps next we meet I will be an ocean current, carrying seeds to a new land...
Or a creature so small it sees the gaps between the grains of sand.

"What is a wave without the ocean?
A beginning without an end?
They are different, but they go together.
Now you go among the stars, and I fall among the sand.
We are different.
But we go... together."

I do wonder what is waiting for me on the other side. Perhaps when I go, there will be nothing. Or there will be some kind of afterlife. I have a dream scenario after I die. But if there really is nothing, I guess that will be fine as well since I won't have a consciousness to experience it. Goodbye Everyone. Thank you all for being so kind.

A user on here gave me some advice a little while ago. The only reason I have for sticking around is to not hurt others. Family and friends. Their advice was to stick around, until the pain of my life outweighs the pain I would cause others. Over the past couple weeks, I really cared about not hurting them. Now, I don't really care that much. I still don't want to hurt them, but it isn't the driving force it was a few weeks ago. I just don't care like I used to.

I have one wish though. I wish for the people that care about me to be ok and someday move on. And for that someday, to be soon. Myabe they can just forget about me altogether.
Goodbye cruel world, and goodbye everyone. I hope you all find the peace you are looking for.

 

[amor.dor]

I hope you can rest in peace.
But please, listen to me first. Don't put the gun that way. Put it in your mouth and aim at a 45-degree angle upward from the mouth. That's the most effective way. Please, do it carefully. I had to tell you this. Please, I hope you're still here.

I was considering under the chin, but I was worried that I wouldnt aim towards the back of my head enough. Aim would be less than perfect. I was thinking side of head because then the bullet would interact with both hemispheres. I'll read some more of the posts about aiming.

 

[Forveleth]

I will miss seeing your adorable little ghost around here but I will also be glad you have found your peace. Travel safe!

 

[Captive_Mind515]

I was considering under the chin, but I was worried that I wouldnt aim towards the back of my head enough. Aim would be less than perfect. I was thinking side of head because then the bullet would interact with both hemispheres. I'll read some more of the posts about aiming.

Once you're aiming for the brainstem you should be okay. Through the mouth is generally considered the safest and shortest route. Behind and slightly above the ear, if aiming from side of the head. There's diagrams on the firearm mega thread.

 

[darksouls]

good luck,
I wish you the best, I hope you find relief from suffering

 

[Abandoned Phantom]

I hope you can rest in peace.
But please, listen to me first. Don't put the gun that way. Put it in your mouth and aim at a 45-degree angle upward from the mouth. That's the most effective way. Please, do it carefully. I had to tell you this. Please, I hope you're still here.

Still here. i hear you. thanks

 

[Dinorun]

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Yes. Very much so!

It's hard when someone so close gives so much love, isn't it.

It's much harder when they don't give love!!!!! I'm glad you got to experience being so loved . It's an incredible blessing to have loving parents. Either way, I wish you the best.

 

[Abandoned Phantom]

It's much harder when they don't give love!!!!! I'm glad you got to experience being so loved . It's an incredible blessing to have loving parents. Either way, I wish you the best.

You're saying its harder to CTB when you aren't loved? They're the only reason I'm still here. Yes, life in general would be harder if I wasn't loved, but this? But I will say, I have absolutely no idea what its like to be on the unloved side of things.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

You're saying its harder to CTB when you aren't loved? They're the only reason I'm still here. Yes, life in general would be harder if I wasn't loved, but this? But I will say, I have absolutely no idea what its like to be on the unloved side of things.

No. Many of us have no idea what it is to be loved so for that you have been so blessed. Godspeed.

 

[HangMan123]

Your mom sounds just like mine. She (and my dad) are the only reasons I'm still here as well. Reading this made me super sad, especially the picture part—that sounds really tough. I'd tell you to reconsider, but that's just ignorant and hypocritical. All I can do is wish you and your mother the best. If you go through with this, I wish you a painless death. If you don't, don't be so hard on yourself. Good luck either way .

 

[Abandoned Phantom]

No. Many of us have no idea what it is to be loved so for that you have been so blessed. Godspeed.

ok. gotcha. I have been blessed with so much love in my life. Sorry that you dont get to feel it. I can't even imagine. all I can say is that im sorry.

Your mom sounds just like mine. She (and my dad) are the only reasons I'm still here as well. Reading this made me super sad, especially the picture part—that sounds really tough. I'd tell you to reconsider, but that's just ignorant and hypocritical. All I can do is wish you and your mother the best. If you go through with this, I wish you a painless death. If you don't, don't be so hard on yourself. Good luck either way .

yeah, the way she started talking when she saw the picture. it's what started my apprehesivity. Thats a word right? Apprehensivity? I'm going to go with yes for now. i've wanted this for so long. but now that its here. now that the pain is about to be real. its so much harder.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

ok. gotcha. I have been blessed with so much love in my life. Sorry that you dont get to feel it. I can't even imagine. all I can say is that im sorry.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

I totally agree this world is so painful to live in. I'm sorry you have been through this and it finally turns out to be unbearable. Your story is touching. Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope you are released from all the suffering. Good luck, and goodbye

 

[Abandoned Phantom]

Hey everyone. Thank you for the kind regards. I'm back from the bus stop. The bus had no room for me on it today. Never even loaded my gun. While I wish the reason was because I want to continue with life. Sadly, it's not. I'm back because I can't do that to my mom. My friends too, but they had little to do with this decision. I don't think my mom could take it. I think the pain would be just too much for her to bear. She might actually die from heartbreak. She can already barely deal with all the bullshit that life is throwing at her. So I'll continue to run on my empty tank. hopefully something will return a spark to my hopeless soul. And hopefully soon.

 

[Dinorun]

Hey everyone. Thank you for the kind regards. I'm back from the bus stop. The bus had no room for me on it today. Never even loaded my gun. While I wish the reason was because I want to continue with life. Sadly, it's not. I'm back because I can't do that to my mom. My friends too, but they had little to do with this decision. I don't think my mom could take it. I think the pain would be just too much for her to bear. She might actually die from heartbreak. She can already barely deal with all the bullshit that life is throwing at her. So I'll continue to run on my empty tank. hopefully something will return a spark to my hopeless soul. And hopefully soon.

That's ok and a strong thing to do
I'm hoping better days are ahead
Don't think of it as another thing you failed, as it's not necessarily the case despite what your mind is set up to make you believe not everything is binary black and white we don't know everything
sending strength

 

[whosready4tmrw]

Hey everyone. Thank you for the kind regards. I'm back from the bus stop. The bus had no room for me on it today. Never even loaded my gun. While I wish the reason was because I want to continue with life. Sadly, it's not. I'm back because I can't do that to my mom. My friends too, but they had little to do with this decision. I don't think my mom could take it. I think the pain would be just too much for her to bear. She might actually die from heartbreak. She can already barely deal with all the bullshit that life is throwing at her. So I'll continue to run on my empty tank. hopefully something will return a spark to my hopeless soul. And hopefully soon.

If something's pulling you away from your attempt today, maybe you still have something left to find in this life. Goodluck.

 

[shelter_of_sorts]

Hey, sorry things are so hard. What did you mean by "Any longer and I'll have to follow through with the plans my family made for me"?

 

[madwoman]

I'm glad you are still here I'm sorry for your pain and my heart is with you as you navigate processing this step you made and choosing to stay. You are brave. I hope something makes you want to keep staying.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Happy for you, and for your family & friends You're a good son (or daughter, idk). The thing about life is that the only constant is change. I hope yours surprises you & changes in ways that you never thought possible .