Story Goodbye.. I'm sorry

[Pardoe84]

Has anyone updates? Is she hospitalized or did she ctb sucessfull?

 

[Dot]

Srry 2 upd8 wth bd nws bt sme1 hs spokn t/ a famly membr & Jnine ctb hs bn cnfirmd

 

[Dark Window]

Srry 2 upd8 wth bd nws bt sme1 hs spokn t/ a famly membr & Jnine ctb hs bn cnfirmd

RIP.

 

[Mi Mi]

Rest in paradise

 

[skar]

RIP Janine ❤

 

[Praestat_Mori]

RIP

 

[Kurai]

Rest in peace

 

[rozeske]

Rest in peace 🕊

 

[iloverachel]

RIP you will be missed

 

[losing hope]

RIP. Sweet rest at last.

 

[Valky]

In all honesty, I am not as sad as I feel like I should be. Because it is true, your life sounded like a living hell and I am genuinely just glad, that you were able to get out of that hell.
I wish it could have been in any other way, I really do but I knew that this end was just inevitable for you.
I hope you went easy, I hope you are okay, wherever you are now, I hope that death embraced you kinder than the people around you did.
You deserved so much better Janine, I hope you are able to rest easy and be free of your suffering at least now.

I am sorry for the little time we spend lately, I was busy but that never excuses the lack of care I showed towards you in those times. I really wish we could have talked more, spend more time together, laugh more together.
I wish you would have been comfortable enough to tell me about your plan but I have no one else to blame for that but me.

Thank for the great time we spend nonetheless, for always checking up on me and asking how I am even when I was MIA. Thank you for having been a caring and kind person. You made this world a better place, I mean it.

Thinking of you and your little doggo. I hope he'll be okay without you but I am sure that you are watching over him.

I appreciate you, Janine.

 

[justcallmeJ]

rest in peace <3

 

[BirdNamedRose]

This was supposed to be a scheduled post, I'm only deciding to add this now. "By the time you're seeing this, I'm most likely gone. Or hospitalized." is what I wrote, because I wouldn't have been able to cope with failing after creating a goodbye thread and worrying people. Why the sudden change of mind? Maybe it's better this way. Maybe I want to make sure this message gets through, who knows what disturbances could interrupt a scheduled post on here. Either way, I'm sorry. If I should survive; most like because of me chickening out again, I'm certain nobody will (ever) find me if I don't share my location beforehand, I'll just have to try again. This is it, hopefully.

The method I'll be using is sn, paired with ibuprofen and an antihistamine. Not the best choice, which I'm aware of, but there's simply no other choice. I need to leave already.

Lately my mess of a life has intensified in its torturing nature, caused by myself; I'm referring to self sabotage. There have been a lot of factors involved I could not have possibly changed or controlled, may it be chronic conditions or the environment I've been in. Yet I'm the one who decided to mess things up (and still am with every passing day) further on purpose. Perhaps I felt some sort of satisfaction seeing myself hurt and feeling my life fall apart. Who knows, I'm not a therapist (Not like they'd know any better). Perhaps it was to ensure I'd be ready to die now because of the irreversible damage done. Am I? No. I don't truly wish to die and believe no one does. There's a reason for everything, I can't see it in our nature to strive towards death, even as a rational way to "escape". Saying this won't change a thing, but this really isn't how it should be. Everyone deserves at least a chance to be healthy and happy, which I hope even the most death- and suffering-centered individuals can agree with. If you really decide life isn't for you - let that be your thing. But things like abject poverty, chronic disease, mental illness or trauma are circumstances that affect people's will to live, yet should not determine their view on life as a whole. Can we prevent it? No answer needed, obviously. If something out of your control has contributed to or has started your misery, I'm sorry. Threads like this should not even exist, that's my point. Nobody is born equal, but this just doesn't feel right.
I'm definetly not ready to die. Even the thought of ingesting a poison makes me sick (ha-ha) , but I know I have to do it. I'll only regret pushing my date away further. I know things that'll happen in the near future if I do. There will be replies stating I shouldn't go through with it unless I'm fully certain. Can you be fully certain on this? I don't know, maybe. As a kid, I never understood the act of ending your own life. I still don't, but for a different reason altogether. I used to not understand how you could feel so much misery you felt the need to do it, now, all I don't get is why we aren't able to make things better. We certainly aren't, but authorities and people who seem to lack any sympathy whatsoever could just change our society. Not wasting any more time on this topic, there are enough threads for that.
I'm afraid of what comes after. I know for a fact I'm going to hell, but I'd like to imagine I'll be watching over the people I love.. (@BirdNamedRose , if that turns out to be true, I'll remember my promise). Of course hell is worse than this. I'm mentally ill and probably not of sound mind, what do you expect.. I'd like to say that nothing could be worse than my life at the moment, but that's obviously not true either. Things can always get worse, that's something life teaches you. After rock bottom, there's still another layer to be found. Feeling like you're out of other options is just pure misery. Again, I don't necessarily want to die - just for things to change that cannot change.
I want to thank everyone who has supported me or has provided me with highly appreciated company. I should still be around for around 8-ish hours, but I'll probably fall asleep in between. Private messages are welcome, but there are people I still have to talk to before answering to new conversations.

SN Regimen (nothing special):
~19:00 last meal
~22:00 last fluids
~4:00 Ibuprofen
~4:15 Antihistamine
~4:45 Preparing sn (3 cups à 50ml of water + 25g of sn)
~5:00 Hopefully drinking the first cup
??

I especially want to thank @Al_stargate , @fadid , @waRmblanket , @rainwillneverstop , @BirdNamedRose , @AshClouds , @Dizzylady80 , @Valky , @heartbroken12 , @Amnesiaisalloverme , @dimstar

Best wishes, and hoping to be remembered (I'd be fine with getting a cat named after me)
Janine


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I'll do my best to keep my promise hun, i miss you so much, and wherever you end up I hope there's no more pain, that someday i'll be able to talk to you again and fill you in on all the things that's happened since. I wish i was there, i wish i said more when we last spoke. But it brings me comfort remembering the good things, take care hun. I hope you've found peace

 

[Disappointered]

I would be surprised if she is someone who had anything to apologize for. So many people who end up here feel apologetic during extreme suicidality- myself included - for failing somehow but we were set up in a rigged game. I hope she found peace.

 

[melancholymallory03]

I'm wishing you a comfortable and peaceful journey

 

[kane9191kosugi]

Rest in Peace.

Even though I want to ctb and vanish from this world, it's always sad to see someone other than yourself go through this whole process.
It takes tremendous courage to ctb, and I hope you were rewarded with a peaceful, painless death.