Good bye, soon to CTB myself

[MiraiShisen]

I have been there 2 weeks and I knew this time will come. It was a good psychological support that I knew I will end this and my pain and problems will be gone. Taking control over my health problems. But when final day is coming closer and closer my fear is bigger, I said it earlier I dont wanna die but I dont wanna live with full of pain and misery and not be able enjoy one damn thing in it. I feel like I have to jump in to the void and be lost in nothingness, all my memories, my personality, my dreams and goals will be gone , my ego too, I just can not believe that I am really ending it myself and my life after 27 years is over.

Now I have depression and feel like I did not sleep 4 days in row, my pain started to be really bad, I barely eat, I have headache for several days, My kidney/back pain starting to be unbearable and since I do not live alone I have a few opportunities to end myself. My family likes to go outside during weekends so today will be one opportunity to end it all. If I dont end it I have probably maximum of 8 days of life because I doubt I can hold more that one week with this pain.

So I would like to thank you all for this website, support or just for sharing your problems with us, thank you for it, a glad that I could read it and feel at least little better that I am not alone in this pain. Also for informations or just some philosophical theories what will be after death, we all eventually find out what is on the other side. Everybody, even people with great life, with full of memories and happy moments, accomplished dreams and goals, with families and pile of money will die just like we and even best life human could possibly live will have this one moment we all experience and their life will be gone (and probably forgotten) So If you are just like me, it does not matter what life we lived, in the end we will not know about it.

I am not sure if I CTB myself today I am not hero, I am coward so maybe even with pain pushing me to do it I will back out and put it aside for other day (probably weekend)

I also wrote letter for my family after my death. It says that I dont wanna be buried and either dont wanna have any grave, I just do not want to be in graveyard. I also told them that I wish my body to be cremated and my ashes to be scattered to some beautiful places (depents on them everyone can choose their own place) I also said in it that I am so sorry for doing this and that I hope they wont be sad I just encourage them to be happy because my pain is finally gone. Thats all.

When I will decide to do it I will clear my browser history, and just almost everything from my PC just in case, I will delete my e-mail information and all my passwords for social networks.

I know that many people hate this website (pro-lifers etc) so I just delete history. Thats all wish me easy way to go.

For all you warriors, beautiful souls, I hope we will end up in better place than we are right now where we all be happy for eternity. Until you are all alive I wish you strenght to overcome your problems if you can, If not I wish you flawless and fast way to go out to the better place. Thanks :)

 

[Aries]

And what method are you using?

 

[The anhedonic one]

It's always heartbreaking to read posts like this. Many of us here are facing the same utterly dreadful dilemma. Some here also want to live, yet are backed into a corner by circumstances beyond our control.
As you say, even people with the best lives will eventually lose everything and die. Everything eventually leads to suffering.

I hope everything goes well for you and you finally manage to escape this hellish existence.

 

[90starve]

im so glad that you managed to find a community here in which you feel happy to open up <3 wherever we're shipped off to after this life has to be better - im sure of that. wishing you a peaceful journey

 

[Aisley]

Nothing cowardly about not getting it done. What could be harder? But I wish you freedom from your pain, as soon as possible, as smooth as possible.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I'm just a stranger but thanks so much for your contribution, and I'm so sad.
Are you considering hanging? I recall when I didn't complete partial hanging. It's hard but not impossible I think.
You've suffered a lot, but I hope peace is ahead of you. Bon voyage - I wish you the best

 

[ringo99]

Goodbye. See you on the other side friend. Hope you find the peace you deserve

 

[day]

Sorry the world has brought you to this point OP. Hope you find peace and happiness. Rest well.

 

[hellispink]

Safe travel. We meet very soon. Be free.

 

[MiraiShisen]

And what method are you using?

My only option is hang myself, I dont have money if I had then I would use exit bag, but problem would be how to do it without noticing from my family. I spent my days only in bed because I have chronic fatigue, and if I ordered nitrogen bomb it would be really suspicious for them, I dont have bags etc... so my only option left is hang myself. I know there are other options like pills but thats not for me it can take up hours to finally be dead by pills or some chemicals. Hanging is hard but it can be painless if I manage to press my carotid artery right.

I'm just a stranger but thanks so much for your contribution, and I'm so sad.
Are you considering hanging? I recall when I didn't complete partial hanging. It's hard but not impossible I think.
You've suffered a lot, but I hope peace is ahead of you. Bon voyage - I wish you the best

Yes its my only option, I will go for full hanging not partial. Thank you, why did you failed? SI or some mistake?



Thanks you all for your kind words, I do really appreciate it, I will be thinking about you all when I will be catching my bus, at least I were lucky to live in this age and time, despite many of us are alone , here they are not, we have privilege to share information, stories, sadness, everything. Imagine live 500 or 1000 years back. Suicide were considered sin and you will go to hell and you had to do it anyways without any help or support. Insane at least something good happened for us here.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find freedom from all the suffering, when the time is right for you to leave.

 

[HerBetrayal_]

I hope you find the peace youre looking for and safe travels

 

[marshmallowfluff]

Safe travels

 

[sadnow11]

Same. All the best. May you find peace.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I hope you find the freedom and peace you are searching for. When the time is right you will have the strength you need! Good luck!

 

[ToTheTwillight]

Not a bad idea to delete your browser and password history, I may do it myself, and I'm going to join you soon.

If you doing hanging, be prepared that you may not succeed in your first attempt, and figure what to do next, which sounds like ensuring first and foremost that your family won't catch you

May it be a restful journey for you

 

[MiraiShisen]

I am still here in this world, I have had everything prepared, I had 4 hours window when I was alone but I did not do that, I was shaking but I could not finish it. I need to do this in this week, otherwise my body will be so weak I probably will not be able even hang myself :/

 

[istheretrulyalife?]

Even though I plan to ctb one day on the future, it's still so heartbreaking to see this type of stuff exists. I hope you find peace in whatever lies beyond.

 

[MiraiShisen]

Not a bad idea to delete your browser and password history, I may do it myself, and I'm going to join you soon.

If you doing hanging, be prepared that you may not succeed in your first attempt, and figure what to do next, which sounds like ensuring first and foremost that your family won't catch you

May it be a restful journey for you

Yeah browser history should be done by everyone because there is enough hate on this web from pro-lifers and we dont wanna lost this place, its like stronghold between two worlds, In ancient mythology there is a river styx you had to cross if you wanted to enter afterlife and Charon was a ferryman, this place is like charon, without it, it will be difficult for all the future lost souls to corss the river and enter afterlife. So deleting history is not a bad step.

Did you tried hanging? Yeah I failed first attempt I had no curage to end it, its weird feeling like you still have something to do , to finish in this world, yet there is nothing to, its strange. I am planning full hanging but I will slowly push my weight down until I blackout, I will be standing on stool (hope its right word for it - a small chair) and when I fall into unconsciousness I will lost all the strenght in legs and all my body weight will be pushing me down. Thats plan but thats theory I will se how it works.

 

[Kerrtu]

I am still here in this world, I have had everything prepared, I had 4 hours window when I was alone but I did not do that, I was shaking but I could not finish it. I need to do this in this week, otherwise my body will be so weak I probably will not be able even hang myself :/

You must be extra exhausted.

Try to rest and regroup - there's not a cowardly thing about you

 

[MiraiShisen]

You must be extra exhausted.

Try to rest and regroup - there's not a cowardly thing about you

Yes I do not plan to do it today, today is just day where I need to gain my determination back, best chances are during weekend because family is very likely gone for serverals hours (depends on weather) But if there will be some reasonable opportunity during week I will maybe do it sooner. But weekend is deadline , thanks for your caring words. :)

 

[deomlez]

Your word about Styx and Charon is like a poetry, it is so soft and nice... thanks