Good bye SaSu

[WorthlessTrash]

As most of you know, I have been suffering from gender/sex dysphoria for a while now and have been very adamant about not transitioning (for a long list of reasons that if needed I can give, BUT they are not up for debate). Despite the title of this thread, I am not leaving Sasu to recover. I am still insistent on CTBing eventually. This is just a farewell thread because I won't be on here when I inevitably make my attempt. I am leaving this site because as helpful as it is, it's distracting me from tying up loose ends irl before my bus arrives.

I am still to this day very envious of cis women who don't have to deal with transitioning and get to be very attractive. It makes me extremely depressed seeing them flaunt their sexuality with the way they dress, their beauty, their figures, etc.. I cannot blame them as if I was an attractive woman, I would certainly do it myself. I'm just extremely bitter and depressed because I cannot play the game myself. So my suicide is my response to being born the wrong sex. I acknowledge that transitioning helps some people, but it simply isn't for me. I know it will not give me the kind of body I really want.

My depression has been increasing day after day. It has rendered me unable to enjoy my hobbies, unmotivated to take care of myself and I just sleep for at least 16 hours a day. I just do not have the energy nor motivation to live anymore. I can't even enjoy my favorite genre of music (kpop) anymore because it makes me extremely dysphoric. Every time I see an attractive woman irl, on tv, social media or even when I hear their voice, I get and feel extremely dysphoric. I now avoid leaving the house. Over the past year ever since my dysphoria festered, I have gained 100+ lbs because I just do not care about myself, nor do I have any romantic desire so a relationship isn't something I work towards anymore.

I would like to thank everyone on this site and in the chat (whom have not tried to gaslight me into doing things I don't want to or invalidated me) for their compassion about my issues over the last few months since joining this site. In 24 hours, I intend to ask a moderator to ban my account so I cannot return. I will read and respond to responses on this thread as needed. I have to do what is best, and that is CTB. With any luck, I will catch the bus before Thanksgiving.

Best wishes to everyone here <3

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I'm so sorry to see you go...
A little candle burns for you, may it's light guide your soul to love and happiness

 

[CTB Dream]

This cruelty life force thing us not ability changing , very sorry suffer this feel depress, with peace hug

 

[Finding Sirius]

I'm sorry it has come to this for you. I hope you find peace in death, you will be missed.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I'm so sorry for what you have endured. I hope you are able to find peace when you go.

 

[Zegers]

I am sorry that life has brought you (us) to this point. I saw you a few times in the chat. I wish you a safe journey.

 

[Lupgevif]

I know exactly your pain. I'm also a man who wish were a woman and have decided never to transition. I'm really sorry for the pain it has caused you, to the point of pushing you suicide. I really hope you find peace.

 

[thereisthemist]

HuggiesDueToFarewell

 

[SarRy]

I will miss you. Thank you for everything.

I hope you find peace.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

I will miss chatting to you in the chatroom.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Thank you all for the kind words and for being very supportive. I wish that none of us had to endure what we are going through.

I know exactly your pain. I'm also a man who wish were a woman and have decided never to transition. I'm really sorry for the pain it has caused you, to the point of pushing you suicide. I really hope you find peace.

It just sucks seeing women (attractive cis nonetheless) with their feminity, their beauty, the attractive bodies, their sexuality being flaunted. Every time I see this, my heart drops and I feel so empty inside. I am a very envious person by nature and I cannot help but be angry and envious.

As bad as this will sound, I cannot help but be a lot less sympathetic towards FTM gender dysphoric people. They are throwing away what I would kill to have. The privilage (imo) of being AFAB. Of course, I do understand that most FTM would feel the same about us throwing away what they perceive as the privilage of being AMAB.

If I may ask, what are your reason(s) for not transitioning? Curious if any or all mirror mine.

 

[Lupgevif]

My main reason does mirror what you state in this thread: I'd never be able to reach a body I'd be satisfied with. There's only so much medicine, hormones, surgery, etc. can achieve, and I know it is not enough, specially judging by the extremely manly body I have now. There's also the costs (not only monetary) of the process itself and the stigma of being a transgender person to my family and country.

 

[Nirrend]

As most of you know, I have been suffering from gender/sex dysphoria for a while now and have been very adamant about not transitioning (for a long list of reasons that if needed I can give, BUT they are not up for debate). Despite the title of this thread, I am not leaving Sasu to recover. I am still insistent on CTBing eventually. This is just a farewell thread because I won't be on here when I inevitably make my attempt. I am leaving this site because as helpful as it is, it's distracting me from tying up loose ends irl before my bus arrives.

I am still to this day very envious of cis women who don't have to deal with transitioning and get to be very attractive. It makes me extremely depressed seeing them flaunt their sexuality with the way they dress, their beauty, their figures, etc.. I cannot blame them as if I was an attractive woman, I would certainly do it myself. I'm just extremely bitter and depressed because I cannot play the game myself. So my suicide is my response to being born the wrong sex. I acknowledge that transitioning helps some people, but it simply isn't for me. I know it will not give me the kind of body I really want.

My depression has been increasing day after day. It has rendered me unable to enjoy my hobbies, unmotivated to take care of myself and I just sleep for at least 16 hours a day. I just do not have the energy nor motivation to live anymore. I can't even enjoy my favorite genre of music (kpop) anymore because it makes me extremely dysphoric. Every time I see an attractive woman irl, on tv, social media or even when I hear their voice, I get and feel extremely dysphoric. I now avoid leaving the house. Over the past year ever since my dysphoria festered, I have gained 100+ lbs because I just do not care about myself, nor do I have any romantic desire so a relationship isn't something I work towards anymore.

I would like to thank everyone on this site and in the chat (whom have not tried to gaslight me into doing things I don't want to or invalidated me) for their compassion about my issues over the last few months since joining this site. In 24 hours, I intend to ask a moderator to ban my account so I cannot return. I will read and respond to responses on this thread as needed. I have to do what is best, and that is CTB. With any luck, I will catch the bus before Thanksgiving.

Best wishes to everyone here <3

Once again, another sad story here..

I'm really sorry, suicidality is leading to an awful life..

Your pain is totaly legitimate, I'm sorry for you, I really hope you to find relief and happiness ❤

Loving you sweet @DeathDueToDysphoria, wishing you peace wathever your choice ❤

 

[DisillusionedDragon]

I just wanted to add that there are people out there that would see you as an attractive woman and could make you feel like one. They exist, though they may be few.
But I understand that you may not have the will or energy to try to find someone like that, it is not guaranteed after all. Nothing in life is. There is a possibility that is worth keeping in mind when considering ctb, I think, but in the end it is your decision what you want to do with that possibility.
I am very sorry you are suffering so much.
Sending much love,

 

[leeloosnow]

take care <3 and thank you

 

[makethepainstop]

As most of you know, I have been suffering from gender/sex dysphoria for a while now and have been very adamant about not transitioning (for a long list of reasons that if needed I can give, BUT they are not up for debate). Despite the title of this thread, I am not leaving Sasu to recover. I am still insistent on CTBing eventually. This is just a farewell thread because I won't be on here when I inevitably make my attempt. I am leaving this site because as helpful as it is, it's distracting me from tying up loose ends irl before my bus arrives.

I am still to this day very envious of cis women who don't have to deal with transitioning and get to be very attractive. It makes me extremely depressed seeing them flaunt their sexuality with the way they dress, their beauty, their figures, etc.. I cannot blame them as if I was an attractive woman, I would certainly do it myself. I'm just extremely bitter and depressed because I cannot play the game myself. So my suicide is my response to being born the wrong sex. I acknowledge that transitioning helps some people, but it simply isn't for me. I know it will not give me the kind of body I really want.

My depression has been increasing day after day. It has rendered me unable to enjoy my hobbies, unmotivated to take care of myself and I just sleep for at least 16 hours a day. I just do not have the energy nor motivation to live anymore. I can't even enjoy my favorite genre of music (kpop) anymore because it makes me extremely dysphoric. Every time I see an attractive woman irl, on tv, social media or even when I hear their voice, I get and feel extremely dysphoric. I now avoid leaving the house. Over the past year ever since my dysphoria festered, I have gained 100+ lbs because I just do not care about myself, nor do I have any romantic desire so a relationship isn't something I work towards anymore.

I would like to thank everyone on this site and in the chat (whom have not tried to gaslight me into doing things I don't want to or invalidated me) for their compassion about my issues over the last few months since joining this site. In 24 hours, I intend to ask a moderator to ban my account so I cannot return. I will read and respond to responses on this thread as needed. I have to do what is best, and that is CTB. With any luck, I will catch the bus before Thanksgiving.

Best wishes to everyone here <3

Of all the people on this forum, I believe I understand your position, but from an opposing view. I want to ctb because I don't feel I'm male enough. I'm a dude sure, but to my thinking a man is at least 6'4, I'm not. To me a man should weigh at least 240 pounds.(solid muscle) For me I'd want platinum blond hair and blue eyes. I'm none of the above, and it sucks. So as you would like to change your sex, I'd like to hyper masculinize my own maleness. Much love to you, please find peace.

 

[LesbianCarpetPython]

See ya later. Tran rights are human rights

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I just wanted to add that there are people out there that would see you as an attractive woman and could make you feel like one. They exist, though they may be few.
But I understand that you may not have the will or energy to try to find someone like that, it is not guaranteed after all. Nothing in life is. There is a possibility that is worth keeping in mind when considering ctb, I think, but in the end it is your decision what you want to do with that possibility.
I am very sorry you are suffering so much.
Sending much love,

Unfortunately, nudes of a transgender woman (post transition) were posted in NSFW, and it wasn't "pretty" from what I was told. I don't know for sure as I hadn't looked at them, but I tend to avoid the nsfw chat, any nsfw discussion and I just don't look at nudes of anyone, even cis women I'd find attractive. There are several reasons I won't transition. Also my desire for being female goes beyond how other people find me. I want to be cis for a reason. So I could be female start to finish with a good chance of being relatively attractive, both to other people and myself. I can't say that'd be accomplished by transitioning especially given that I am in my mid 30s and by the time full transition is complete, I'd be onto my 40s, which is around the time I would CTB if I was cis female (aging and loss of beauty being the reasons).

The only thing transitioning would do is just keep me alive long enough to transition, but I'd CTB either because the transition didn't bring good enough results or because I'd be aging anyways. Me CTBing is inevitable either way you slice it. You are also not the first person to dangle the possibility of being attractive even as trans in front of me, but I have denied it every time before and I see no reason and no evidence that would change my mind on the matter.

I've already bought the sn weeks ago, I've already gave the remainder of my money that was on my debit card to my mother (she still is in denial that I am going to CTB, sadly), I've already quit and lost interest cold turkey in any and all of my hobbies and I have no romantic or sexual desire anymore. I do nothing but sit on the computer, eat and sleep and it's been that way for the past 10 months. I am committed to finally ending my suffering once and for all. Short of some breakthrough technology being revealed that let's me be an young attractive cis woman, nothing will change my mind at this point.

I do thank you for your efforts and the time you took to write out your reply. I hope that life treats you better than it has to me.

 

[DisillusionedDragon]

No need to thank me
I understand
Hugs,

 

[Dot]

Cht wll nt b/ th/ sme w/o u ddtd

Srry tht u hve cme 2 ths pnt bt knw tht u hve bn suffrng immnsly

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Per ardua ad astra

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I am glad we got the chance to talk for a bit, I still hope you will be able to find yourself, and visit us from time to time. If not, farewell, I will remember you.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I am glad we got the chance to talk for a bit, I still hope you will be able to find yourself, and visit us from time to time. If not, farewell, I will remember you.

I appreciate the sentiment, but my plans to CTB are firm. It's Cis female or nothing for me but since I cannot have the former, I am going to settle for the latter. It's a shame I cannot be in the correct body, but life isn't fair. I'm glad we had the chance to talk, too. I wish you the best ^^

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is such a cruel existence that brings people to this point and it sounds like you have suffered a lot. I wish you freedom for when the time is right for you to leave this world.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Thank you all for your kind words. 24 hours has passed and now I am going to request my banning. I hope that if you can recover and live a happy life, you are all able to. I also hope that if there is reincarnation, I am able to be born the correct way next time.

I'll be lurking on this site until my ban goes through.

Much love.

 

[rainwillneverstop]

Life can be so fucking unfair.
You will be missed on the chat.
Farewell kind soul.

 

[DysphoriaKilledMe]

Update: It is me DDTD on an alt account (i self banned). I distanced myself while I got things in order and now my step father is moved into the house and the dysphoria keeps getting worse. Even though I can't seem to go through with it, I am hoping to be gone by the end of December, though ideally (well ideally given the circumstances), I'll be driving myself to do it tomorrow night.

 

[BipolarExpress]

Update: It is me DDTD on an alt account (i self banned). I distanced myself while I got things in order and now my step father is moved into the house and the dysphoria keeps getting worse. Even though I can't seem to go through with it, I am hoping to be gone by the end of December, though ideally (well ideally given the circumstances), I'll be driving myself to do it tomorrow night.

Welcome back. I hope you find peace, regardless of the decision you make. Dysphoria can be a nightmare to deal with.

 

[DysphoriaKilledMe]

if I didn't already eat a lot tonight, I would have considered attempting it. I guess I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

if I didn't already eat a lot tonight, I would have considered attempting it. I guess I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Just checking in to see how you are doing?