Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Lots of things happened. Not ok. Ik this feeling will pass... ik the desire to self harm or ctb will pass... but I'm like do I want to keep going through this? I really wanted to have a good weekend seems like it's one of barly getting by. I dunno how much longer I can withstand this.
I'm disappointed but ok with giving up but ik how hard it'll be to actually end.my life. Sooo... I dunno. I wanted to find a way through but I'm not sure I can handle this or the breakdowns.
I dunno how to get past fear tho of trying to ctb bc I'm at a place of wanting to really end it. Like never wake up again. Im not in crisis as much like pressure in my body to stop living but.
I dunno it passes, it comes back. Things in life seem up then... not really. I couldn't handle a gruesome method. Most available are. Jumping is all I can really think about. Had an idea of smthin. I feel peace when I consider dying. Ig I'll just sit with it but I always do.
I don't wanna leave a note or prep anything. I'd just wanna decide and execute. Sitting with it really just allows everything that really doesn't matter to seem like it matters or is worth this. It isnt. Im not even at my breaking point. It's been worse. Im just sick of it all goes.
Like even if somehow got the things I'm aiming for or got that like I'd be too... damaged to believe in it, cultivate it, accept it. That's my biggest issues rn. Seeing that I'm like welp. Damn. I might be ready to end this more than I realized...
Anyway I'm just... I dunno what I'm doing this weekend. Im not sure if this is the right place to post. Ig I'm suicidal, kno it's hard to execute, know im kinda at a hard limit in life but somwhow always push on, know that I actually want to try ctb for once, know thats are as fuck but I dunno on my "calm" I'm scared of living in a way.
I dunno. I do but it's hard either way. Its hard to live almost harder to die.
I'm disappointed but ok with giving up but ik how hard it'll be to actually end.my life. Sooo... I dunno. I wanted to find a way through but I'm not sure I can handle this or the breakdowns.
I dunno how to get past fear tho of trying to ctb bc I'm at a place of wanting to really end it. Like never wake up again. Im not in crisis as much like pressure in my body to stop living but.
I dunno it passes, it comes back. Things in life seem up then... not really. I couldn't handle a gruesome method. Most available are. Jumping is all I can really think about. Had an idea of smthin. I feel peace when I consider dying. Ig I'll just sit with it but I always do.
I don't wanna leave a note or prep anything. I'd just wanna decide and execute. Sitting with it really just allows everything that really doesn't matter to seem like it matters or is worth this. It isnt. Im not even at my breaking point. It's been worse. Im just sick of it all goes.
Like even if somehow got the things I'm aiming for or got that like I'd be too... damaged to believe in it, cultivate it, accept it. That's my biggest issues rn. Seeing that I'm like welp. Damn. I might be ready to end this more than I realized...
Anyway I'm just... I dunno what I'm doing this weekend. Im not sure if this is the right place to post. Ig I'm suicidal, kno it's hard to execute, know im kinda at a hard limit in life but somwhow always push on, know that I actually want to try ctb for once, know thats are as fuck but I dunno on my "calm" I'm scared of living in a way.
I dunno. I do but it's hard either way. Its hard to live almost harder to die.
