pandorasactor
dead inside
- Sep 23, 2024
- 128
Hello SaSu, just wanted to express my thoughts here and vent (I may ramble haha). Also, didn't want to seem like a hypocrite as in "suicide is a normal feeling, I want to commit suicide" to "I don't want to have suicidal thoughts, I don't want to commit suicide". I still believe the suicide is a personal choice that is not inherently selfish.
Anyways, just had another shot at life, I have another chance to prove everyone wrong and better myself. I think I am able to do it. The people that I talked to know here know that I went through childhood trauma, abuse, stress of failing uni, and probably have some undiagnosed mental illness lol, so all-in-all not a good look. Been wanting to ctb and have done multiple attempts (closest one was yesterday when my body twitched uncontrollably) and still have the feeling of wanting to die, but that feeling isn't strong anymore. This 3-4 years has been tough, the past year alone was my lowest point ever. I got so scared.
Currently, I feel i can change and that feeling is growing stronger since. I know that I have discussed infomation on how I'm going to ctb or gave educational infomation on the process of my method, and don't really regret that. I feel I participated in discussions and had some insightful discussions. I do have some thoughts which have changed, so kudos to SaSu for having a space where people can openly talk about their thoughts about suicide and revelvant things without getting immediately banned. To the people going through hard times and suicidal thoughts, I feel for you. I'm not going to automatically change to pro-life arguments (still am very pro-choice), but wanted to say that I wish you guys achieve peace, whatever means to you (not encouraging suicide), but I realise now that suicide is much, much, much more complicated than I previously thought. Some people unfortunately aren't able to automatically get better and some people have multiple range of physical, mental health, environmental issues that makes living life unbearable. It'll take me some time to bounce back, but for some other people they can't and they have to struggle heaps to wake up every morning. I came to SaSu to hopefully find a solution, but I don't have the intelligence to come to a conclusion (mabye the smart people have the answer). Lastly, I wish that in the future suicidal people are talked in a more positive way and support is improved.
So, I'm going to hope that I can recover and do a 180⁰ on my life, or mabye nothing will change and I'll be back here looking for comfort (I hope that if I come back here many things would've changed), but this is feeling like a new start for me. I'm going to take baby steps and hopefully not spiral out of control. I'd like to thank the mods/admins for allowing me to be here, and would like to thank everyone that I've talked to. I haven't talked alot, but log in to read threads and comments.
(Mods/admins can delete this if they find this cringe - I understand lol. Just wanting to put this out there for others to see and to mark my recovery. Also, i am going to delete my account but i hope the mods/admins will let my comments and posts be available for everyone access. Btw pls don't share my "why I wanted to join SaSu, it's rather cringe lol)
Edit: I don't know when I was spiralling on this forum that I accidentally doxxed myself or revealed any personal information lol. If the mods/admins have magical powers to delete any personal information that I wrote, it's very appreciated :D)
Anyways, just had another shot at life, I have another chance to prove everyone wrong and better myself. I think I am able to do it. The people that I talked to know here know that I went through childhood trauma, abuse, stress of failing uni, and probably have some undiagnosed mental illness lol, so all-in-all not a good look. Been wanting to ctb and have done multiple attempts (closest one was yesterday when my body twitched uncontrollably) and still have the feeling of wanting to die, but that feeling isn't strong anymore. This 3-4 years has been tough, the past year alone was my lowest point ever. I got so scared.
Currently, I feel i can change and that feeling is growing stronger since. I know that I have discussed infomation on how I'm going to ctb or gave educational infomation on the process of my method, and don't really regret that. I feel I participated in discussions and had some insightful discussions. I do have some thoughts which have changed, so kudos to SaSu for having a space where people can openly talk about their thoughts about suicide and revelvant things without getting immediately banned. To the people going through hard times and suicidal thoughts, I feel for you. I'm not going to automatically change to pro-life arguments (still am very pro-choice), but wanted to say that I wish you guys achieve peace, whatever means to you (not encouraging suicide), but I realise now that suicide is much, much, much more complicated than I previously thought. Some people unfortunately aren't able to automatically get better and some people have multiple range of physical, mental health, environmental issues that makes living life unbearable. It'll take me some time to bounce back, but for some other people they can't and they have to struggle heaps to wake up every morning. I came to SaSu to hopefully find a solution, but I don't have the intelligence to come to a conclusion (mabye the smart people have the answer). Lastly, I wish that in the future suicidal people are talked in a more positive way and support is improved.
So, I'm going to hope that I can recover and do a 180⁰ on my life, or mabye nothing will change and I'll be back here looking for comfort (I hope that if I come back here many things would've changed), but this is feeling like a new start for me. I'm going to take baby steps and hopefully not spiral out of control. I'd like to thank the mods/admins for allowing me to be here, and would like to thank everyone that I've talked to. I haven't talked alot, but log in to read threads and comments.
(Mods/admins can delete this if they find this cringe - I understand lol. Just wanting to put this out there for others to see and to mark my recovery. Also, i am going to delete my account but i hope the mods/admins will let my comments and posts be available for everyone access. Btw pls don't share my "why I wanted to join SaSu, it's rather cringe lol)
Edit: I don't know when I was spiralling on this forum that I accidentally doxxed myself or revealed any personal information lol. If the mods/admins have magical powers to delete any personal information that I wrote, it's very appreciated :D)
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