So I've decided that I wish to end my life peacefully (and hopefully painlessly) via nitrogen hypoxia. I went out today and got half the things needed to go through with it. Then I went to the smoke shop, got a vape (I quit 2 months ago but fuck it what does it matter) and a bottle of liquor. Then I went home and got started on my suicide notes, one each for my boyfriend, two brothers, and dad.
I've almost hit rock bottom and I see no way out. One month ago my dad's fiancé left him, causing us to get legally evicted from the house and my dad's mental health to spiral. He refuses to get help but I believe he is bipolar and a paranoid schizophrenic. He is convinced the whole city is out to get him. Today he called me an ungrateful failure of a son to my face because I haven't given him money. He refuses to get a job and is planning to go homeless. My older brother, who lives out of state basically told me to fuck off with my problems over text last night. In the span of a month my stable family has completely shattered.
I've worked my ass off with said brother over the last 5 years running various businesses, and what do I have to show for it today? A failing business that is over $60,000 in debt that is making almost no revenue. I can barely afford to even pay myself enough to survive. I have over $20,000 in personal debt including credit cards and taxes I haven't been able to pay. I'm just waiting on the day the IRS comes knocking and I get taken to jail.
I have no health insurance and thus cannot afford a visit to a mental health hospital, a therapist, or a psychiatrist. My anxiety is eating me alive, but I literally cannot afford to get help, I'm financially drowning as it is.
I've got a small friend group but these aren't people I feel I can rely on, and honestly I have an itch that I don't really fit in with them. I feel so alone even when I'm surrounded by people who are supposed to love me.
If only I could go back, even a couple months ago I feel like I could make this all different. But alas, here I am.
I've almost hit rock bottom and I see no way out. One month ago my dad's fiancé left him, causing us to get legally evicted from the house and my dad's mental health to spiral. He refuses to get help but I believe he is bipolar and a paranoid schizophrenic. He is convinced the whole city is out to get him. Today he called me an ungrateful failure of a son to my face because I haven't given him money. He refuses to get a job and is planning to go homeless. My older brother, who lives out of state basically told me to fuck off with my problems over text last night. In the span of a month my stable family has completely shattered.
I've worked my ass off with said brother over the last 5 years running various businesses, and what do I have to show for it today? A failing business that is over $60,000 in debt that is making almost no revenue. I can barely afford to even pay myself enough to survive. I have over $20,000 in personal debt including credit cards and taxes I haven't been able to pay. I'm just waiting on the day the IRS comes knocking and I get taken to jail.
I have no health insurance and thus cannot afford a visit to a mental health hospital, a therapist, or a psychiatrist. My anxiety is eating me alive, but I literally cannot afford to get help, I'm financially drowning as it is.
I've got a small friend group but these aren't people I feel I can rely on, and honestly I have an itch that I don't really fit in with them. I feel so alone even when I'm surrounded by people who are supposed to love me.
If only I could go back, even a couple months ago I feel like I could make this all different. But alas, here I am.
.
