Meru
Member
- Mar 19, 2023
- 19
Needless to say, I want to die but im scared of dying alone like most people. I don't know whats on the "other side" besides when my grandmother briefly stopped living, when she came back she said it was nothing. Id like to believe that, hopefully its nothing with no feelings, no emotions, no "aftermath" just pure nothingness. that sounds like peace to me.
However i will never know what truely happens unless I bite the bullet. But for now, I wish I could meet someone my age in person, with the same desires for death and self sabotage. Truth is, I dont want to get better. Ive self harmed for most of my life and I dont plan on stopping, but I hate having the "stop doing it, for me!" with friends and possible partners.
I want to end my life, but for the time being I wish to be with someone who accepts that and loves me regardless if I plan on dying soon, or if i cut myself repeatedly, or if i just lay in bed all day sulking. I had a traumatizing experience in high school, where I had a boyfriend and I told him my plans like an idiot. He pinned me on his bed and sobbed all over my face begging me not to kill myself, and I was petrified. Maybe im just alone, but I yearn for someone who wont say anything about my scars, and will accept me for who I am. I dont think ill ever find that though, and its okay. I already came to terms I'll possibly die alone, and in a way i dont want to meet anyone anyways. But it would be nice, to have someone bite the bullet alongside me.
I also just long for a connection between someone who has the same views as me in real life, everyone is so against the thought of self harm and suicide, I can never be my true self.
Im thankful for this forum website, this is the only place where I can speak my mind without having to worry about consequences or "please dont!!!"
Thank you guys, have an amazing night.
However i will never know what truely happens unless I bite the bullet. But for now, I wish I could meet someone my age in person, with the same desires for death and self sabotage. Truth is, I dont want to get better. Ive self harmed for most of my life and I dont plan on stopping, but I hate having the "stop doing it, for me!" with friends and possible partners.
I want to end my life, but for the time being I wish to be with someone who accepts that and loves me regardless if I plan on dying soon, or if i cut myself repeatedly, or if i just lay in bed all day sulking. I had a traumatizing experience in high school, where I had a boyfriend and I told him my plans like an idiot. He pinned me on his bed and sobbed all over my face begging me not to kill myself, and I was petrified. Maybe im just alone, but I yearn for someone who wont say anything about my scars, and will accept me for who I am. I dont think ill ever find that though, and its okay. I already came to terms I'll possibly die alone, and in a way i dont want to meet anyone anyways. But it would be nice, to have someone bite the bullet alongside me.
I also just long for a connection between someone who has the same views as me in real life, everyone is so against the thought of self harm and suicide, I can never be my true self.
Im thankful for this forum website, this is the only place where I can speak my mind without having to worry about consequences or "please dont!!!"
Thank you guys, have an amazing night.
