Discussion Going about life regularly despite plans

[sevenelevenths]

I've had past depressive episodes where I've just completely shut down- withdrawing myself from social situations, eating horribly, laying in bed all day and not going outside for weeks.. But now, after years of struggling I've just finally accepted that suicide is the only option for me. I'm just tired, and kind of finalizing my certainty about it has honestly brought me a lot of peace. And it's strange thinking about how now, I can still go about life normally despite knowing that I plan to carry out everything in a couple of weeks. Could just be my brain emotionally numbing me in preparation for the event, or is it maybe true acceptance? Not sure how to really articulate it. Anyone experiencing something similar? Thoughts?

 

[lionetta12]

I've had past depressive episodes where I've just completely shut down- withdrawing myself from social situations, eating horribly, laying in bed all day and not going outside for weeks.. But now, after years of struggling I've just finally accepted that suicide is the only option for me. I'm just tired, and kind of finalizing my certainty about it has honestly brought me a lot of peace. And it's strange thinking about how now, I can still go about life normally despite knowing that I plan to carry out everything in a couple of weeks. Could just be my brain emotionally numbing me in preparation for the event, or is it maybe true acceptance? Not sure how to really articulate it. Anyone experiencing something similar? Thoughts?

A lot of people who end up suiciding, do spend their last moments living life the way they normally do and going on about their usual routines and work. Often people will say that they had no idea the person was suicidal and that it was a shock because they didn't behave any differently during their last moments. I think this is pretty much due to your brain and body accepting and coming to peace with what is about to happen.

 

[Rational man]

I think in my case, acceptance of my incurable disease has helped because in the end, we all do die. Its th e impermanence of life and that we all eventually return home, back to the cosmos from where we came as children of the universe. I don't fear death but i fear the lack of control over pain. Thats why im seeking assistance in dying when i feel the time is appropriate.

 

[FuneralCry]

I actually think that it makes a lot of sense feeling that way, I think that knowing that there is a way out can make existing more bearable for many people as they no longer feel so trapped here. Maybe just knowing things will end soon makes people able to put up with existing for a bit as they know that it soon won't be their problem anymore.

 

[sevenelevenths]

It makes sense what people are saying. Also not necessarily sad or super frustrated about it, but also feeling strange about having just accepted something that I've been actively struggling with and fighting against for such a long time. Maybe disappointed in myself slightly, but I guess I'm fine with it.

 

[CowsAgainstCapitali]

I have had similar thoughts. I will continue doing everything as normal, even going to work I won't see the money from. Everything will be just fine. Peaceful.

I believe that if I do CTB, it will be on an uneventful day when I'm not in crisis. It will seem random, but that's because my cover worked. I want it to be just the end of another day.

 

[Rob1984]

I think that sense of peace comes from realizing your pain is not eternal. Believing it will end sooner than later reinforces the realization that pain is not permanent. That is part of the reason why when people receive the tools to CTB, they feel better for quite some time.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Absolutely agree with everyone. Things you hate are more bearable when you know you only have a short time to put up with them.

If you're worried sick about your future but then have no future- there's less to worry about.

Honestly, so long as I have reasonable health and some money, I can't wait till it's my last few days. (Hanging on for my Dad.) My intention IS to live like it's my last few days here. It's ridiculous saying that can apply to everyday life though- many of us need to earn money and have responsibilities and worries. You can't REALLY enjoy stuff if you're constantly in dread of everything else. I can very well see why it's so liberating for people who make the decision to CTB and why the seem to carry on normally- or, even show signs of improvement in their last days.

 

[peacetime]

Well, my SN has arrived and is being delivered to me. I'm happy. Tired, low energy as I am usually, but happy.
I don't plan to use it yet. I'll continue living with the SN in my closet. Seems very peaceful. If things get too shitty, I'll prepare the drinks and say so long.

This is the most peaceful I've felt. Probably going to be beaten only by when the SN is in my closet, right now still waiting for the delivery, but it's already past customs and confirmed to being en route to me.