ByeByeMaria
I want to leave!
- Jan 22, 2024
- 7
I really do feel like I'm "cursed", or that God at least doesn't want me alive.
Nobody listens to me or takes me seriously. It's never been the case, but lately it's been getting worse- it's as if nobody can hear me. At school, the people I tutor usually hear me just fine when I'm walking through answers or breaking down concepts. The second it comes to anything else, though, there's issues. I ask a friend if she'd wanna study, and she doesn't reply. I tell another friend that the girl she wants to spend her lunch with will be eating outside of school, and not five seconds later, she's wondering aloud where that girl is. I ask a tutee at what time tomorrow he would want pre-exam lessons, telling him I'm already studying by the time it's 1 or 2 after noon, he shows up *the day after tomorrow* and at *6, almost 7*. My students are all the same age as me, all of better hearing, memory, and attention than me.
At work, I have to call a department before I leave my cubicle and head home (due to unique workplace circumstances that I won't elaborate on for privacy purposes). I dial and wait as it rings. It keeps ringing. It keeps ringing. It keeps ringing. Nobody picks up. I put the phone down and wrap up my work, tidy the pens and staplers and whatnot. I go back and dial and wait as it rings. It keeps ringing. It keeps ringing, and again, nobody picks up. I check, and there's no issue with the electricity or connection. I put the phone down and wrap up the parts of my work which I could really use the department's help with. I go back and dial and wait as it rings, and again, it rings and rings as nobody answers. It's been 20-30 minutes since I was supposed to leave, and our supervisor is strict with clock-out times. I get up and leave my station, and when I see my older coworkers and supervisors, I have to tell them in-person that I had been phoning the department I was supposed to. Nobody says or does anything to suggest that the people from the department had all gone home, that something's happened to the technology- nothing. They just let me pack up my things like nothing happened, like I didn't tell them anything. Upper management at work is very adamant on our rules and guidelines, nobody there would let me wrap up my work alone just because they hated me unless they wanted punishment themselves.
I tell my dad I'm having a problem with my files automatically going to my Drive recycling bin when I launch a specific game. He goes onto my computer, and eventually finds himself hovering the cursor over the "Download Drive" button. I tell him I already have Drive and point to it, physically *point* to it, on the screen. He downloads anyways. Later, he is baffled when he tries to launch Drive and my system tells him that the application's been downloaded twice. My dad is sane, healthy, fairly young, and adept at tech.
There's more examples, but this vent is already very long as is. I just feel like it's all God's way of telling me that I shouldn't be here. Well, I'm sure he would be pleased to know that I would like to take myself out of a world that already treats me like I'm gone. God bless.
Nobody listens to me or takes me seriously. It's never been the case, but lately it's been getting worse- it's as if nobody can hear me. At school, the people I tutor usually hear me just fine when I'm walking through answers or breaking down concepts. The second it comes to anything else, though, there's issues. I ask a friend if she'd wanna study, and she doesn't reply. I tell another friend that the girl she wants to spend her lunch with will be eating outside of school, and not five seconds later, she's wondering aloud where that girl is. I ask a tutee at what time tomorrow he would want pre-exam lessons, telling him I'm already studying by the time it's 1 or 2 after noon, he shows up *the day after tomorrow* and at *6, almost 7*. My students are all the same age as me, all of better hearing, memory, and attention than me.
At work, I have to call a department before I leave my cubicle and head home (due to unique workplace circumstances that I won't elaborate on for privacy purposes). I dial and wait as it rings. It keeps ringing. It keeps ringing. It keeps ringing. Nobody picks up. I put the phone down and wrap up my work, tidy the pens and staplers and whatnot. I go back and dial and wait as it rings. It keeps ringing. It keeps ringing, and again, nobody picks up. I check, and there's no issue with the electricity or connection. I put the phone down and wrap up the parts of my work which I could really use the department's help with. I go back and dial and wait as it rings, and again, it rings and rings as nobody answers. It's been 20-30 minutes since I was supposed to leave, and our supervisor is strict with clock-out times. I get up and leave my station, and when I see my older coworkers and supervisors, I have to tell them in-person that I had been phoning the department I was supposed to. Nobody says or does anything to suggest that the people from the department had all gone home, that something's happened to the technology- nothing. They just let me pack up my things like nothing happened, like I didn't tell them anything. Upper management at work is very adamant on our rules and guidelines, nobody there would let me wrap up my work alone just because they hated me unless they wanted punishment themselves.
I tell my dad I'm having a problem with my files automatically going to my Drive recycling bin when I launch a specific game. He goes onto my computer, and eventually finds himself hovering the cursor over the "Download Drive" button. I tell him I already have Drive and point to it, physically *point* to it, on the screen. He downloads anyways. Later, he is baffled when he tries to launch Drive and my system tells him that the application's been downloaded twice. My dad is sane, healthy, fairly young, and adept at tech.
There's more examples, but this vent is already very long as is. I just feel like it's all God's way of telling me that I shouldn't be here. Well, I'm sure he would be pleased to know that I would like to take myself out of a world that already treats me like I'm gone. God bless.
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