mold
local fungi
- Jun 25, 2019
- 174
I think this is one of my biggest reasons to want to die, I think. People in my life, both good and bad, get away with hurting me verbally or physically, or outright just abandoning me because I'm "too sick" mentally. I know I am. I have so many diagnosed mental illnesses that feed off of each other in a perpetual cycle that even psychs and therapists aren't sure what to do. They can only treat one or two, but it isn't enough to stop the cycle. At first I thought to myself, I just can't see it since I'm a bad person, I'm playing the victim when I don't deserve to, I'm in the wrong here, but as things kept happening, people kept leaving, people kept hurting me, using excuses like "I didn't mean to" or "he started it!" or just outright no excuses at all and hurting me because they can, feeling justified in doing so because they felt slighted by me in some way, I realized that I wasn't necessarily "wrong" for feeling hurt, but people feel like it's okay to hurt me because I'm sick.
Even now I still feel like I'm "playing the victim" by being sad and hurt by what people have done to me. I still think it's my fault. People tell me it isn't my fault, but if it wasn't, things wouldn't be this way. I'm sure if I was "healthier" I'd blame myself too. Whenever I try to talk about things like this it ends up being "too difficult" or I'm the one that's being "difficult". I'm not yelling or screaming or even crying. I just want to talk. Is that so much to ask for?
I do a really good job at masking and acting "normal" and "healthy", so when I tell people closest to me about my plan to commit suicide, I think it hits them really hard. They ask me why, how I seemed so happy, how good my life is. When I get told that it hurts even more, it just goes to show how good I masked, at least. I don't know anymore. My life was good, in theory, all the things that happened to me barring some harassment, bullying, and assault, were good. I feel ungrateful. I don't deserve to feel this way. But I'm sick.
Even now I still feel like I'm "playing the victim" by being sad and hurt by what people have done to me. I still think it's my fault. People tell me it isn't my fault, but if it wasn't, things wouldn't be this way. I'm sure if I was "healthier" I'd blame myself too. Whenever I try to talk about things like this it ends up being "too difficult" or I'm the one that's being "difficult". I'm not yelling or screaming or even crying. I just want to talk. Is that so much to ask for?
I do a really good job at masking and acting "normal" and "healthy", so when I tell people closest to me about my plan to commit suicide, I think it hits them really hard. They ask me why, how I seemed so happy, how good my life is. When I get told that it hurts even more, it just goes to show how good I masked, at least. I don't know anymore. My life was good, in theory, all the things that happened to me barring some harassment, bullying, and assault, were good. I feel ungrateful. I don't deserve to feel this way. But I'm sick.
