Venting Getting stuck

[OneLastLight]

Hey all,

This is my first post here. I decided tonight was the night I should catch the bus. I wish I could use N but obviously that's complicated to get your hands on. Luckily, after years of being actively suicidal, I am fairly good at finding the spot with partial hanging. I get to a point where my vision gets blurry and my legs and arms start giving out. But every time I take a step back last minute. It's so frustrating. I failed at life and I feel like succeeding at CTB would be the least I could do, but I can't even do that. I don't know what to do. I feel stuck here.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that it really can be so awful and tiring when you just wish to be gone, yet you feel so trapped here. It certainly can be so frustrating how it's this difficult to die and I also very much wish that I had N. A straightforward way to leave behind this existence is of course what we deserve the option of and it certainly does make methods like hanging sound so much easier than they actually are when you hear of people managing to succeed. If leaving this world wasn't this difficult of course I would be long gone at this point and it's just so unfair how suicide isn't easier for us.

 

[loveechoes]

Understand wanting to succeed at ctb, it's horrible to fail at everything in life…. Just once I wish I could succeed at something! Wish I could find the sweet spot!

 

[Luchi]

I get that way to hard. I feel so stuck constantly bc I'm terrified of living but I think I'm also still scared of dying so even though I long for it so hard sometimes, I've never been able to fully go through with anything. I call this living in the grey. Unable to live but unable to die. Limbo i guess. I wish i could give advice on this but i really don't know. I think it comes down to making a choice on whether you want to embrace living or embrace death but I don't really know how to do that. I personally just do the second best thing to eternal rest, temporary rest. Naps are good :)

 

[OneLastLight]

Update: I kept trying and trying. I got to a point where when I stopped, I almost had like a mini-seizure like episode where I laid flat on the floor, couldn't move and my brain just felt like it was "flashing". This happened because I use a belt (and this one is so elastic it sucks), loop it and send it over the door. I then hang myself from there. That time I was facing the door and was kneeling, so at some point my reflex was to open the door. I fell flat on my face and actually got hurt by the belt flying back to hit my eye (like I said it's elastic). I hate that I'm still here. I might try again tonight. I dream of N. To be able to just take a pill and go to sleep.