Help getting help, got healed, relapsing, doing it all over again.

[lsjfifie]

back in high school, i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was medicated with antidepressants. as usual (at least for me) i no longer had depressing thoughts and enjoyed life like most people do. now, as a freshman in college, grades failing, and a bright future seemingly far, far away, i'm starting to think that help isn't going to help me. i resent my failing grades with a deadly passion and at this point i feel like i can't do anything.

i don't want to repeat medication only for me to come crawling back in the future. it seems like a waste of time. i'm aware the reason i feel this way is because of my procrastination habits, and it feels like it's not going away anytime soon, which is why ctb is the only option. if i can't contribute to society, why should i be here?

i feel like a waste of space to my family really. i want to pay them back for everything they've done which is why i don't want to drop out (and god forsake me dropping out because i'll be wasting my parents money) but i feel so worthless. whenever i try to confront my grades i cry to tears or just give up. whenever i try to better my work habits i find myself procrastinating all over again. it feels like a time loop where if i try to do something, it won't change. my habits won't change. my worthless self won't change.

perhaps i should convince my family to lock me up in a psych ward or something, but i fear talking about my feelings to them. my mom is not here as she's getting hospitalized and i don't want to stress her any further, and i have a distant relationship with my dad. we don't talk much as he worked abroad for most of my childhood. i don't know what to do… i feel incapable of going to college. i don't know what i should do…

 

[Water-Lily]

I think changing your perspective on healing would help. I believe that when it comes to chronic mental health issues, trauma, etc, "healed" doesn't exist. Healing is a life long process, almost like peeling an onion. Beneath the peel is another layer, and then there's more, and so on. Its a journey of self discovery and you Never truly stop even though you think you might be done

 

[lsjfifie]

i do agree with you on that, healing is a lifelong process. for some reason i'm just scared that i might use that to hurt people.

i may be overthinking this, but i feel like i'm hurting more people the more i talk about myself, or even getting shunned by my family as there's already my mom in the hospital. i'm probably just making excuses on why i can't seek help, or maybe im just desperate to ctb. yet, i don't want to. its complicated.

but thank you for the reply. i think this community is way nicer than other forums, which is why i joined.

 

[Water-Lily]

i do agree with you on that, healing is a lifelong process. for some reason i'm just scared that i might use that to hurt people.

i may be overthinking this, but i feel like i'm hurting more people the more i talk about myself, or even getting shunned by my family as there's already my mom in the hospital. i'm probably just making excuses on why i can't seek help, or maybe im just desperate to ctb. yet, i don't want to. its complicated.

but thank you for the reply. i think this community is way nicer than other forums, which is why i joined.

I think I can relate. I'm very hard on myself and always feel im an abuser or bad person. When I internalize that I take it out on others and when I realize I fucked up, I start spiraling. I've sled sabotaged badly due to hurting others. Its a hard cycle to break and I find myself in and out often

I'm sorry about your mom being in the hospital. Whats your relationship with your family like? Do you they make you feel loved and emotionally safe? Do they open up space for talking about your feelings?

 

[lsjfifie]

my therapist tells me i'm very hard on myself too. i thought being hard on myself adds some kind of motivation, but no, it probably added pressure instead. perhaps i should get rid of that habit first.

i usually talk with things to my mom, as nowadays she's willing to help me with mental problems and procrastination. she's the person i'm closest to as she raised me throughout my life, and also very understanding. my dad, however, is kind of an anomaly to me. i usually think of him as the opposite of my mom, as he says harsh words about my gender identity and the things he said to my mom before he went to the hospital, it disturbs me a lot. however, he does cook food for me while im busy studying and it tastes really good. he lacks empathy but he got the spirit, that's all i could say for him.

the household i'm in is mostly "we don't talk about feelings" thing, except via phone call, which is usually how im able to go deeper about how i feel. most of those calls are for my mom though. with my dad it's very straightforward. despite all of that, i believe that they both love me unconditionally. i just want to make them proud for me once. one day lol

 

[UtopianSoliloquies]

I'm actually in the exact same situation right now so I really feel this post--the time frame, distant relationship to family, and all. I just started university this year and, though my mental health was getting better in my final year of high school, my awful time management and procrastination afterwards have caused me to relapse as well. The sense of obligation to one's parents in a situation like this is a difficult one. Personally, I have little emotional connection to my parents, though I get that they probably do love me and have done so much to guarantee me this relatively privileged position in life. They often tell me that, in the end, even if nothing comes of my efforts in post-secondary and I end up with a dead-end job, they will still be there to support me, though this has always ringed hollow since I would much rather die than to be such burden to my family who has worked so hard to improve their lot in life.

CTB is most certainly an option but I think if you can bear the immediate pains that come with day-to-day life through college, it's worth it to keep trying. Just last Sunday, I remember leaving my house and heading for a local hardware store to buy a portable gas burner so that I could CTB with carbon monoxide, and I just decided last minute to go visit a friend of mine at work whilst she was on her break and that really brought me back from the edge of all that.

If money isn't too much of a concern for you, you will have lots of opportunities to take gap years and lighten your course load when you feel you need to. If you are considering taking SSRIs again, I would certainly encourage you to do so. From what I've come to understand from a few therapists and a paper that I read for my communications class, more than just improving your mood, SSRIs actually affect the neuroplasticity of your brain and make it easier for you to alter your own thought processes and can help you with correcting distorted thinking or forming better habits. To some extent, they literally enable you to "just go outside" or "just think positively."

At the risk of sounding very platitudinous, there are certainly many good things in life that we can enjoy, regardless of how transient they may be. So I recommend just trying to get better again even if it seems like you're just going relapse again I can almost guarantee that even if you come back to feeling this way, you'll be a little better for having given recovery another try.