BlackDoor
Member
- Jul 21, 2024
- 22
I awaken and find myself still tired, I want to go back to sleep. In the oblivion of sleep time passes me by and nothing of consequence will happen, similar to waking days, weeks and months. I am tired of trying, because trying to do and be all the things others seem to be naturally attuned to, like chatting about the weather, fashion, possessions or events, seem so far removed from me. I float in a state of disconnection, but I am aware of it. It is not painful but frustrating, something that chafes at me. I find what we are cumulatively as humanity disappointing. A man at a work site seeking pity for his marriage ending in divorce, but already with a girlfriend with no thought to how this might affect his son. A son who abandoned his loving father dying of cancer, in favour of his relationship and fears of disappointing her. A woman who believes she is owed unconditional friendship and validation even when she is abrasive, intrusive and boorish. So many examples, in the end, people have their reasons. It's fine. People should get what they want, find what they seek, but never seem to reap what they sow.
In a world full of constricted hearts, I fear mine may be too open. I want to become more similar to others, it appears as though that may be the key to survival, think, but limit yourself, feel, but only to an extent. Do not cross those boundaries where you look at too many angles, do not react with compassion. Snap judgments and stubbornly defending one worldview could work. Ignore the conflicts with others and believe that only your thoughts, feelings and opinions are valid. I can't do it. But I see it everywhere. When people sense you don't have this characteristic then they assume you must be easy fodder to back their agendas, to be used or manipulated to service them in some capacity. It is somewhat irritating. I myself am not a good person, probably, if examined through society's lens. I can't keep up with the standards, and I can't discern what the rules are anymore.
I am tired. Beyond tired. I think I don't want to be here anymore. It's the worst party and I wish someone would rescind my invitation that I don't recall ever asking for.
In a world full of constricted hearts, I fear mine may be too open. I want to become more similar to others, it appears as though that may be the key to survival, think, but limit yourself, feel, but only to an extent. Do not cross those boundaries where you look at too many angles, do not react with compassion. Snap judgments and stubbornly defending one worldview could work. Ignore the conflicts with others and believe that only your thoughts, feelings and opinions are valid. I can't do it. But I see it everywhere. When people sense you don't have this characteristic then they assume you must be easy fodder to back their agendas, to be used or manipulated to service them in some capacity. It is somewhat irritating. I myself am not a good person, probably, if examined through society's lens. I can't keep up with the standards, and I can't discern what the rules are anymore.
I am tired. Beyond tired. I think I don't want to be here anymore. It's the worst party and I wish someone would rescind my invitation that I don't recall ever asking for.
