Story Gave myself permission to die

[brokeandbroken]

18 months ago I was a medical student after being a further victim of crimes by the university I was forced out losing my hopes, dreams, tens of thousands of dollars (loans), and everything else. Everyone just says the same thing get a menial job at xyz store. I worked my ass off to be successful and no one even cares. As a result I have given myself permission to die. I spent my life trying to be an oncologist to help those in their darkest hour. In mine I am alone.

 

[SilentSadness]

We are all alone really, and don't need permission to die. It's a shame that others don't care about you. I have the same experience. I hope your future goes well for you, good luck in whatever you plan to do.

 

[GasMonkey]

What's your method?

 

[NoLightRemains]

18 months ago I was a medical student after being a further victim of crimes by the university I was forced out losing my hopes, dreams, tens of thousands of dollars (loans), and everything else. Everyone just says the same thing get a menial job at xyz store. I worked my ass off to be successful and no one even cares. As a result I have given myself permission to die. I spent my life trying to be an oncologist to help those in their darkest hour. In mine I am alone.

Sorry things turned out this way for you. I had similar goals of helping people. I even made it through nursing school and worked briefly as an oncology nurse before my life fell apart. I had naive dreams but it wasn't meant to be. Now I'm really uncomfortable around groups of humans and isolate myself.

A more resilient version of myself might have adapted to this and tried to career switch and rebuild, but I have also given myself permission to die soon as I don't really see living as a viable option these days.

 

[brokeandbroken]

What's your method?

To be honest if I had the resources probably opioids and alcohol. Seems the most peaceful though ive never used opioids to know. In lieu probably SN assuming I can get it. Otherwise partial hanging though from pictures and things I've seen on here it's just a nonviolent hanging. If I could get it a gun would probably be 2nd to ONA.

We are all alone really, and don't need permission to die. It's a shame that others don't care about you. I have the same experience. I hope your future goes well for you, good luck in whatever you plan to do.

Thanks you too.

Sorry things turned out this way for you. I had similar goals of helping people. I even made it through nursing school and worked briefly as an oncology nurse before my life fell apart. I had naive dreams but it wasn't meant to be. Now I'm really uncomfortable around groups of humans and isolate myself.

A more resilient version of myself might have adapted to this and tried to career switch and rebuild, but I have also given myself permission to die soon as I don't really see living as a viable option these days.

I'm sorry to that. Congrats on finishing nursing school. I wish people weren't so awful. In the oncology clinic I worked at the oncology nursing were great!! I'm sorry you didn't have that same experience. I'm definitely really uncomfortable around people as well. Being isolated didn't help any gaps I had bridged from my own awkwardness (autism?) was exacerbated. Being essentially homeless really really doesn't help now.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I had to give myself permission to die as well. I, too, spent my life trying to find my purpose (although you sound like you found yours). We're all alone in this life. Humans fake collectivism.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I had to give myself permission to die as well. I, too, spent my life trying to find my purpose (although you sound like you found yours). We're all alone in this life. Humans fake collectivism.

To be honest it wasn't really faked aside from maybe my family. I was just never in the club basically. Always an outcast/pariah what have you. If what happened to me happened to someone else. A beautiful popular girl it would be front page news. I'm not so it's just ignored.

Here is my story in case anyone is curious

 

[leavingsoon99]

To be honest it wasn't really faked aside from maybe my family. I was just never in the club basically. Always an outcast/pariah what have you. If what happened to me happened to someone else. A beautiful popular girl it would be front page news. I'm not so it's just ignored.

Here is my story in case anyone is curious

I say "fake", because most social circles are created for obtaining self-interested gain. I, too, am an outcast and have been for much of my life. So, I very much relate to you on that. As for your experience in college, that sounds like a nightmare. I'm sorry you had such an experience. I couldn't imagine complaining about that person and not being helped out with it. That sounded very uncomfortable and weird. I mean, I can't fathom why someone would come in contact with someone else that they just met. That sounds very disordered for that person to do.

I wish for you clarity and peace, whatever you decide to do. I understand your feelings of being an outcast.

 

[tiny_dancer]

I'm sorry for the turn of events that devastated your life. It's awful how you can spend your life and resources working towards helping others yet not have that same help and decency when you need it. Messed up world for sure. I can relate as well. I'm also a nurse, and ironically am here because of a misdiagnosis and medical procedure that harmed me, totally alone when it really matters too.
It's important that you gave yourself permission to die because likely nobody else will. And it's the only permission that really matters anyways.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you've had to go through, this world undeniably is such a hellish place and of course there is far too much suffering in existence, it's beyond awful how existing can easily get much more worse and unbearable which is why I see life in itself as being the true problem. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I say "fake", because most social circles are created for obtaining self-interested gain. I, too, am an outcast and have been for much of my life. So, I very much relate to you on that. As for your experience in college, that sounds like a nightmare. I'm sorry you had such an experience. I couldn't imagine complaining about that person and not being helped out with it. That sounded very uncomfortable and weird. I mean, I can't fathom why someone would come in contact with someone else that they just met. That sounds very disordered for that person to do.

I wish for you clarity and peace, whatever you decide to do. I understand your feelings of being an outcast.

Thank you. Yeah I wish the university sought to teach and foster and educational environment. I would be a doctor now instead of homeless.

I'm sorry for the turn of events that devastated your life. It's awful how you can spend your life and resources working towards helping others yet not have that same help and decency when you need it. Messed up world for sure. I can relate as well. I'm also a nurse, and ironically am here because of a misdiagnosis and medical procedure that harmed me, totally alone when it really matters too.
It's important that you gave yourself permission to die because likely nobody else will. And it's the only permission that really matters anyways.

I'm really sorry to hear. Hopefully, you get if you want the treatment you need to ameliorate the issues. It's not until you need help yourself you find out how cold and uncaring the world is. It's definitely made me disgusted with myself for helping (trying to) others.

That sounds really horrible what you've had to go through, this world undeniably is such a hellish place and of course there is far too much suffering in existence, it's beyond awful how existing can easily get much more worse and unbearable which is why I see life in itself as being the true problem. But anyway I wish you the best.

Like I said above you never find out how cold, uncaring, and lacking of empathy the world is until you need help yourself. I worked my ass off never asking for help to help people with cancer. Was even president of the oncology research group. Yet when it was my turn to need help. People ran for the hills. You hope in your day of need somewhere will be there. Looks like for many of us there isn't. Doesn't matter who you are, how good you are, or what your intentions are. People just don't care.

 

[Disappointered]

That's horrible but not unusual. Turns out medical doctors include some of the worst people on the planet. People get bullied in situations that anyone who doesn't already know this world enough to hate it would be shocked to learn of. All levels of academia and professional schools, professional placements, professions. It happens everywhere.
And giving yourself permission to die is probably an underappreciated part of self-deliverance. It's also helpful to get it from others, from authorities or "society" but they need to do it in a way that doesn't remind us of the sinister contingent among them because that's really counter-productive. But yeah...the psychological barrier is keeping unwanted people here for years and years of unnecessary suffering, so working on that barrier is crucial.

 

[brokeandbroken]

That's horrible but not unusual. Turns out medical doctors include some of the worst people on the planet. People get bullied in situations that anyone who doesn't already know this world enough to hate it would be shocked to learn of. All levels of academia and professional schools, professional placements, professions. It happens everywhere.
And giving yourself permission to die is probably an underappreciated part of self-deliverance. It's also helpful to get it from others, from authorities or "society" but they need to do it in a way that doesn't remind us of the sinister contingent among them because that's really counter-productive. But yeah...the psychological barrier is keeping unwanted people here for years and years of unnecessary suffering, so working on that barrier is crucial.

This was very eloquently stated. I went into medicine because I love it and I genuinely wanted to be a source of comfort, strength, and healing for people in tragic times. Specifically in oncology/hematology. It seems like the only reason my former colleagues were there was to party and for their own narcissistic desires. It's sickening because they don't care about the harm they caused or anyone but themselves and they are supposed to care for the most vulnerable. I'm literally homeless and I've been abandoned by all natural support systems.

Instead of becoming a doctor.. I am now employed in a medical assembly job making the equipment I should've been telling other people to use so I can get results to save lives. Just to work the job I have to walk 10 miles everyday i work. It's extremely frustrating. And to your point the coldness of the world combined with what happened does lend it itself to wanting it to be over.

 

[leavingsoon99]

That's horrible but not unusual. Turns out medical doctors include some of the worst people on the planet. People get bullied in situations that anyone who doesn't already know this world enough to hate it would be shocked to learn of. All levels of academia and professional schools, professional placements, professions. It happens everywhere.
And giving yourself permission to die is probably an underappreciated part of self-deliverance. It's also helpful to get it from others, from authorities or "society" but they need to do it in a way that doesn't remind us of the sinister contingent among them because that's really counter-productive. But yeah...the psychological barrier is keeping unwanted people here for years and years of unnecessary suffering, so working on that barrier is crucial.

This is very well stated.